Summer Break Is Over...

I live in an almost constant desire for time off.  I'm not sure where that comes from, or what I need time off for exactly...

I took a break from writing this blog over the summer.  There was no real reason why.  In retrospect, I would guess because my life got a little more complicated:  Both my parents retired, moved to Cleveland, moved back with my nieces...my brother moved into the house I had been living in, and then I moved out at the end of the summer.   Lots of change.  And I'm not that huge a fan of change.  As I experience more and more of it this summer, however, I realized that I am not anti-change at all.  In fact, I found that I am constantly looking for change and improvement.  I do not, however, like feeling out of control, and so often (for me, at least), change feels out of my control.

It is with this enormous self-realization that I begin to blog again.  I know it's November, and summer has been over for awhile, (Although you wouldn't know it, since it hasn't snowed yet...not that I'm bitter!) but I feel like a new year is starting.  I have that wonderful anticipatory feeling that I would get when a new school year would start.  (If only there were back-to-school sales for this type of event!)  The hum-drum days of laziness and heat that blended one into the other are over, and I am ready for change.  In fact, I am ready to learn - the best kind of change, yet.

I feel like I have fallen into old habits of not taking care of myself, and that is what is generating my desire for time off.  Who knew that making that simple transition from summer vacation-brain to actively pursuing life would energize me in such a profound way.  I am ready to live, to learn, and to make choices again.  

I am ready to take care of myself again.

Vocabulary Lessons

There are certain words that automatically bring me back to high school English classes.  "Rumination" is one of them.  I literally remember having the discussion about a cow chewing his/her cud.  "Morass" is another, because what word can make a high school-er giggle than a word that contains a swear word and means swamp?  


As I sit down today, I have been processing certain specific words and their meaning in my life.  My words lately seem to revolve around being present and thoughtful.  I am constantly hearing and using the word choice...but never when I need to make a choice.  I like to contemplate being purposeful, intentional in my actions...when I'm not actually doing anything.


So how do words and thoughts become actions and happenings?  This is the dilemma that has been plaguing me for the past couple weeks.  Not only do I have high hopes of making change in my life, but I have high expectations as to when these should be accomplished.  


And then I do something.  Some would call it making a choice, but I am struggling with that label, as there is often no conscious thought backing it up.  Or rather I should say, there is no purposeful thought behind it...because I can feel myself thinking at the time.  And I can feel myself thinking during the action.  Afterwards, however, I look at that and ask myself why I never stopped or changed course or did something!  


I so want to be purposeful and present in everything I do, but I allow habits and mindlessness to rule my behavior.  I want to do more than talk about this and acknowledge this:  I want to change.  Do you hear me, self?  I want to change!  I need to change!  I desire the results, and I'm willing to put in the work, too.  But I need to know when to work and how to work. I need more than myself, and I don't know where that more comes from.  There are obvious answers to that - with the main one being God.  And I do believe that God helps us - please don't doubt me on this...but I also know God gives us free will...meaning choices...and we need to come to Him...meaning awareness.  This is my struggle:  Awareness of choice.  


Words have power.  Does action have greater power?    

It's Time to Celebrate...YOU!

There are a million reasons to celebrate this season:  The birth of Christ.  Spending time with family.  Seeing friends you haven't seen in ages.  But don't forget to celebrate yourself!


There were several years where hearing that suggestion would have sent me down a steep guilt spiral - there was no way, I thought, to celebrate myself without being too selfish or ignoring someone else who deserved it more.  Throw in the self-doubt stairs - There is nothing about me that should be enjoyed...is there? - and the climb back to reality after the holidays seemed insurmountable.  Inevitably, I always tried to come out on top...I set New Year's Resolutions that were meant to pull me out of my funk and push me back on top. The goals I set, however, were unrealistic or impersonal, and I would end up plateauing at a lower level than where I originally started.


The change came a couple years back when someone convinced me that I deserved to take care of myself.  Since we can only be accountable for the decisions we make ourselves, we are not in control of the health of others (mental, physical, spiritual, or emotional).  Well that came as quite a shock and really freed up a load of my time.  Spending the majority of my time on thinking about others allowed for me to ignore myself.  I was thrilled to have my time back...until I realized I now had to fill that with something - and hiding from myself was no longer going to work.


I began to get to know myself again - what did I enjoy doing for me?  What was I only doing because I thought others would enjoy it or needed it?  How did I feel in different situations?  What did I want to change about myself and why?  To be perfectly honest, there were some parts of myself that I really did not like, and they were the first things I worked out of my system.  There were other characteristics I wanted to develop, and so I started down those paths.


Have you done a self-evaluation lately?  One where you are not searching for the things you've done wrong, but in which you are looking to see who you really are?  What did you find?  Were you able to really SEE yourself?


I hope you do.  For you are someone who deserves to be known.  Your friends know the truth - as does your family.  You are worth getting to know.  And when you take the time for yourself, you will have even more reason to celebrate.