I am not a person who dreams at night. I rarely wake up feeling like I have been dreaming. I could propose several different theories, but none of them make sense to me - especially given my overactive daytime brain activities! So it was a huge surprise to me last night when I woke up at least 5 different times with vivid dreams. Each dream was different, but there was a common theme: overcoming an obstacle.
For those of you who know me well, the fact that at least 2 dreams spotlighted on spiders will not shock you. What shocked me about these dreams was that I purposefully went to the spiders (and these were not small, easy to kill spiders, by the way) and bravely, if not confidently, killed them. Oh the lessons I could learn from my dreams...
As I have been preparing for 2013, I have been preparing myself for the mental and emotional challenges that have prevented me from finishing goals in my past. The fact that I was brave and confident about achieving a goal is not lost on me, as that has not been my style. I tend to be bold at the beginning and fade at the end, but I am working on changing that. I very rarely face my fears without hesitation and with enthusiasm. (I even more rarely kill spiders without trying to get someone else to do it for me!)
So often, when I talk about dreams, I am thinking about the future and what that might hold for me, if I were to focus my attention on achieving them. My dreams tend to be theoretical and full of possibilities, but there is always an undercurrent of impossibility flowing in my dreams. There is always a sense of fantasy surrounding even my most realistic dreams, and I think, when I dream, I subconsciously accept that the majority of these dreams will never come to pass.
I have been processing how I would respond to someone else if they were to dream big and accept mediocrity. I know I would be there to encourage and support my friends as they pursued a dream...but what would I do if someone with a dream felt they could never achieve it and gave up before they tried? I'm that pushy friend who will ask a ton of questions in an attempt to discover why the dream "cannot be achieved". I'm that cheering friend who will find a way to be present and be positive as even the tiniest of steps is taken. I'm that sensitive friend who will change subjects (momentarily - not permanently) when a setback has come up...but I'm still that same pushy and cheering friend, and I will bring the dream back into focus.
Why is it that I have not done that for myself? Why would I not be as pushy, as cheerful, and as sensitive to me when I would be that for most people I meet? I noticed something interesting as I wrote earlier. When I wrote the phrase "to discover why the dream 'cannot be achieved'", I first wrote "why the dream isn't important enough". I don't know if I can even fully appreciate the implications of my first phrase! Have I been placing subconscious judgments on my dreams? On myself?
With all these questions flowing in my head, I know one thing. I want to be the person who confidently, without hesitation, faces my fears and achieves my dreams. I want to be a fearless dreamer. (I still, however, don't want those dreams to involve spiders.)
Friday, January 4, 2013
Friday, December 28, 2012
When Ideas Pop in My Head
During my waking hours, I have a constant stream of ideas flowing through my mind. Quite often, I ignore these thoughts and choose to focus on the task at hand or something else. Occasionally, though, I catch one of my thoughts in the moment, and I am compelled to stop and process the thought.
I was getting ready for church on Sunday morning when one of these thoughts passed through my mind:
I was floored by this topic, as it seemingly came out of nowhere. (After some process time, I am guessing that it reflected two separate conversations I had with my parents where we discussed other parents who had made decisions that could impact their children in a negative way.) I remember looking at myself in the mirror - which, as you all know, is not one of my favorite activities - as I tried to make sure I had "heard" myself correctly. I spent the rest of the morning considering not only the challenge before me, but the unspoken condition of me lacking incentive.
I have mentioned before my previous thoughts on airline instructions to put your oxygen mask on before you help someone else. (For a long time, this did not make sense to me. I confess that I still struggle with this concept in my everyday life.) I immediately began to incorporate this into my processing of my morning's thought. So often, when I think of taking care of myself, I have put it into the context of "...so I can take care of someone/thing else" - like there was a condition to or requirement for my taking care of myself.
