Gift-wrapping

I love wrapping presents, but I am not very good at it.  I do not like when the paper doesn't lay flat and tight to the package, and I have become convinced that I am not using the right quality of wrapping paper.  I have 2 aunts who wrap packages most beautifully...to the point that the packages themselves are works of art.  (It's no wonder my Nana used to take so long unwrapping presents at Christmas!!)  My presents do not look like that - even when I use gift bags!

On Monday, I was having a conversation about how I am a gift (as is each person) whose value is not determined by the person who receives the present.  You see, I can see myself as a gift in the company of certain people - because they value me like a gift.  But there are others who I have a hard time feeling valuable around...am I still a gift then?  

The answer to that question is yes.  My value is not determined by others (or a number as I discussed in my previous post) or by what I do.  I am a gift because I am intentional, personal, thoughtful, and so much more.  I am a gift whether I choose to use those attributes in certain settings or not.  (I can be present without being a gift...I am LOVING that play on words.)  

Now, even as I'm typing this entry, I am struggling with the words.  I get that I have value and am a gift no matter who I am with or where I am.  But...I get that more theoretically than I do practically.  It's hard to embrace that reality in the midst of a situation where you don't feel valuable.  

Now back to the conversation on Monday...the person I was talking to said that there are specific situations you can't help what mirror you see your reflection in - like when you are a child growing up:  Your family is the best way to see your reflection, and the values and priorities that are emphasized are seen when you look at yourself.  Then, she went on to say (I kid you not!)...

As you get older, you have to figure out what mirror you are going to look in to see yourself.  Sometimes the mirrors we are around most often do not accurately reflect back to us who we are, what we value, and where, in fact, our value lies.  When we find ourselves in those situations, you have to find a better mirror.

A Better Mirror.  This was said by someone who does not know I write this blog.  And that is how I know I am on the right path in life.  I am talking with and putting myself in situations where I am being encouraged to find a way to see my true reflection:  A Better Mirror.

So, when I think of myself as a gift, and I'm not happy with how I'm gift-wrapped or how the edges aren't crisp or the decorations aren't perfect, I need to remember that I can choose to find a different way of looking at myself...I need to search out the mirror that truly reflects who I am.   

Letting Go of Numbers

I am a pretty mathematical thinker.  I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I have a pretty strong math lineage - my mom was a math teacher, and my dad was an engineer.  I grew up "seeing" math everywhere, and to this day, I find it difficult to not try to point it out to everyone! I love looking at life for patterns and looking at patterns for life!  I take dates and try to make math problems out of them.  I enjoy numbers, and thinking about them has been a way of life for me.

With that being said, I have a serious problem with numbers.  

Yesterday, I stood in front of my mirror, and I had what I think is a profound, and potentially life-changing thought...at least, for me.  Before I get there, let me throw out some significant numbers:

0
0
35
68
??? (Doesn't really matter what the actual number is...)
*** (Just pretend you know...or insert your own here...)

Now, back to my profound and life-changing thought.  It was one of those that just popped in my head without any lead-in...one that I haven't been able to stop thinking about since yesterday.  Are you ready?

I am not defined by any number.  Or rather, my value cannot be determined by a number.

Seriously?  Where did that come from?  I was literally looking at myself in the mirror when I had that thought.  And I don't think that was a coincidence.

As I tried to explain before, my mind looks for the logic and pattern in life by searching out numbers.  I like to be able to wrap my head around concepts by quantifying them or finding similarities and patterns...or even through problem solving - looking for a solution!  I love math and how it affects life.

Realizing yesterday that I was trying to find my own value through mathematical logic has shaken up my world. I cannot be defined by these numbers:


0 - How many times I've been married, and consequently, the number of years I've been married
0 - The number of children I have 
35 - My age
68 - My height
??? (Doesn't really matter what the actual number is...) - My IQ
*** (Just pretend you know...or insert your own here...) - My weight
Or any other numeric category I can put myself in...

If not numbers, however, then what?  (Did you see that "If, then" statement there...still thinking mathematically?!)  How do I shift my paradigm and see myself differently?  

As I continue to process how to determine my value, I am able to separate some thoughts.  First, my value is not based on what I do.  I cannot achieve or diminish my value by the choices I make.  I do, however, want my choices to reflect not only my value, but what I value.  Second, my value cannot be assigned to me by another.  If this were the case, my value would probably rise and fall like a volatile stock price.  Third, I know without a doubt that I have God-given value, but I don't want to take that as a stock answer or take it for granted:  I want to understand the value God has given me.  Finally, I am nowhere near done with this process.  My mind was kind of blown away by all of this yesterday, and I feel like I'm just waking up from a deep sleep...

The irony that I had this thought while looking in a mirror is not lost on me as I write this blog.  FINALLY, the mirror I own is becoming a better one.  Or maybe the user is just figuring out how to correctly see things in it.

