Gift-wrapping

I love wrapping presents, but I am not very good at it.  I do not like when the paper doesn't lay flat and tight to the package, and I have become convinced that I am not using the right quality of wrapping paper.  I have 2 aunts who wrap packages most beautifully...to the point that the packages themselves are works of art.  (It's no wonder my Nana used to take so long unwrapping presents at Christmas!!)  My presents do not look like that - even when I use gift bags!

On Monday, I was having a conversation about how I am a gift (as is each person) whose value is not determined by the person who receives the present.  You see, I can see myself as a gift in the company of certain people - because they value me like a gift.  But there are others who I have a hard time feeling valuable around...am I still a gift then?  

The answer to that question is yes.  My value is not determined by others (or a number as I discussed in my previous post) or by what I do.  I am a gift because I am intentional, personal, thoughtful, and so much more.  I am a gift whether I choose to use those attributes in certain settings or not.  (I can be present without being a gift...I am LOVING that play on words.)  

Now, even as I'm typing this entry, I am struggling with the words.  I get that I have value and am a gift no matter who I am with or where I am.  But...I get that more theoretically than I do practically.  It's hard to embrace that reality in the midst of a situation where you don't feel valuable.  

Now back to the conversation on Monday...the person I was talking to said that there are specific situations you can't help what mirror you see your reflection in - like when you are a child growing up:  Your family is the best way to see your reflection, and the values and priorities that are emphasized are seen when you look at yourself.  Then, she went on to say (I kid you not!)...

As you get older, you have to figure out what mirror you are going to look in to see yourself.  Sometimes the mirrors we are around most often do not accurately reflect back to us who we are, what we value, and where, in fact, our value lies.  When we find ourselves in those situations, you have to find a better mirror.

A Better Mirror.  This was said by someone who does not know I write this blog.  And that is how I know I am on the right path in life.  I am talking with and putting myself in situations where I am being encouraged to find a way to see my true reflection:  A Better Mirror.

So, when I think of myself as a gift, and I'm not happy with how I'm gift-wrapped or how the edges aren't crisp or the decorations aren't perfect, I need to remember that I can choose to find a different way of looking at myself...I need to search out the mirror that truly reflects who I am.   

Letting Go of Numbers

I am a pretty mathematical thinker.  I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I have a pretty strong math lineage - my mom was a math teacher, and my dad was an engineer.  I grew up "seeing" math everywhere, and to this day, I find it difficult to not try to point it out to everyone! I love looking at life for patterns and looking at patterns for life!  I take dates and try to make math problems out of them.  I enjoy numbers, and thinking about them has been a way of life for me.

With that being said, I have a serious problem with numbers.  

Yesterday, I stood in front of my mirror, and I had what I think is a profound, and potentially life-changing thought...at least, for me.  Before I get there, let me throw out some significant numbers:

0
0
35
68
??? (Doesn't really matter what the actual number is...)
*** (Just pretend you know...or insert your own here...)

Now, back to my profound and life-changing thought.  It was one of those that just popped in my head without any lead-in...one that I haven't been able to stop thinking about since yesterday.  Are you ready?

I am not defined by any number.  Or rather, my value cannot be determined by a number.

Seriously?  Where did that come from?  I was literally looking at myself in the mirror when I had that thought.  And I don't think that was a coincidence.

As I tried to explain before, my mind looks for the logic and pattern in life by searching out numbers.  I like to be able to wrap my head around concepts by quantifying them or finding similarities and patterns...or even through problem solving - looking for a solution!  I love math and how it affects life.

Realizing yesterday that I was trying to find my own value through mathematical logic has shaken up my world. I cannot be defined by these numbers:


0 - How many times I've been married, and consequently, the number of years I've been married
0 - The number of children I have 
35 - My age
68 - My height
??? (Doesn't really matter what the actual number is...) - My IQ
*** (Just pretend you know...or insert your own here...) - My weight
Or any other numeric category I can put myself in...

If not numbers, however, then what?  (Did you see that "If, then" statement there...still thinking mathematically?!)  How do I shift my paradigm and see myself differently?  