Mind blown. I hadn't realized how conditional my health had become to me. Even without knowing what my "conditions" were, I was subconsciously making personal choices based on their role in my life. I had to ask myself: What is my motivation for being healthy? Can I be healthy when I think no one is looking? Will I choose health because it's the right thing to do?
That last question has weighed heavy on my mind since Sunday. As I mentioned last week, I am adopting the word finish as my theme for 2013. I have tossed around the idea of adjusting it to complete because I want that to reflect not only my desire to finish but also to be well-rounded. Regardless of my decision on that, I know that I need to embrace my answers to the questions above. If I give the expected or "right" answer because it's what I think I should do, doesn't that go against my desire to remove the conditions from my health? Don't my answers reflect my character?
I have decided to amend the airline oxygen mask analogy in my life: I now need to stop focusing on who else I can help with their oxygen mask, since I am not responsible for anyone else (i.e. children). I need to make sure my mask is on and working, so that I meet my own needs and make my own health a priority. Beyond that, I need to make sure I am doing the right thing for me, so that my true character is reflected.
I was getting ready for church on Sunday morning when one of these thoughts passed through my mind:
"Just because you don't have children doesn't mean that you lack incentive for leading a life of character."
I was floored by this topic, as it seemingly came out of nowhere. (After some process time, I am guessing that it reflected two separate conversations I had with my parents where we discussed other parents who had made decisions that could impact their children in a negative way.) I remember looking at myself in the mirror - which, as you all know, is not one of my favorite activities - as I tried to make sure I had "heard" myself correctly. I spent the rest of the morning considering not only the challenge before me, but the unspoken condition of me lacking incentive.
I have mentioned before my previous thoughts on airline instructions to put your oxygen mask on before you help someone else. (For a long time, this did not make sense to me. I confess that I still struggle with this concept in my everyday life.) I immediately began to incorporate this into my processing of my morning's thought. So often, when I think of taking care of myself, I have put it into the context of "...so I can take care of someone/thing else" - like there was a condition to or requirement for my taking care of myself.
If I remove others from my health equation, do I still need to be healthy?
Mind blown. I hadn't realized how conditional my health had become to me. Even without knowing what my "conditions" were, I was subconsciously making personal choices based on their role in my life. I had to ask myself: What is my motivation for being healthy? Can I be healthy when I think no one is looking? Will I choose health because it's the right thing to do?
That last question has weighed heavy on my mind since Sunday. As I mentioned last week, I am adopting the word finish as my theme for 2013. I have tossed around the idea of adjusting it to complete because I want that to reflect not only my desire to finish but also to be well-rounded. Regardless of my decision on that, I know that I need to embrace my answers to the questions above. If I give the expected or "right" answer because it's what I think I should do, doesn't that go against my desire to remove the conditions from my health? Don't my answers reflect my character?
I have decided to amend the airline oxygen mask analogy in my life: I now need to stop focusing on who else I can help with their oxygen mask, since I am not responsible for anyone else (i.e. children). I need to make sure my mask is on and working, so that I meet my own needs and make my own health a priority. Beyond that, I need to make sure I am doing the right thing for me, so that my true character is reflected.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Finish...My 2013 Resolution
I am really good at starting projects: I have a scarf I've been knitting for almost 2 years. It sits in the same Christmas bag I got the yarn and needles in for Christmas. I have a drawer (and a box!) full of pictures waiting to be hung on the wall. I have a stack of books that I am trying to finish, despite the fact that I've read countless books since I started the stack. (I have even started one book twice and gotten within 3 chapters of finishing each time...)
Needless to say, I am not good at finishing projects. And the project I am the worst at is... drum-roll, please...ME. I have invested countless minutes, hours, and days thinking about and planning my "perfection" (for lack of a better word). I know how I should eat, what I should do, and who I should be. I spend an inordinate amount of time setting goals and working towards them - only to have them in my sight and figure I'm close enough(?). I'm not sure what my problem is, although I have a guess.
