No Explanation is Good Enough

I fell down about a month ago.  I was standing in the aisle of my church, talking with some friends, and then I wasn't standing anymore.  (It really is that simple of an explanation...I could tell you I shifted my weight, rolled my ankle back and forth and then fell, but the details don't change the fact that I was standing, and then I wasn't.)  I was quickly surrounded by friends way better than I deserve...who I pretty much tried to get to leave, but who instead stayed and gave me the support I was fighting (but desperately needed!).

I am still thoroughly embarrassed at the amount of attention my fall garnered, but I am also embarrassed by my reaction. Hi, my name is Eden...I do not know how to accept help.  I grew up a people pleaser, often finding a way to take care of others without them necessarily needing help.  I was quick to shift focus and attention on others.  I don't know if I ever learned how to receive someone else's good intentions.

I'm fairly certain that there is not a good explanation for my unwillingness to accept help - or rather, my need to fight accepting help before I finally acquiesce.  I completely understand that I cannot do everything myself.  And while I'm sure pride plays it's part, I'm not convinced that it runs the show.  I think accepting help (or not accepting help, in my case) is more indicative of my feelings about my own self-worth.  In true "Better Mirror" fashion, I can't stop thinking about that reflection:  When I truly look at myself, am I a person who deserves help and support when needed?  

Like I mentioned before, I eventually accepted the help of one of my closest friends after I had fallen.  She knows my struggles with self-esteem and knows that I often see myself as a burden on others if I can't take care of myself.  She took charge of the situation and didn't ask me if I needed anything...she saw me as a person worthy of love, care, and support and gave it to me willingly.  As embarrassed as I was, I eventually stopped fighting the help and said a simple "thank you."  

It has me once again considering who I see when I look in a mirror.  Am I a person worthy of love, care, and support?  Do I deserve good things?  Do I deserve people in my life who want to be there themselves (and not just who I want to be there...)?  

Of course the answer is yes!  But I can't help but wonder when I will start to see myself that way...      

A Different Perspective

I am fully convinced that we can be our own worst enemies.  For years, I was so conscious of how I treated other people - always making sure to be nice and gracious, to give compliments and avoid judgments (out loud, at least).  I purposefully worked to make others feel good about themselves.  All the while, I was doing the exact opposite to myself.  In fact, if someone treated me this way, I was immediately suspicious or ignorant of their comments.  Where did this come from?  Why is it so hard to believe good things about ourselves?  Who taught us that taking a compliment is wrong...or conceited?


I recently read some research from Act for Youth about adolescents and self-esteem.  I am wrestling with the information - not because I don't believe that there are self-esteem issues for teens, but because I don't know if I agree with a conclusion they drew:  "Adolescents will feel better about themselves if they experience success in domains they care about and are praised for that success by people they respect."  What defines success?  Is this only done by doing something?  


One often hears the phrase "A woman who wears many hats."  I think this mentality starts at an early age.  In high school, I was my mother's daughter, nana's granddaughter, brother's sister, the athlete, the math nerd, the church girl, etc...Every one of my favorite places gave me a new title/hat, and in each situation, I became a somewhat different person.  Each hat came with different responsibilities, and I defined success as meeting them.  But along with those responsibilities came judgments and comparisons (mostly by me).  So while I was successful, I often felt worthless if I didn't achieve. And I felt lost without a hat on to assign me a certain value. 


What would happen if we threw away all of our hats?  How would we be different if we saw value outside (instead) of success?  What would happen if we were as conscious of being good to ourselves as we are of treating others well?  How would we change if every time we shared a kind word with someone else, we thought a compliment about ourselves?  Would we see ourselves with more value if we took a moment to look at ourselves without the lens of judgment, comparison, or results?


Seeing myself has changed my world...well, rocked my world is more accurate. I am able to appreciate the things I bring to the table and am ok with mistakes I make in the process.  Success doesn't define me because I have already determined that I am valuable.  In contrast, I also see others in a better light, as I am no longer comparing myself.  I don't need them to be a certain person to help define me.  I see who they are for their true person.  It is amazing how my relationships have changed over the past three years; they are so much more healthy and rewarding.


That's been one of the unexpected rewards of seeing myself in a better mirror: Once I saw the difference, I wanted everyone to experience the joy and freedom and weightlessness of expectation and judgment.  I want others to be able to look in the mirror and see their true selves.