March Madness

This is one of my favorite times of the year...March Madness.  I love pretty much everything that comes with the NCAA Tournament.  However, it does bring out part of my bad side:  My competitive nature and my extreme dislike for losing and/or being wrong.


As the games start this week, I have been reminded of these aspects of my life and the negativity they bring into my life...and it has me thinking about how these attitudes affect other areas of my life (besides sports).


I think as young women, we are encouraged to be competitive, but almost in a manipulative, passive-aggressive way.  We learn so early to look at pictures of others and see the areas that we need to improve, and then point out the areas that they need to improve.  We learn how to give a back-handed compliment that has a biting judgment to it.  But this competitiveness does not accomplish much more than injuring all parties involved, whether known or not.  In fact, this competitiveness can develop into an aptitude for judgment.  It can also transform itself into a pit of feelings of inadequacy.


This is where I feel I have spent the majority of my life.  My competitive drive to win has always left me with a fear of losing or being wrong.  I developed a habit of quitting before that could ever be a possibility.  My battle with weight is the perfect example of this.  I have, like so many others, gained and lost weight at least a dozen times...but I never get to my goal because my fear of not reaching it is bigger than my need to accomplish it.  So I quit.  I have quit a lot of things in my life.  I am not proud of any of these moments, nor am I proud of this tendency in my character.  Learning to move beyond the fear is trying and difficult and some days, near impossible.


This is my own madness...I only wish it was March Madness!  I am at times so consumed with the desire to win that I say and/or do things that I later excuse as competitiveness.  I push and focus and drive towards my goal...then, just when it's in sight, I feel like I pull the emergency brake.  It's like I don't even test the regular breaks...I just panic...and assume the worst.  


So now I am left to wonder:  Would I be better suited for success if I stopped competing?  (Who am I even competing against?)  How would this change my life?  Would I slow down and enjoy the process?  Could I stop looking ahead and live in the present - moment by moment?  Despite the anxiety this initially brings into the forefront of my mind, I am aware of the promise of peace.


And who doesn't want peace in their lives?