Hi, my name is Eden, and I have a distinct and deep fear of failure. I am willing to quit and have control rather than fail. I am willing to accept mediocrity rather than seek greatness and fall down. I am willing to be a witness to my own life rather than an active participant.
Well, I plan to change that in 2013. And the reason I am confident that this plan will not be one I quit is because I plan to live boldly. And finish loudly. And to make energetic noise every day of the year. By being bold, loud, energetic and noisy, I expect to be noticed and to be cheered and to be pushed to completion (even if it's just by myself!).
I love how, in the Matched trilogy, the author picks an amazingly bold poem for the characters to memorize:
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night by Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Since this series is part of the list of books I have read recently, I have been challenged by this poem and how I live my life. I do not want to go gently into 2013; I want to fight to the finish!
And so, I am adopting the word FINISH for 2013. Among other things, I will finish the scarf I have been knitting...and if I start a new one, I will finish that one, too!
Needless to say, I am not good at finishing projects. And the project I am the worst at is... drum-roll, please...ME. I have invested countless minutes, hours, and days thinking about and planning my "perfection" (for lack of a better word). I know how I should eat, what I should do, and who I should be. I spend an inordinate amount of time setting goals and working towards them - only to have them in my sight and figure I'm close enough(?). I'm not sure what my problem is, although I have a guess.
Hi, my name is Eden, and I have a distinct and deep fear of failure. I am willing to quit and have control rather than fail. I am willing to accept mediocrity rather than seek greatness and fall down. I am willing to be a witness to my own life rather than an active participant.
Well, I plan to change that in 2013. And the reason I am confident that this plan will not be one I quit is because I plan to live boldly. And finish loudly. And to make energetic noise every day of the year. By being bold, loud, energetic and noisy, I expect to be noticed and to be cheered and to be pushed to completion (even if it's just by myself!).
I love how, in the Matched trilogy, the author picks an amazingly bold poem for the characters to memorize:
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night by Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Since this series is part of the list of books I have read recently, I have been challenged by this poem and how I live my life. I do not want to go gently into 2013; I want to fight to the finish!
And so, I am adopting the word FINISH for 2013. Among other things, I will finish the scarf I have been knitting...and if I start a new one, I will finish that one, too!
Friday, November 9, 2012
When You Truly Want the Desires of Your Heart
I often find it ironic that I titled this blog "A Better Mirror" because I hate looking in the mirror - and not just because I often don't like what I see...I also don't like mirrors because they more often reflect the lies I tell myself than the truths I want to see. I'm reading a book that talks about how our culture has inundated us with information - almost to the point that we are desperate for rules. That is how I have been viewing my life this past week: I am desperate to live the life and to be the person that I want to be. I desperately want.
Now, I'm not talking about trivial things, like wanting to win the lottery and spending money like I already have it. No, my "wants" are more core desires that have a distinct effect on my character. For example, I want to be someone who does not waste time. But when I get home at night, the task of figuring out what to do seems overwhelming...so I accomplish the bare minimum and putz around. Or I set my alarm to wake up earlier than normal, and I hit snooze several time because my body is not used to getting up earlier. (Please keep in mind that I truly have a deep desire to not be lazy! I am usually quite busy, and my life is more of a reflection of fatigue and lack of preparation.) I'm talking about wanting change that reflects the true values in my life and not just the surface appearances.
Hence my ruminations about the irony of this blog. When even the measure you are clinging to for a true reflection is clouded and/or tainted, there is a problem. I have a plethora of choice in how to handle this irony: I can ignore the desires of my heart and the thoughts that continue to circulate in my mind. I can pretend that everything is fine and disregard the results of said ignorance. I can make minor changes and complain. OR...I can recognize that there is not a problem with the mirror. The problem isn't even with what I am putting in front of the mirror. The problem, in fact, is that I have let passivity, denial, disorganization, and dishonesty have power in my life. I have made choices, but then I have not truly seen those choices come to fruition - for whatever reason. (See previous sentence.)
