No Explanation is Good Enough

I fell down about a month ago.  I was standing in the aisle of my church, talking with some friends, and then I wasn't standing anymore.  (It really is that simple of an explanation...I could tell you I shifted my weight, rolled my ankle back and forth and then fell, but the details don't change the fact that I was standing, and then I wasn't.)  I was quickly surrounded by friends way better than I deserve...who I pretty much tried to get to leave, but who instead stayed and gave me the support I was fighting (but desperately needed!).

I am still thoroughly embarrassed at the amount of attention my fall garnered, but I am also embarrassed by my reaction. Hi, my name is Eden...I do not know how to accept help.  I grew up a people pleaser, often finding a way to take care of others without them necessarily needing help.  I was quick to shift focus and attention on others.  I don't know if I ever learned how to receive someone else's good intentions.

I'm fairly certain that there is not a good explanation for my unwillingness to accept help - or rather, my need to fight accepting help before I finally acquiesce.  I completely understand that I cannot do everything myself.  And while I'm sure pride plays it's part, I'm not convinced that it runs the show.  I think accepting help (or not accepting help, in my case) is more indicative of my feelings about my own self-worth.  In true "Better Mirror" fashion, I can't stop thinking about that reflection:  When I truly look at myself, am I a person who deserves help and support when needed?  

Like I mentioned before, I eventually accepted the help of one of my closest friends after I had fallen.  She knows my struggles with self-esteem and knows that I often see myself as a burden on others if I can't take care of myself.  She took charge of the situation and didn't ask me if I needed anything...she saw me as a person worthy of love, care, and support and gave it to me willingly.  As embarrassed as I was, I eventually stopped fighting the help and said a simple "thank you."  

It has me once again considering who I see when I look in a mirror.  Am I a person worthy of love, care, and support?  Do I deserve good things?  Do I deserve people in my life who want to be there themselves (and not just who I want to be there...)?  

Of course the answer is yes!  But I can't help but wonder when I will start to see myself that way...      

The Importance of Friends

I had a text conversation with two of my best friends over lunch today.  And yesterday.  And possibly the day before.  Today, we were talking about a book we are all reading.  I was laughing and smiling each time my text music played.  Sometimes, I am surprised by the texts; other times, I am giggling that we know each other so well.  

There are so many cliches about friendship, and I think they are there to prove a point:

We need friends in our lives.  (And sometimes we have a hard time expressing what they mean to us without invoking the emotions of that old Folgers commercial where Peter comes home for Christmas and surprises his mom by making her coffee.)

This same group of gals that I was texting and I have a bible study that meets weekly at Starbucks.  We started meeting regularly over 6 years ago...But it wasn't automatic...and it wasn't easy.

It was necessary.  I had just moved back to Nebraska after living in Minnesota for 6 years.  I adored (and still do!) my friends there, and many were in the same situations as I was in, but I felt God calling me home.  I really didn't have any close friends in Nebraska anymore, and I was not looking forward to being lonely.  So I started looking for people who I wanted to be like and who I thought would make me a better person.  Then, I awkwardly asked them if they wanted to be in a bible study with me.  We started to meet, and I know those first few months were not smooth, but they happened.  Over the next few months, we developed a pattern.  Even more importantly, however, we built trust and friendship.  We found out who the others were and looked to support each other in tangible ways.  

As time has passed, we have each commented on how much we needed this in our lives.  Each of us had been praying for a group of friends, and God figured out a way to bring us together.  We thank God regularly for answering those prayers.

I was originally going to write about how we need to be good friends to ourselves - and we do! - but often that is not enough.  We need to have people around us who make us better...who challenge us...who hold us accountable...who hold us when we can't find strength...who we can be around with no expectations.  We need that group of friends who knows us and loves us anyways.  

I have been blessed with fabulous friends.  And I look forward to the next round of texts and lattes and whatever else comes our way!