Success vs. Failure

The irony is not lost on me that I am writing a post on success/failure after a very long absence from my blog.  In fact, I am struggling not to giggle...a very freeing response.  Let me tell you why...

I was recently asked to make a list of successes and failures - in essence to define success and failure - with particular emphasis on my own personal successes and failures.  I had 2 weeks to complete this "assignment".  

The first week was fraught with tension, an inner struggle hellbent on not wanting to define failure but also determined not to fail this task.  There was a whole lot of ignoring the reality (during the second week) that this activity could - and, in my case, most definitely would - have immediate implications in how I chose to view myself, interact with myself, define myself...

Last night was my due date.  And I had firmly blocked everything out of my mind until I came face-to-face with my "teacher", if you will...

(I am totally going to mix metaphors here, but this assignment and due date do create a sense of crossover.)  

I delivered.  Oh, boy, did I deliver.  And metaphorically, it was a 9 lb. 6 oz. gorgeous baby.  (That was my birth weight, by the way.  I owe my mom a whole lot, I know.)  Anyways, I had this gorgeous epiphany that I shall now share with you.

There is only one true and complete failure in (my) life...

The only true failure I could fathom is turning away from God.  Now walk with me for a moment, here.  There are a whole horde of things that I can fail at - and I have, in fact, had too many failed attempts to count.  But the truth, MY TRUTH - even more so, GOD'S TRUTH - is that every failed attempt, every sin, every bad thing is an opportunity for growth, for redemption, and for God's grace to take over.  

I have the opportunity to change with every failed attempt - with every mistake.  And make no mistake, there is freedom in that.  There is a beautiful freedom in knowing that no mistake can take you from the love of God.  In fact, God's love might even propel you into growing from that experience.  

Growth is not easy.  Those awkward teenage years are proof of that.  Heck, my twenties and early thirties are proof of that.  But growth is necessary; it is rewarding; and it is responsive - a true response to God's freedom, love, and grace.

So, as I'm discussing all of this with my teacher, I continued to deliver...I am not a failure.  I may make failed attempts, but they don't define me.  I am not a failure.  I might feel like a failure, but those feelings don't define me, either.  In fact, I need to process all those mistakes and emotions (anger, grief, shame, embarrassment) to grow.  (Just like I need to process the feelings of success - happy, proud, excited.)  But I myself am not anger.  I am not embarrassment.  I am not shame.  (Nor am I happy.  Or pride.  Or excitement.)  I am free to make mistakes and grow.

So back to my earlier giggles...The freedom to laugh at failing at my attempts to blog regularly is growth.  5 years ago - 2 years ago, even - I would have seen myself as a failure.  And THAT is a true success.

Gift-wrapping

I love wrapping presents, but I am not very good at it.  I do not like when the paper doesn't lay flat and tight to the package, and I have become convinced that I am not using the right quality of wrapping paper.  I have 2 aunts who wrap packages most beautifully...to the point that the packages themselves are works of art.  (It's no wonder my Nana used to take so long unwrapping presents at Christmas!!)  My presents do not look like that - even when I use gift bags!

On Monday, I was having a conversation about how I am a gift (as is each person) whose value is not determined by the person who receives the present.  You see, I can see myself as a gift in the company of certain people - because they value me like a gift.  But there are others who I have a hard time feeling valuable around...am I still a gift then?  

The answer to that question is yes.  My value is not determined by others (or a number as I discussed in my previous post) or by what I do.  I am a gift because I am intentional, personal, thoughtful, and so much more.  I am a gift whether I choose to use those attributes in certain settings or not.  (I can be present without being a gift...I am LOVING that play on words.)  

Now, even as I'm typing this entry, I am struggling with the words.  I get that I have value and am a gift no matter who I am with or where I am.  But...I get that more theoretically than I do practically.  It's hard to embrace that reality in the midst of a situation where you don't feel valuable.  

Now back to the conversation on Monday...the person I was talking to said that there are specific situations you can't help what mirror you see your reflection in - like when you are a child growing up:  Your family is the best way to see your reflection, and the values and priorities that are emphasized are seen when you look at yourself.  Then, she went on to say (I kid you not!)...