I have acknowledged the core desires of my heart, and, by not pursuing them, I have not recognized their value. When I accept the status quo, I have denied the reflection of my true mirror, perpetuated the irony, and thus devalued who I am.
If my heart continues to challenge the way I am living, am I expending more energy to deny change than I would if I were to make change? Only time will tell, but I am more than willing to invest extra energy on the front end to better align how I live my life.
Now, I'm not talking about trivial things, like wanting to win the lottery and spending money like I already have it. No, my "wants" are more core desires that have a distinct effect on my character. For example, I want to be someone who does not waste time. But when I get home at night, the task of figuring out what to do seems overwhelming...so I accomplish the bare minimum and putz around. Or I set my alarm to wake up earlier than normal, and I hit snooze several time because my body is not used to getting up earlier. (Please keep in mind that I truly have a deep desire to not be lazy! I am usually quite busy, and my life is more of a reflection of fatigue and lack of preparation.) I'm talking about wanting change that reflects the true values in my life and not just the surface appearances.
Hence my ruminations about the irony of this blog. When even the measure you are clinging to for a true reflection is clouded and/or tainted, there is a problem. I have a plethora of choice in how to handle this irony: I can ignore the desires of my heart and the thoughts that continue to circulate in my mind. I can pretend that everything is fine and disregard the results of said ignorance. I can make minor changes and complain. OR...I can recognize that there is not a problem with the mirror. The problem isn't even with what I am putting in front of the mirror. The problem, in fact, is that I have let passivity, denial, disorganization, and dishonesty have power in my life. I have made choices, but then I have not truly seen those choices come to fruition - for whatever reason. (See previous sentence.)
I have acknowledged the core desires of my heart, and, by not pursuing them, I have not recognized their value. When I accept the status quo, I have denied the reflection of my true mirror, perpetuated the irony, and thus devalued who I am.
If my heart continues to challenge the way I am living, am I expending more energy to deny change than I would if I were to make change? Only time will tell, but I am more than willing to invest extra energy on the front end to better align how I live my life.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Summer Break Is Over...
I live in an almost constant desire for time off. I'm not sure where that comes from, or what I need time off for exactly...
I took a break from writing this blog over the summer. There was no real reason why. In retrospect, I would guess because my life got a little more complicated: Both my parents retired, moved to Cleveland, moved back with my nieces...my brother moved into the house I had been living in, and then I moved out at the end of the summer. Lots of change. And I'm not that huge a fan of change. As I experience more and more of it this summer, however, I realized that I am not anti-change at all. In fact, I found that I am constantly looking for change and improvement. I do not, however, like feeling out of control, and so often (for me, at least), change feels out of my control.
It is with this enormous self-realization that I begin to blog again. I know it's November, and summer has been over for awhile, (Although you wouldn't know it, since it hasn't snowed yet...not that I'm bitter!) but I feel like a new year is starting. I have that wonderful anticipatory feeling that I would get when a new school year would start. (If only there were back-to-school sales for this type of event!) The hum-drum days of laziness and heat that blended one into the other are over, and I am ready for change. In fact, I am ready to learn - the best kind of change, yet.
I feel like I have fallen into old habits of not taking care of myself, and that is what is generating my desire for time off. Who knew that making that simple transition from summer vacation-brain to actively pursuing life would energize me in such a profound way. I am ready to live, to learn, and to make choices again.
I am ready to take care of myself again.
I took a break from writing this blog over the summer. There was no real reason why. In retrospect, I would guess because my life got a little more complicated: Both my parents retired, moved to Cleveland, moved back with my nieces...my brother moved into the house I had been living in, and then I moved out at the end of the summer. Lots of change. And I'm not that huge a fan of change. As I experience more and more of it this summer, however, I realized that I am not anti-change at all. In fact, I found that I am constantly looking for change and improvement. I do not, however, like feeling out of control, and so often (for me, at least), change feels out of my control.
