When Ideas Pop in My Head

During my waking hours, I have a constant stream of ideas flowing through my mind.  Quite often, I ignore these thoughts and choose to focus on the task at hand or something else.  Occasionally, though, I catch one of my thoughts in the moment, and I am compelled to stop and process the thought.  

I was getting ready for church on Sunday morning when one of these thoughts passed through my mind:

"Just because you don't have children doesn't mean that you lack incentive for leading a life of character."  

I was floored by this topic, as it seemingly came out of nowhere.  (After some process time, I am guessing that it reflected two separate conversations I had with my parents where we discussed other parents who had made decisions that could impact their children in a negative way.)  I remember looking at myself in the mirror - which, as you all know, is not one of my favorite activities - as I tried to make sure I had "heard" myself correctly.  I spent the rest of the morning considering not only the challenge before me, but the unspoken condition of me lacking incentive.

I have mentioned before my previous thoughts on airline instructions to put your oxygen mask on before you help someone else.  (For a long time, this did not make sense to me.  I confess that I still struggle with this concept in my everyday life.)  I immediately began to incorporate this into my processing of my morning's thought.  So often, when I think of taking care of myself, I have put it into the context of "...so I can take care of someone/thing else" - like there was a condition to or requirement for my taking care of myself.  

If I remove others from my health equation, do I still need to be healthy?

Mind blown.  I hadn't realized how conditional my health had become to me.  Even without knowing what my "conditions" were, I was subconsciously making personal choices based on their role in my life.  I had to ask myself:  What is my motivation for being healthy?  Can I be healthy when I think no one is looking?  Will I choose health because it's the right thing to do?

That last question has weighed heavy on my mind since Sunday.  As I mentioned last week, I am adopting the word finish as my theme for 2013.  I have tossed around the idea of adjusting it to complete because I want that to reflect not only my desire to finish but also to be well-rounded.  Regardless of my decision on that, I know that I need to embrace my answers to the questions above.  If I give the expected or "right" answer because it's what I think I should do, doesn't that go against my desire to remove the conditions from my health?  Don't my answers reflect my character?

I have decided to amend the airline oxygen mask analogy in my life:  I now need to stop focusing on who else I can help with their oxygen mask, since I am not responsible for anyone else (i.e. children).  I need to make sure my mask is on and working, so that I meet my own needs and make my own health a priority. Beyond that, I need to make sure I am doing the right thing for me, so that my true character is reflected.

When You Truly Want the Desires of Your Heart

I often find it ironic that I titled this blog "A Better Mirror" because I hate looking in the mirror - and not just because I often don't like what I see...I also don't like mirrors because they more often reflect the lies I tell myself than the truths I want to see.  I'm reading a book that talks about how our culture has inundated us with information - almost to the point that we are desperate for rules.  That is how I have been viewing my life this past week:  I am desperate to live the life and to be the person that I want to be.  I desperately want.

Now, I'm not talking about trivial things, like wanting to win the lottery and spending money like I already have it.  No, my "wants" are more core desires that have a distinct effect on my character.  For example, I want to be someone who does not waste time.  But when I get home at night, the task of figuring out what to do seems overwhelming...so I accomplish the bare minimum and putz around.  Or I set my alarm to wake up earlier than normal, and I hit snooze several time because my body is not used to getting up earlier.  (Please keep in mind that I truly have a deep desire to not be lazy!  I am usually quite busy, and my life is more of a reflection of fatigue and lack of preparation.)  I'm talking about wanting change that reflects the true values in my life and not just the surface appearances.

Hence my ruminations about the irony of this blog.  When even the measure you are clinging to for a true reflection is clouded and/or tainted, there is a problem.  I have a plethora of choice in how to handle this irony:  I can ignore the desires of my heart and the thoughts that continue to circulate in my mind.  I can pretend that everything is fine and disregard the results of said ignorance.  I can make minor changes and complain.  OR...I can recognize that there is not a problem with the mirror.  The problem isn't even with what I am putting in front of the mirror.  The problem, in fact, is that I have let passivity, denial, disorganization, and dishonesty have power in my life.  I have made choices, but then I have not truly seen those choices come to fruition - for whatever reason.  (See previous sentence.)  

I have acknowledged the core desires of my heart, and, by not pursuing them, I have not recognized their value.  When I accept the status quo, I have denied the reflection of my true mirror, perpetuated the irony, and thus devalued who I am.

If my heart continues to challenge the way I am living, am I expending more energy to deny change than I would if I were to make change?  Only time will tell, but I am more than willing to invest extra energy on the front end to better align how I live my life.