A Different Perspective

I am fully convinced that we can be our own worst enemies.  For years, I was so conscious of how I treated other people - always making sure to be nice and gracious, to give compliments and avoid judgments (out loud, at least).  I purposefully worked to make others feel good about themselves.  All the while, I was doing the exact opposite to myself.  In fact, if someone treated me this way, I was immediately suspicious or ignorant of their comments.  Where did this come from?  Why is it so hard to believe good things about ourselves?  Who taught us that taking a compliment is wrong...or conceited?


I recently read some research from Act for Youth about adolescents and self-esteem.  I am wrestling with the information - not because I don't believe that there are self-esteem issues for teens, but because I don't know if I agree with a conclusion they drew:  "Adolescents will feel better about themselves if they experience success in domains they care about and are praised for that success by people they respect."  What defines success?  Is this only done by doing something?  


One often hears the phrase "A woman who wears many hats."  I think this mentality starts at an early age.  In high school, I was my mother's daughter, nana's granddaughter, brother's sister, the athlete, the math nerd, the church girl, etc...Every one of my favorite places gave me a new title/hat, and in each situation, I became a somewhat different person.  Each hat came with different responsibilities, and I defined success as meeting them.  But along with those responsibilities came judgments and comparisons (mostly by me).  So while I was successful, I often felt worthless if I didn't achieve. And I felt lost without a hat on to assign me a certain value. 


What would happen if we threw away all of our hats?  How would we be different if we saw value outside (instead) of success?  What would happen if we were as conscious of being good to ourselves as we are of treating others well?  How would we change if every time we shared a kind word with someone else, we thought a compliment about ourselves?  Would we see ourselves with more value if we took a moment to look at ourselves without the lens of judgment, comparison, or results?


Seeing myself has changed my world...well, rocked my world is more accurate. I am able to appreciate the things I bring to the table and am ok with mistakes I make in the process.  Success doesn't define me because I have already determined that I am valuable.  In contrast, I also see others in a better light, as I am no longer comparing myself.  I don't need them to be a certain person to help define me.  I see who they are for their true person.  It is amazing how my relationships have changed over the past three years; they are so much more healthy and rewarding.


That's been one of the unexpected rewards of seeing myself in a better mirror: Once I saw the difference, I wanted everyone to experience the joy and freedom and weightlessness of expectation and judgment.  I want others to be able to look in the mirror and see their true selves.