It is with this enormous self-realization that I begin to blog again. I know it's November, and summer has been over for awhile, (Although you wouldn't know it, since it hasn't snowed yet...not that I'm bitter!) but I feel like a new year is starting. I have that wonderful anticipatory feeling that I would get when a new school year would start. (If only there were back-to-school sales for this type of event!) The hum-drum days of laziness and heat that blended one into the other are over, and I am ready for change. In fact, I am ready to learn - the best kind of change, yet.
I feel like I have fallen into old habits of not taking care of myself, and that is what is generating my desire for time off. Who knew that making that simple transition from summer vacation-brain to actively pursuing life would energize me in such a profound way. I am ready to live, to learn, and to make choices again.
I am ready to take care of myself again.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Breaking Habits and Embracing Traditions
I recently went on a road trip to Colorado. It had been years since I last drove across the state of Nebraska into Eastern Colorado. A week later, I made the return trip home. First, let me say that I don't anticipate driving that distance again (at least not both ways) next year. Second, let me recommend listening to an audio-book, as it helps time pass more quickly. What I really want to talk about, however, is the return trip home.
Over the past few months, I have been working at breaking life-long habits that do not support my current ideal of being healthy and taking care of myself. My progress has ebbed and flowed, which has not been my favorite, but it has allowed me to continuously grow and demonstrate the desire to grow. Habits can be both good and bad, but I associate habits with not having to think. So I have been trying to break both good and bad habits because I want to think. I want to be present and engaged in my life. I want to make decisions.
With that being said, the past few months have been challenging for me. There has been a lot of "hurry up and wait" moments. There have been a large amount of decisions made by other people over the past few months directly impacted my life. Planning for an unknown future can make it hard to live in the present. (And I struggled - I'm not going to lie. I felt that I had to choose how to take care of myself, and I chose to focus on my mental and emotional health. I feel like I am now able to take care of myself more wholly, which is definitely a good thing.) It is most definitely difficult to be consistently present when you are looking ahead.
So being present, breaking habits, and taking care of myself has been on my brain. The car ride home provided me with an intriguing contrast to being present...My brother and I were well-versed in road-trip "parent-isms". Periodically, one of us would throw out a comment that would make both of us chuckle and remember our parents fondly. (My favorite, by the way, is when we cross back into Nebraska saying, "Ah, the good life." I smiled just typing that!)
Our family is big on tradition. (Because we're Presbyterian? Irish? Not quite sure why...) If there is a way that we can repeat an awesome moment of a celebration, we will. We like to remember. We like to connect and celebrate. But in my quest to be present by breaking habits, I had to question whether it was good for me to celebrate traditions of the past.
My internal debate was quite short: I am choosing to embrace traditions. For me, traditions do not represent living in the past, but instead remembering. Traditions provide me with the opportunity to think and choose whether to continue to celebrate occasions. The key for me is that when I take part in a tradition - whether singing the Rock Chalk chant or hanging stockings by the fireplace - I make a choice. I recognize the opportunity to do these mindlessly, but I rarely do. I love remembering the past and connecting it to where I am now. I look for opportunities to embrace traditions in my current - or new - settings and personalize them. I love to share traditions, so others can grow with me.
I am quite sure that some traditions could fade into habits. The good thing about this is that I'm breaking habits.
Over the past few months, I have been working at breaking life-long habits that do not support my current ideal of being healthy and taking care of myself. My progress has ebbed and flowed, which has not been my favorite, but it has allowed me to continuously grow and demonstrate the desire to grow. Habits can be both good and bad, but I associate habits with not having to think. So I have been trying to break both good and bad habits because I want to think. I want to be present and engaged in my life. I want to make decisions.