I Feel Badly for Pennies

So, I feel badly for pennies.  Don't worry - I feel badly for nickels and dimes, too.  (Oddly enough, I don't feel badly for quarters.  I think that is mostly due to the recent state quarters that had my whole family searching for an Iowa P quarter for nearly a year, but I digress...)  So often these coins are carelessly dropped on the ground or given as a tip when they are the remainder of a purchase at a local coffee shop.  My odd empathy for these coins developed last week when I cashed in my piggy bank.  

I have this beautifully decorated piggy bank that stores all my coins.  I live on a cash system, so at the end of each month, I put all of my remaining coins into the yellow pig.  When the pig is full, I take it to the bank.  My months of collecting coins netted $87.60.  I was astonished - it's not a large piggy bank by any means, but that yellow pig held coins that together had high value.

Sometimes I feel like I am a penny or a nickel - maybe even a dime.  I feel like the leftover or the casually-dropped person in the room.  I feel like I don't have value.  I have recently read a few articles that debated stopping the production of coins, especially pennies.  In light of my recent empathetic revelation, I can't help but feel like there could be people who don't want me around either.  It's hard not to succumb to those feelings of lack of worth and value.

As a single woman in her mid-thirties, I have had the amazing opportunity to watch my friends meet their soul mates and start families.  Along with this opportunity, however, comes an almost constant pressure (whether from myself or others, it is the same) to find someone with whom to share my life.  Now, this sounds like a great idea, and I'd love to do that should the opportunity present itself, but it also lends itself to the thinking that I can't have a full life alone.  Now, I truly don't want to have a pity party here...I have learned to love my life as a singleton, and I love being part of the families of all my friends.  

The truth is there is strong value in a group, a family, a couple, etc.  Often, when these people come together, it is for a purpose, and their shared effort and devotion affect change.  There is power in numbers - it's a cliche for a reason.  Membership in the collective doesn't, however, diminish the value of the individual.  And I think that is where I have landed:  Yes, a dollar has more numeric value than a penny, dime, nickel or even quarter, but you can not get to the whole without accounting for the parts.  They all have value, no matter what the number assigned to them may be.  

So I may be just a penny...but my dad is a coin collector, and he has several pennies with more value than initially thought...just like me. 

"Working Hard to Stay Small"

Phenomenal.  I heard that quote in a TED Talk by Brene Brown today.  How often do I work hard to stay small, to stay unnoticed, to hide behind my actions or those around me?  What is it about myself that makes me think I don't deserve to be seen or heard or valued?


I am floored by how Dr. Brown discusses vulnerability and shame.  Her research started with shame, but moved towards vulnerability when she discovered that vulnerability is necessary for whole-hearted living.  (And who doesn't want to be fully engaged in their own life?!)  Vulnerability is not weakness, she states, but rather "vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage."  


How does my own shame hold me back from being courageous?  (Dr. Brown describes shame as feelings of "I am bad" and guilt as feelings of "I did something bad.")  I don't even know the answer to that question, but I know that I am held back.  So how do I address this in my life?

1. I will find value in who I am daily.  It will not always be profound, but I will purposefully identify a character trait in myself that has value.
2. I will not perform habitual behaviors, just because they are a part of my life.  Now, this one will take awhile, as I will need to discover which behaviors are merely habits, but I need to make sure my behaviors are choices and not just reactions.
3. I will stop doing the things in my life that make me feel bad about myself.  (This may tie directly to #2.) For me, eating is directly tied to self-worth, and I need to separate these in my own life.
4. I will try new things or even try things with a new perspective - choosing instead to let go of past experiences.
5. I will surround myself with a group that will help me by praying for and encouraging me to see myself the way they see me.

I realize this list is not finished, but it's a fabulous beginning.  I should not hide anymore or make myself small.  I have value...and so do you.

Do You Believe?

If you have never seen a TED Talk, I highly recommend you visit their website.  There is a wealth of information and wisdom being discussed and shared by some of the most brilliant minds of our time.  


I just watched a TED Talk by Caroline Casey, a woman with whom I was not familiar, but one who just challenged me to change.  "I never needed eyes to see...I simply needed vision and belief."  By the time Caroline Casey said these words at the end of her talk, I knew who she was and what she stood for.  Caroline was raised with no labels and no limitations; her parents raised her to embrace her talents and abilities.  At the age of 17, she was told that she had been legally blind since birth ("I never needed eyes to see..."), but her parents never allowed for her to know that she "should be" limited by her physical disability - they raised her with the ability to believe that she could do anything she wanted to...they taught her to believe.


My first thought was this:  If my parents hadn't told me the truth about my "condition" for 17 years, that would mean they were liars.  (A little judgmental, I know...but I did move on quickly!)  My second thought was drastically different:  Wow.  She was not upset with her parents, but thankful for teaching her how to believe.  And not just the power to believe, but the amazing ability to believe in herself.  How long did I yearn for the desire to believe that I was worth something, that I had value, that I mattered.  