As you get older, you have to figure out what mirror you are going to look in to see yourself.  Sometimes the mirrors we are around most often do not accurately reflect back to us who we are, what we value, and where, in fact, our value lies.  When we find ourselves in those situations, you have to find a better mirror.

A Better Mirror.  This was said by someone who does not know I write this blog.  And that is how I know I am on the right path in life.  I am talking with and putting myself in situations where I am being encouraged to find a way to see my true reflection:  A Better Mirror.

So, when I think of myself as a gift, and I'm not happy with how I'm gift-wrapped or how the edges aren't crisp or the decorations aren't perfect, I need to remember that I can choose to find a different way of looking at myself...I need to search out the mirror that truly reflects who I am.   

Letting Go of Numbers

I am a pretty mathematical thinker.  I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I have a pretty strong math lineage - my mom was a math teacher, and my dad was an engineer.  I grew up "seeing" math everywhere, and to this day, I find it difficult to not try to point it out to everyone! I love looking at life for patterns and looking at patterns for life!  I take dates and try to make math problems out of them.  I enjoy numbers, and thinking about them has been a way of life for me.

With that being said, I have a serious problem with numbers.  

Yesterday, I stood in front of my mirror, and I had what I think is a profound, and potentially life-changing thought...at least, for me.  Before I get there, let me throw out some significant numbers:

0
0
35
68
??? (Doesn't really matter what the actual number is...)
*** (Just pretend you know...or insert your own here...)

Now, back to my profound and life-changing thought.  It was one of those that just popped in my head without any lead-in...one that I haven't been able to stop thinking about since yesterday.  Are you ready?

I am not defined by any number.  Or rather, my value cannot be determined by a number.

Seriously?  Where did that come from?  I was literally looking at myself in the mirror when I had that thought.  And I don't think that was a coincidence.

As I tried to explain before, my mind looks for the logic and pattern in life by searching out numbers.  I like to be able to wrap my head around concepts by quantifying them or finding similarities and patterns...or even through problem solving - looking for a solution!  I love math and how it affects life.

Realizing yesterday that I was trying to find my own value through mathematical logic has shaken up my world. I cannot be defined by these numbers:


0 - How many times I've been married, and consequently, the number of years I've been married
0 - The number of children I have 
35 - My age
68 - My height
??? (Doesn't really matter what the actual number is...) - My IQ
*** (Just pretend you know...or insert your own here...) - My weight
Or any other numeric category I can put myself in...

If not numbers, however, then what?  (Did you see that "If, then" statement there...still thinking mathematically?!)  How do I shift my paradigm and see myself differently?  

As I continue to process how to determine my value, I am able to separate some thoughts.  First, my value is not based on what I do.  I cannot achieve or diminish my value by the choices I make.  I do, however, want my choices to reflect not only my value, but what I value.  Second, my value cannot be assigned to me by another.  If this were the case, my value would probably rise and fall like a volatile stock price.  Third, I know without a doubt that I have God-given value, but I don't want to take that as a stock answer or take it for granted:  I want to understand the value God has given me.  Finally, I am nowhere near done with this process.  My mind was kind of blown away by all of this yesterday, and I feel like I'm just waking up from a deep sleep...

The irony that I had this thought while looking in a mirror is not lost on me as I write this blog.  FINALLY, the mirror I own is becoming a better one.  Or maybe the user is just figuring out how to correctly see things in it.

No Explanation is Good Enough

I fell down about a month ago.  I was standing in the aisle of my church, talking with some friends, and then I wasn't standing anymore.  (It really is that simple of an explanation...I could tell you I shifted my weight, rolled my ankle back and forth and then fell, but the details don't change the fact that I was standing, and then I wasn't.)  I was quickly surrounded by friends way better than I deserve...who I pretty much tried to get to leave, but who instead stayed and gave me the support I was fighting (but desperately needed!).