With that being said, the past few months have been challenging for me. There has been a lot of "hurry up and wait" moments. There have been a large amount of decisions made by other people over the past few months directly impacted my life. Planning for an unknown future can make it hard to live in the present. (And I struggled - I'm not going to lie. I felt that I had to choose how to take care of myself, and I chose to focus on my mental and emotional health. I feel like I am now able to take care of myself more wholly, which is definitely a good thing.) It is most definitely difficult to be consistently present when you are looking ahead.
So being present, breaking habits, and taking care of myself has been on my brain. The car ride home provided me with an intriguing contrast to being present...My brother and I were well-versed in road-trip "parent-isms". Periodically, one of us would throw out a comment that would make both of us chuckle and remember our parents fondly. (My favorite, by the way, is when we cross back into Nebraska saying, "Ah, the good life." I smiled just typing that!)
Our family is big on tradition. (Because we're Presbyterian? Irish? Not quite sure why...) If there is a way that we can repeat an awesome moment of a celebration, we will. We like to remember. We like to connect and celebrate. But in my quest to be present by breaking habits, I had to question whether it was good for me to celebrate traditions of the past.
My internal debate was quite short: I am choosing to embrace traditions. For me, traditions do not represent living in the past, but instead remembering. Traditions provide me with the opportunity to think and choose whether to continue to celebrate occasions. The key for me is that when I take part in a tradition - whether singing the Rock Chalk chant or hanging stockings by the fireplace - I make a choice. I recognize the opportunity to do these mindlessly, but I rarely do. I love remembering the past and connecting it to where I am now. I look for opportunities to embrace traditions in my current - or new - settings and personalize them. I love to share traditions, so others can grow with me.
I am quite sure that some traditions could fade into habits. The good thing about this is that I'm breaking habits.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Contemplating WANT vs. NEED
To say that the past couple weeks have been thought-provoking would be an understatement of the grandest kind. I have had more than one discussion about how to figure out what you want to do in life, once you get past all the things you "need" to do...
This blog by Jon Acuff was ridiculously compelling: Play to the size of your heart, not to the size of the crowd. That observation was the catalyst for two weeks of discussing the same topic in bible study (which we don't often do). Two weeks of analyzing my thoughts and actions to see if my heart is the same no matter at what location I have "checked in." Two weeks of figuring out what my basic needs are and how they are being met. Two weeks of trying to determine what I want to do next...
So when you get to the point where you are able to meet your basic needs - food, shelter, clothing, etc. - what do you do? How do you figure out what you're supposed to do next? Who do you listen to? The questions become like an avalanche - quickly gaining momentum and building into a potentially destructive force.
The opposite of the desire of my heart.
And therein lies my answer. Stop the questions from flowing so freely. Stop searching continuously for answers from other resources, other people. Stop. Slow down. Rest.
At the point that I realized my thoughts - which were supposed to be guiding me down a path of fulfillment and destiny (I can't decide if those last three words should be read with a sarcastic voice or a deep, masculine voice-over voice...) - were becoming self-destructive, I made a conscious choice to stop thinking about what I want to do. I don't know if everyone's brain is hard-wired to take an idea and let it spin out of control, or if I'm just special that way...but the results can be overwhelming, making it so much easier to stop making choices, to stop acting...just to stop the thinking. (Which, by the way, makes me think of Mandy Moore's character in Because I Said So as she was breaking up with the guy from That Thing You Do: "And who wants someone who doesn't think?" However, in my mind, this becomes...Who wants to be someone who doesn't think? Right now, I want to be that person because for me, thinking can be dangerous and develop a life of its own.)
And once you stop making choices, the thoughts have won, and life has become devoid of purpose. I have lived in this state (lack of purpose) at various times in my life. One of my friends described it this way: I keep living and planning for the next thing to get done. Race done - check. Now onto the next thing. While moving from task or action to the next is not always a bad thing, if we're constantly waiting for the next "thing" to take place, are we ever really living? Are we missing out on what is going on around us? Are we missing great opportunities to be present and experience life?
