Feeling Insignificant...And a Snow Day

There are so many times in life where it is easy to feel insignificant.  It really doesn't take a specific setting for this to happen, although - for me - there are some key ingredients:

• Being alone in a large group
• Not being listened to or heard
• Only being seen by what is on the outside
• Feeling inferior in any way
• Other ways that are recognizable but hard to explain

Usually, feelings of insignificance come when I am around a group of people with a trait or ability I admire but do not have.  Sometimes, I may have those qualities, but not at what I would consider an admirable level.

Take, for instance, an experience I've had this past week...I recently joined a free online college course at Coursera.  The class is E-Learning and Digital Cultures at the University of Edinburgh.  There are over 40,000 people registered for this course.  We have a designated course website, but we are invited to interact on all social media outlets a course hashtag.  I have been following course interaction on twitter, and I am overwhelmed by the thoughts and sheer volume of tweets that this course is generating.  In the course of a week, I have gone from feeling like I am on the cusp of learning by taking an online course to feeling like I have no fresh ideas...and to feeling insignificant.  The irony of feeling insignificant in this course is that it is designed to help us make connections at a global level and to become as involved as we want to be.  My vulnerabilities are becoming more apparent as I process my reactions to this course.

I am not sure how I will continue to process feeling like a small duck on a big pond, but I do know that I can't let this opportunity pass me by:  I need to not only allow myself to be vulnerable in this class, but I also need to learn how to make learning connections at a global level.  I have nothing to be afraid of or ashamed by in my learning process.  I actually should find courage in how I am letting growth into my life.  

Regardless of how I end up feeling about e-learning and/or digital cultures, I will say this:

I am not insignificant.  And being part of a global community does not mean that my voice is unimportant.  In fact, I would argue that it is even more imperative for me to find my voice in this world.  (I'm not sure why, but I would guess that by empowering myself, I could better help others find their place in this world...just a guess, though.)


On a totally unrelated note...We had a snow day this week.  I didn't know until that day how much I needed a day off - mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I obviously haven't been paying attention to my body, and I need to do a better job with that.

"Working Hard to Stay Small"

Phenomenal.  I heard that quote in a TED Talk by Brene Brown today.  How often do I work hard to stay small, to stay unnoticed, to hide behind my actions or those around me?  What is it about myself that makes me think I don't deserve to be seen or heard or valued?


I am floored by how Dr. Brown discusses vulnerability and shame.  Her research started with shame, but moved towards vulnerability when she discovered that vulnerability is necessary for whole-hearted living.  (And who doesn't want to be fully engaged in their own life?!)  Vulnerability is not weakness, she states, but rather "vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage."  


How does my own shame hold me back from being courageous?  (Dr. Brown describes shame as feelings of "I am bad" and guilt as feelings of "I did something bad.")  I don't even know the answer to that question, but I know that I am held back.  So how do I address this in my life?

1. I will find value in who I am daily.  It will not always be profound, but I will purposefully identify a character trait in myself that has value.
2. I will not perform habitual behaviors, just because they are a part of my life.  Now, this one will take awhile, as I will need to discover which behaviors are merely habits, but I need to make sure my behaviors are choices and not just reactions.
3. I will stop doing the things in my life that make me feel bad about myself.  (This may tie directly to #2.) For me, eating is directly tied to self-worth, and I need to separate these in my own life.
4. I will try new things or even try things with a new perspective - choosing instead to let go of past experiences.
5. I will surround myself with a group that will help me by praying for and encouraging me to see myself the way they see me.

I realize this list is not finished, but it's a fabulous beginning.  I should not hide anymore or make myself small.  I have value...and so do you.

A New Generation of Bad Words

I had to laugh in church last Sunday.  The phrase "shut up" was used twice - once during the sermon and once during the children's Christmas program, with the second also involving the phrase "I hate you!"  As I looked around the church service, there were kids with eyes open wide as our pastor said words that their moms and dads would not let them say.  I've also had to start working on my use of the phrase "Oh my gosh."  Now, I have really worked on this over the years to replace "God" with gosh...only to be told over a trip this fall that I am not to use this phrase in front of my niece; instead, I need to say "Oh my goodness."   It has me thinking of words that are considered bad...


I think there is a time and a place for the use of most words.  I also think words have become tools or weapons in our society, especially expletives.  I am of the opinion that too many words are spoken without being considered beforehand.  The words that have been on my mind lately are not swear words, although I think they are worse in context.

Should.  Shame.  Fear.  

These may be the three of the worst words I know, and I think they play a large role in the identity of young women.


Should
We spend a lot of time "should-ing" on ourselves.  And the results are just as dirty as they sound: living in the past, living underneath the responsibility of someone else, living with regret.  When the word should enters our lives, we cease to live in the present moment:  We talk about what decisions we should have made.  We talk about the choices we should make.  We spend our time focusing on putting ourselves down for choices we can not change.  We spend our time purposefully making ourselves feel like failures.  We deny ourselves the opportunity to be responsible individuals by judging ourselves by our behavior and by what others deem acceptable.  Should has become not just a word, but a way of life - an emotionally-charged way to view oneself.


Shame
Likewise, shame is a word that captures more emotional baggage than most others.  When I think of the word "shame", I'm struck by the vision of someone sliding their index finger across a pointed index finger while saying the words "Shame on you."  I instinctively feel 2-feet tall and weak..  Shame is a set of luggage that a person carries with them.  And like current airline policies, there is a hefty price to pay when it comes to shameful baggage.  Why do we use this word?  Why do we embrace this feeling?  Despite having lived a large portion of my life feeling like I was blanketed in shame, I don't have the answers to those questions.  What I do know is that learning to like who I am and the choices I am making has changed my life.  Getting rid of the should allowed me to get rid of the shame.


Fear
Getting rid of the fear came next.  Fear is not always a bad word.  In fact, having some fear can help you to make good choices.  But fear within the context of identity can lead to a true crisis.  Does fear in your life keep you from moving forward?  Does fear keep you from letting go of your past?  Does fear keep you from discovering who you were meant to be?  I was afraid for a very long time: afraid to make mistakes, afraid of letting someone down, afraid to be who I really was.  Being ruled by fear is tiring and defeating.  Breaking free can be scary (so different from fear!) - but it is well worth the rewards.


It is important to identify the bad words in our lives, so that we can acknowledge their role and let them go.  Finding your identity - truly seeing yourself in the better mirror - does not mean ignoring what has happened.  Instead, it involves making a choice for something different - for you.  How long has it been since you made a choice based on what YOU thought was best for you?


I watched an awesome TED talk by Brene Brown, and she made a brilliant point:  "I know that vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it is also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love..."  This should give us all hope - because when we let go of the bad, there is always something good we can grab onto.


2 Timothy 1:7 - For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.