I am a pretty mathematical thinker. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I have a pretty strong math lineage - my mom was a math teacher, and my dad was an engineer. I grew up "seeing" math everywhere, and to this day, I find it difficult to not try to point it out to everyone! I love looking at life for patterns and looking at patterns for life! I take dates and try to make math problems out of them. I enjoy numbers, and thinking about them has been a way of life for me.
With that being said, I have a serious problem with numbers.
Yesterday, I stood in front of my mirror, and I had what I think is a profound, and potentially life-changing thought...at least, for me. Before I get there, let me throw out some significant numbers:
0
0
35
68
??? (Doesn't really matter what the actual number is...)
*** (Just pretend you know...or insert your own here...)
Now, back to my profound and life-changing thought. It was one of those that just popped in my head without any lead-in...one that I haven't been able to stop thinking about since yesterday. Are you ready?
I am not defined by any number. Or rather, my value cannot be determined by a number.
Seriously? Where did that come from? I was literally looking at myself in the mirror when I had that thought. And I don't think that was a coincidence.
As I tried to explain before, my mind looks for the logic and pattern in life by searching out numbers. I like to be able to wrap my head around concepts by quantifying them or finding similarities and patterns...or even through problem solving - looking for a solution! I love math and how it affects life.
Realizing yesterday that I was trying to find my own value through mathematical logic has shaken up my world. I cannot be defined by these numbers:
0 - How many times I've been married, and consequently, the number of years I've been married
0 - The number of children I have
35 - My age
68 - My height
??? (Doesn't really matter what the actual number is...) - My IQ
*** (Just pretend you know...or insert your own here...) - My weight
Or any other numeric category I can put myself in...
If not numbers, however, then what? (Did you see that "If, then" statement there...still thinking mathematically?!) How do I shift my paradigm and see myself differently?
As I continue to process how to determine my value, I am able to separate some thoughts. First, my value is not based on what I do. I cannot achieve or diminish my value by the choices I make. I do, however, want my choices to reflect not only my value, but what I value. Second, my value cannot be assigned to me by another. If this were the case, my value would probably rise and fall like a volatile stock price. Third, I know without a doubt that I have God-given value, but I don't want to take that as a stock answer or take it for granted: I want to understand the value God has given me. Finally, I am nowhere near done with this process. My mind was kind of blown away by all of this yesterday, and I feel like I'm just waking up from a deep sleep...
The irony that I had this thought while looking in a mirror is not lost on me as I write this blog. FINALLY, the mirror I own is becoming a better one. Or maybe the user is just figuring out how to correctly see things in it.