As I continue to process how to determine my value, I am able to separate some thoughts.  First, my value is not based on what I do.  I cannot achieve or diminish my value by the choices I make.  I do, however, want my choices to reflect not only my value, but what I value.  Second, my value cannot be assigned to me by another.  If this were the case, my value would probably rise and fall like a volatile stock price.  Third, I know without a doubt that I have God-given value, but I don't want to take that as a stock answer or take it for granted:  I want to understand the value God has given me.  Finally, I am nowhere near done with this process.  My mind was kind of blown away by all of this yesterday, and I feel like I'm just waking up from a deep sleep...

The irony that I had this thought while looking in a mirror is not lost on me as I write this blog.  FINALLY, the mirror I own is becoming a better one.  Or maybe the user is just figuring out how to correctly see things in it.

When You Truly Want the Desires of Your Heart

I often find it ironic that I titled this blog "A Better Mirror" because I hate looking in the mirror - and not just because I often don't like what I see...I also don't like mirrors because they more often reflect the lies I tell myself than the truths I want to see.  I'm reading a book that talks about how our culture has inundated us with information - almost to the point that we are desperate for rules.  That is how I have been viewing my life this past week:  I am desperate to live the life and to be the person that I want to be.  I desperately want.

Now, I'm not talking about trivial things, like wanting to win the lottery and spending money like I already have it.  No, my "wants" are more core desires that have a distinct effect on my character.  For example, I want to be someone who does not waste time.  But when I get home at night, the task of figuring out what to do seems overwhelming...so I accomplish the bare minimum and putz around.  Or I set my alarm to wake up earlier than normal, and I hit snooze several time because my body is not used to getting up earlier.  (Please keep in mind that I truly have a deep desire to not be lazy!  I am usually quite busy, and my life is more of a reflection of fatigue and lack of preparation.)  I'm talking about wanting change that reflects the true values in my life and not just the surface appearances.

Hence my ruminations about the irony of this blog.  When even the measure you are clinging to for a true reflection is clouded and/or tainted, there is a problem.  I have a plethora of choice in how to handle this irony:  I can ignore the desires of my heart and the thoughts that continue to circulate in my mind.  I can pretend that everything is fine and disregard the results of said ignorance.  I can make minor changes and complain.  OR...I can recognize that there is not a problem with the mirror.  The problem isn't even with what I am putting in front of the mirror.  The problem, in fact, is that I have let passivity, denial, disorganization, and dishonesty have power in my life.  I have made choices, but then I have not truly seen those choices come to fruition - for whatever reason.  (See previous sentence.)  

I have acknowledged the core desires of my heart, and, by not pursuing them, I have not recognized their value.  When I accept the status quo, I have denied the reflection of my true mirror, perpetuated the irony, and thus devalued who I am.

If my heart continues to challenge the way I am living, am I expending more energy to deny change than I would if I were to make change?  Only time will tell, but I am more than willing to invest extra energy on the front end to better align how I live my life.

Finding a Better Mirror

It wasn't that long ago that I was in high school...


High school for me was a period of excellence - in academics, in athletics, in life.  I accomplished so many things, but looking back, I didn't manage to do one of the biggest tasks set before me:  I didn't see the value of who I was...I only saw the value of what I did.  (Disclaimer:  A lot of what I did reflected who I wanted to be or who I am now, but I did not necessarily pursue those actions for the value of learning about myself.)  I think I was looking for recognition or satisfaction in making someone else happy, but I'm not sure.  I definitely wasn't that self-aware back then.


I often wish that someone had told me back then what I know now.  Not that I can confirm I would have paid attention to it, but how awesome would it be for my life to have radically changed at the age of 15 versus the age of 31...


So what do I know now?  (Well, loads of random facts to start...)  


The important topic/life lesson I want to share/discuss in this blog is that it's ok to take care of yourself.  It's not selfish.  It doesn't mean you don't care about other people - in fact, I would argue that you are better able to care about others if you are healthy yourself.  Taking care of yourself can change how you view the world, how you approach the world, and how you impact the world.


So here comes the blog...A Better Mirror.  Why do we need a better mirror?  Perhaps better isn't the "right" word.  Perhaps accurate is a better fit, or true.  As we journey, you can fill in that blank, but regardless, there needs to be a change in how young women view themselves.  The value lies in who we (you!) are, not in what we (you!) do.  The mirror comes in when it is a true reflection of your healthy self - mind, body, and soul.  All work together to make you an amazing being ready to make an impact.


It took me a long time to find the right mirror.  Ironically, I was finally able to look in a mirror and not want to avoid what I saw.  But now I can see myself for who I truly am, and I am learning to love the person looking back.