I am still thoroughly embarrassed at the amount of attention my fall garnered, but I am also embarrassed by my reaction. Hi, my name is Eden...I do not know how to accept help.  I grew up a people pleaser, often finding a way to take care of others without them necessarily needing help.  I was quick to shift focus and attention on others.  I don't know if I ever learned how to receive someone else's good intentions.

I'm fairly certain that there is not a good explanation for my unwillingness to accept help - or rather, my need to fight accepting help before I finally acquiesce.  I completely understand that I cannot do everything myself.  And while I'm sure pride plays it's part, I'm not convinced that it runs the show.  I think accepting help (or not accepting help, in my case) is more indicative of my feelings about my own self-worth.  In true "Better Mirror" fashion, I can't stop thinking about that reflection:  When I truly look at myself, am I a person who deserves help and support when needed?  

Like I mentioned before, I eventually accepted the help of one of my closest friends after I had fallen.  She knows my struggles with self-esteem and knows that I often see myself as a burden on others if I can't take care of myself.  She took charge of the situation and didn't ask me if I needed anything...she saw me as a person worthy of love, care, and support and gave it to me willingly.  As embarrassed as I was, I eventually stopped fighting the help and said a simple "thank you."  

It has me once again considering who I see when I look in a mirror.  Am I a person worthy of love, care, and support?  Do I deserve good things?  Do I deserve people in my life who want to be there themselves (and not just who I want to be there...)?  

Of course the answer is yes!  But I can't help but wonder when I will start to see myself that way...      

Feeling Insignificant...And a Snow Day

There are so many times in life where it is easy to feel insignificant.  It really doesn't take a specific setting for this to happen, although - for me - there are some key ingredients:

• Being alone in a large group
• Not being listened to or heard
• Only being seen by what is on the outside
• Feeling inferior in any way
• Other ways that are recognizable but hard to explain

Usually, feelings of insignificance come when I am around a group of people with a trait or ability I admire but do not have.  Sometimes, I may have those qualities, but not at what I would consider an admirable level.

Take, for instance, an experience I've had this past week...I recently joined a free online college course at Coursera.  The class is E-Learning and Digital Cultures at the University of Edinburgh.  There are over 40,000 people registered for this course.  We have a designated course website, but we are invited to interact on all social media outlets a course hashtag.  I have been following course interaction on twitter, and I am overwhelmed by the thoughts and sheer volume of tweets that this course is generating.  In the course of a week, I have gone from feeling like I am on the cusp of learning by taking an online course to feeling like I have no fresh ideas...and to feeling insignificant.  The irony of feeling insignificant in this course is that it is designed to help us make connections at a global level and to become as involved as we want to be.  My vulnerabilities are becoming more apparent as I process my reactions to this course.

I am not sure how I will continue to process feeling like a small duck on a big pond, but I do know that I can't let this opportunity pass me by:  I need to not only allow myself to be vulnerable in this class, but I also need to learn how to make learning connections at a global level.  I have nothing to be afraid of or ashamed by in my learning process.  I actually should find courage in how I am letting growth into my life.  

Regardless of how I end up feeling about e-learning and/or digital cultures, I will say this:

I am not insignificant.  And being part of a global community does not mean that my voice is unimportant.  In fact, I would argue that it is even more imperative for me to find my voice in this world.  (I'm not sure why, but I would guess that by empowering myself, I could better help others find their place in this world...just a guess, though.)


On a totally unrelated note...We had a snow day this week.  I didn't know until that day how much I needed a day off - mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I obviously haven't been paying attention to my body, and I need to do a better job with that.

The Importance of Friends

I had a text conversation with two of my best friends over lunch today.  And yesterday.  And possibly the day before.  Today, we were talking about a book we are all reading.  I was laughing and smiling each time my text music played.  Sometimes, I am surprised by the texts; other times, I am giggling that we know each other so well.  

There are so many cliches about friendship, and I think they are there to prove a point:

We need friends in our lives.  (And sometimes we have a hard time expressing what they mean to us without invoking the emotions of that old Folgers commercial where Peter comes home for Christmas and surprises his mom by making her coffee.)