So I am slowing down and working on making choices to be present. I'm making choices to change things I don't like and to embrace those things I do. I am engaging in my life, rather than passively participating. And I am trying to be aware - of my surroundings, of those around me, and of what each moment is asking from me. Even to my ears, it sounds a little too poetic, too "out there." However, I have no problem being described as poetry in motion (a phrase attributed to some of the best athletes in the world), even if it's not a physical description.
I watched a TED Talk today (one of my favorite discoveries of this past year) by Jacqueline Novogratz about living a life of immersion, becoming agents of change, not charity. She says at the beginning of the talk, "Your job is not to be perfect - it's to be human." Like she suggests, I want to have the audacity to believe I deserve great things and the humility to acknowledge I can't do it alone.
With that, I have discovered that, right now, what I want most is to rest in the arms of Christ and to let his embrace give me the power and love to be a human in pursuit of perfection, holding tight His grace of my imperfections. I want to... Stop. Rest. Listen. Love. Be Present.
This blog by Jon Acuff was ridiculously compelling: Play to the size of your heart, not to the size of the crowd. That observation was the catalyst for two weeks of discussing the same topic in bible study (which we don't often do). Two weeks of analyzing my thoughts and actions to see if my heart is the same no matter at what location I have "checked in." Two weeks of figuring out what my basic needs are and how they are being met. Two weeks of trying to determine what I want to do next...
So when you get to the point where you are able to meet your basic needs - food, shelter, clothing, etc. - what do you do? How do you figure out what you're supposed to do next? Who do you listen to? The questions become like an avalanche - quickly gaining momentum and building into a potentially destructive force.
The opposite of the desire of my heart.
And therein lies my answer. Stop the questions from flowing so freely. Stop searching continuously for answers from other resources, other people. Stop. Slow down. Rest.
At the point that I realized my thoughts - which were supposed to be guiding me down a path of fulfillment and destiny (I can't decide if those last three words should be read with a sarcastic voice or a deep, masculine voice-over voice...) - were becoming self-destructive, I made a conscious choice to stop thinking about what I want to do. I don't know if everyone's brain is hard-wired to take an idea and let it spin out of control, or if I'm just special that way...but the results can be overwhelming, making it so much easier to stop making choices, to stop acting...just to stop the thinking. (Which, by the way, makes me think of Mandy Moore's character in Because I Said So as she was breaking up with the guy from That Thing You Do: "And who wants someone who doesn't think?" However, in my mind, this becomes...Who wants to be someone who doesn't think? Right now, I want to be that person because for me, thinking can be dangerous and develop a life of its own.)
And once you stop making choices, the thoughts have won, and life has become devoid of purpose. I have lived in this state (lack of purpose) at various times in my life. One of my friends described it this way: I keep living and planning for the next thing to get done. Race done - check. Now onto the next thing. While moving from task or action to the next is not always a bad thing, if we're constantly waiting for the next "thing" to take place, are we ever really living? Are we missing out on what is going on around us? Are we missing great opportunities to be present and experience life?
So I am slowing down and working on making choices to be present. I'm making choices to change things I don't like and to embrace those things I do. I am engaging in my life, rather than passively participating. And I am trying to be aware - of my surroundings, of those around me, and of what each moment is asking from me. Even to my ears, it sounds a little too poetic, too "out there." However, I have no problem being described as poetry in motion (a phrase attributed to some of the best athletes in the world), even if it's not a physical description.
I watched a TED Talk today (one of my favorite discoveries of this past year) by Jacqueline Novogratz about living a life of immersion, becoming agents of change, not charity. She says at the beginning of the talk, "Your job is not to be perfect - it's to be human." Like she suggests, I want to have the audacity to believe I deserve great things and the humility to acknowledge I can't do it alone.
With that, I have discovered that, right now, what I want most is to rest in the arms of Christ and to let his embrace give me the power and love to be a human in pursuit of perfection, holding tight His grace of my imperfections. I want to... Stop. Rest. Listen. Love. Be Present.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)