Now, Caroline did come upon some struggles later in life, but she discovered that she was believing in the wrong thing...she wasn't believing in herself, that all of her was enough.  How often does that happen?  Sitting here right now, I have been struggling to embrace all the different aspects of myself, knowing that I haven't been perfect today.  Do I believe that I am enough?  Caroline added that it's exhausting trying to be perfect when you're not.  Are you tired?  Is it more difficult to fight who you are or to accept it and embrace who you really are, imperfections and all?


How can we learn from Caroline Casey, a woman whose vision surpasses the limits of her eyes?  For me, I need to consider that only seeing with my eyes puts a constraint on the vision of my heart and soul.  I need to re-evaluate what I am looking for and how I am looking.  I need to let go of labels and limitations and believe in myself...embrace myself - mistakes, imperfections, and all.  I need to learn to believe in myself, to let go of the preconceived notions that I allow and use to hold me back from growth and vision.  I need to believe that I am enough.  


What do you need to believe?

A Different Perspective

I am fully convinced that we can be our own worst enemies.  For years, I was so conscious of how I treated other people - always making sure to be nice and gracious, to give compliments and avoid judgments (out loud, at least).  I purposefully worked to make others feel good about themselves.  All the while, I was doing the exact opposite to myself.  In fact, if someone treated me this way, I was immediately suspicious or ignorant of their comments.  Where did this come from?  Why is it so hard to believe good things about ourselves?  Who taught us that taking a compliment is wrong...or conceited?


I recently read some research from Act for Youth about adolescents and self-esteem.  I am wrestling with the information - not because I don't believe that there are self-esteem issues for teens, but because I don't know if I agree with a conclusion they drew:  "Adolescents will feel better about themselves if they experience success in domains they care about and are praised for that success by people they respect."  What defines success?  Is this only done by doing something?  


One often hears the phrase "A woman who wears many hats."  I think this mentality starts at an early age.  In high school, I was my mother's daughter, nana's granddaughter, brother's sister, the athlete, the math nerd, the church girl, etc...Every one of my favorite places gave me a new title/hat, and in each situation, I became a somewhat different person.  Each hat came with different responsibilities, and I defined success as meeting them.  But along with those responsibilities came judgments and comparisons (mostly by me).  So while I was successful, I often felt worthless if I didn't achieve. And I felt lost without a hat on to assign me a certain value. 


What would happen if we threw away all of our hats?  How would we be different if we saw value outside (instead) of success?  What would happen if we were as conscious of being good to ourselves as we are of treating others well?  How would we change if every time we shared a kind word with someone else, we thought a compliment about ourselves?  Would we see ourselves with more value if we took a moment to look at ourselves without the lens of judgment, comparison, or results?


Seeing myself has changed my world...well, rocked my world is more accurate. I am able to appreciate the things I bring to the table and am ok with mistakes I make in the process.  Success doesn't define me because I have already determined that I am valuable.  In contrast, I also see others in a better light, as I am no longer comparing myself.  I don't need them to be a certain person to help define me.  I see who they are for their true person.  It is amazing how my relationships have changed over the past three years; they are so much more healthy and rewarding.


That's been one of the unexpected rewards of seeing myself in a better mirror: Once I saw the difference, I wanted everyone to experience the joy and freedom and weightlessness of expectation and judgment.  I want others to be able to look in the mirror and see their true selves.

Finding a Better Mirror

It wasn't that long ago that I was in high school...


High school for me was a period of excellence - in academics, in athletics, in life.  I accomplished so many things, but looking back, I didn't manage to do one of the biggest tasks set before me:  I didn't see the value of who I was...I only saw the value of what I did.  (Disclaimer:  A lot of what I did reflected who I wanted to be or who I am now, but I did not necessarily pursue those actions for the value of learning about myself.)  I think I was looking for recognition or satisfaction in making someone else happy, but I'm not sure.  I definitely wasn't that self-aware back then.


I often wish that someone had told me back then what I know now.  Not that I can confirm I would have paid attention to it, but how awesome would it be for my life to have radically changed at the age of 15 versus the age of 31...


So what do I know now?  (Well, loads of random facts to start...)  


The important topic/life lesson I want to share/discuss in this blog is that it's ok to take care of yourself.  It's not selfish.  It doesn't mean you don't care about other people - in fact, I would argue that you are better able to care about others if you are healthy yourself.  Taking care of yourself can change how you view the world, how you approach the world, and how you impact the world.


So here comes the blog...A Better Mirror.  Why do we need a better mirror?  Perhaps better isn't the "right" word.  Perhaps accurate is a better fit, or true.  As we journey, you can fill in that blank, but regardless, there needs to be a change in how young women view themselves.  The value lies in who we (you!) are, not in what we (you!) do.  The mirror comes in when it is a true reflection of your healthy self - mind, body, and soul.  All work together to make you an amazing being ready to make an impact.


It took me a long time to find the right mirror.  Ironically, I was finally able to look in a mirror and not want to avoid what I saw.  But now I can see myself for who I truly am, and I am learning to love the person looking back.