Feeling Insignificant...And a Snow Day

There are so many times in life where it is easy to feel insignificant.  It really doesn't take a specific setting for this to happen, although - for me - there are some key ingredients:

• Being alone in a large group
• Not being listened to or heard
• Only being seen by what is on the outside
• Feeling inferior in any way
• Other ways that are recognizable but hard to explain

Usually, feelings of insignificance come when I am around a group of people with a trait or ability I admire but do not have.  Sometimes, I may have those qualities, but not at what I would consider an admirable level.

Take, for instance, an experience I've had this past week...I recently joined a free online college course at Coursera.  The class is E-Learning and Digital Cultures at the University of Edinburgh.  There are over 40,000 people registered for this course.  We have a designated course website, but we are invited to interact on all social media outlets a course hashtag.  I have been following course interaction on twitter, and I am overwhelmed by the thoughts and sheer volume of tweets that this course is generating.  In the course of a week, I have gone from feeling like I am on the cusp of learning by taking an online course to feeling like I have no fresh ideas...and to feeling insignificant.  The irony of feeling insignificant in this course is that it is designed to help us make connections at a global level and to become as involved as we want to be.  My vulnerabilities are becoming more apparent as I process my reactions to this course.

I am not sure how I will continue to process feeling like a small duck on a big pond, but I do know that I can't let this opportunity pass me by:  I need to not only allow myself to be vulnerable in this class, but I also need to learn how to make learning connections at a global level.  I have nothing to be afraid of or ashamed by in my learning process.  I actually should find courage in how I am letting growth into my life.  

Regardless of how I end up feeling about e-learning and/or digital cultures, I will say this:

I am not insignificant.  And being part of a global community does not mean that my voice is unimportant.  In fact, I would argue that it is even more imperative for me to find my voice in this world.  (I'm not sure why, but I would guess that by empowering myself, I could better help others find their place in this world...just a guess, though.)


On a totally unrelated note...We had a snow day this week.  I didn't know until that day how much I needed a day off - mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I obviously haven't been paying attention to my body, and I need to do a better job with that.

"Working Hard to Stay Small"

Phenomenal.  I heard that quote in a TED Talk by Brene Brown today.  How often do I work hard to stay small, to stay unnoticed, to hide behind my actions or those around me?  What is it about myself that makes me think I don't deserve to be seen or heard or valued?


I am floored by how Dr. Brown discusses vulnerability and shame.  Her research started with shame, but moved towards vulnerability when she discovered that vulnerability is necessary for whole-hearted living.  (And who doesn't want to be fully engaged in their own life?!)  Vulnerability is not weakness, she states, but rather "vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage."  


How does my own shame hold me back from being courageous?  (Dr. Brown describes shame as feelings of "I am bad" and guilt as feelings of "I did something bad.")  I don't even know the answer to that question, but I know that I am held back.  So how do I address this in my life?

1. I will find value in who I am daily.  It will not always be profound, but I will purposefully identify a character trait in myself that has value.
2. I will not perform habitual behaviors, just because they are a part of my life.  Now, this one will take awhile, as I will need to discover which behaviors are merely habits, but I need to make sure my behaviors are choices and not just reactions.
3. I will stop doing the things in my life that make me feel bad about myself.  (This may tie directly to #2.) For me, eating is directly tied to self-worth, and I need to separate these in my own life.
4. I will try new things or even try things with a new perspective - choosing instead to let go of past experiences.
5. I will surround myself with a group that will help me by praying for and encouraging me to see myself the way they see me.

I realize this list is not finished, but it's a fabulous beginning.  I should not hide anymore or make myself small.  I have value...and so do you.

My Hands Make Horrible Fists

There is a brilliant snowstorm going on outside my window right now.  I am reminded of seeing people try to walk in storms, trying to bundle themselves in...it almost looks like they are trying to collapse in on themselves.  


I have felt this before.  The need to hunch over, to pull everything in tight, to hold on for dear life.  There is something about becoming smaller that makes me feel safe, but this is just a figment of my imagination.  Safety does not come from size.  Safety is not determined by posture or position. Safety is an attitude...it's preparation...it's honesty.


I watched a remarkable TED Talk today by Sarah Kay about spoken poetry.  Being the math person I am, I keyed in on a specific equation she shared:


ABILITY + COURAGE = REWARDS


She talked about how she is trying to walk through life with open hands, ready and willing to experience life.  Some people would say this isn't safe...but she didn't say she wasn't aware of her surroundings, or that she wasn't prepared to take care of herself if necessary.  Her safety comes from being confident in her ability and knowledge of herself.  The juxtaposition of courage with the idea of safety is what makes the rewards so remarkable.  Big rewards come from big opportunities.  (One of my favorite scenes from the movie Miracle.)


Sarah outlines three statements you need to say when approaching your life.  They are so universal and applicable that we all need to be reminded of them:
1.  "I can."
2.  "I will."
3.  These steps never end...I need to grow, explore, take risks and challenge myself.


Sarah ended her TED talk by saying, "I'm trying my hardest to get it right this time around."  


Is your life spent in the moment, trying to do life right?  Are you planning on success or are you accepting failure?  What is your attitude - Can you?  Will you?  


I have changed the way I pray in a lot of different ways.  One of the most impacting has been to not close/clasp my hands.  I try to keep my hands open, and have even begun opening my arms as well.  I want to be open, to be able to embrace what life and God has for me.