This same group of gals that I was texting and I have a bible study that meets weekly at Starbucks.  We started meeting regularly over 6 years ago...But it wasn't automatic...and it wasn't easy.

It was necessary.  I had just moved back to Nebraska after living in Minnesota for 6 years.  I adored (and still do!) my friends there, and many were in the same situations as I was in, but I felt God calling me home.  I really didn't have any close friends in Nebraska anymore, and I was not looking forward to being lonely.  So I started looking for people who I wanted to be like and who I thought would make me a better person.  Then, I awkwardly asked them if they wanted to be in a bible study with me.  We started to meet, and I know those first few months were not smooth, but they happened.  Over the next few months, we developed a pattern.  Even more importantly, however, we built trust and friendship.  We found out who the others were and looked to support each other in tangible ways.  

As time has passed, we have each commented on how much we needed this in our lives.  Each of us had been praying for a group of friends, and God figured out a way to bring us together.  We thank God regularly for answering those prayers.

I was originally going to write about how we need to be good friends to ourselves - and we do! - but often that is not enough.  We need to have people around us who make us better...who challenge us...who hold us accountable...who hold us when we can't find strength...who we can be around with no expectations.  We need that group of friends who knows us and loves us anyways.  

I have been blessed with fabulous friends.  And I look forward to the next round of texts and lattes and whatever else comes our way!

Dead Fish in a Messy Room

I gave a speech in 7th grade detailing the true story from my past.  (The speech required the use of a sign/prop, and I created my own using cotton balls.  I got teased about that even through high school...)  Ordinarily, cleaning a messy room would not result in speech class inspiration, but this was no ordinary chore...

I was in third grade, and my mom and dad gave me a fish tank for Easter.  (See - it's already a great story!)  My brother - big spender that he was - gave me 8 fish for my tank.  By the end of that month, or maybe the next, I was done being a pet owner.  I did not like the fish or having to clean the tank.  At this point, I must admit that I wanted the fish to die...not my proudest moment.  Luckily, the fish did not feel unwanted, for they seemed to live forever.  A few months later, after several fish had died, I noticed one of the fish was missing.  I came up with all sorts of scenarios for how the fish disappeared: The fish had died, and my parents removed it without my knowing; one of the remaining fish had eaten the missing fish; or perhaps the fish had been sucked into the filter.  Whatever the cause, it remained a mystery to me.  

Flash forward:  A couple weeks later, I was cleaning my room...Now, it's important to note here that I had a very wonderful system for cleaning my room:  I would push the debris into equal-sized, evenly-spaced piles on the floor of my room, and I would sit down and go through the piles, creating more sub-piles to put away.  (Apparently, I had a very messy room!)  So, after the pile-making, I sat down to go through one when I noticed that I had sat on something.  I stood up and brushed off my behind, sending something fuzzy across the room.  I went over to see what it was, and I ran out of my room shouting.  In case you haven't figured it out, I had sat on my dead, moldy/fuzzy fish.  Remember that it had been a couple of weeks since the fish disappeared.  (Now you see where the cotton in my speech came from:  I drew a fish and glued the cotton over the body, so only the head and tail were visible.)  I'm still not sure if the fish jumped out of the tank or what, but this story has stuck with me for a long time...

Over the past couple weeks, I have been remembering this story quite often.  There are times when I am cleaning my home that feel like I am just making a bigger mess.  It could be my method (see above), but I often feel like things get messier before they can be clean.  

This is how I feel mentally and emotionally right now.  I know I am not at my best in any aspect of my life, but I feel like I am going through a spring cleaning - emotionally, mentally, and physically, perhaps even spiritually.  I have every hope and confidence that I will end up on the brighter side of life, with my heart, body and soul more in tact and healthy than before.  To get to that point, however, I feel like my heart and soul are in piles across the floor.  

At times, I have not wanted to approach these piles.  Wouldn't it just be easier to leave things messy than to put them in their proper place?  But I have done enough "surface cleaning" in my life...If I truly want to get rid of the mess, I have to get dirty and go through the piles.

I just have to be on the lookout for the hidden fish on the floor...