"Working Hard to Stay Small"

Phenomenal.  I heard that quote in a TED Talk by Brene Brown today.  How often do I work hard to stay small, to stay unnoticed, to hide behind my actions or those around me?  What is it about myself that makes me think I don't deserve to be seen or heard or valued?


I am floored by how Dr. Brown discusses vulnerability and shame.  Her research started with shame, but moved towards vulnerability when she discovered that vulnerability is necessary for whole-hearted living.  (And who doesn't want to be fully engaged in their own life?!)  Vulnerability is not weakness, she states, but rather "vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage."  


How does my own shame hold me back from being courageous?  (Dr. Brown describes shame as feelings of "I am bad" and guilt as feelings of "I did something bad.")  I don't even know the answer to that question, but I know that I am held back.  So how do I address this in my life?

1. I will find value in who I am daily.  It will not always be profound, but I will purposefully identify a character trait in myself that has value.
2. I will not perform habitual behaviors, just because they are a part of my life.  Now, this one will take awhile, as I will need to discover which behaviors are merely habits, but I need to make sure my behaviors are choices and not just reactions.
3. I will stop doing the things in my life that make me feel bad about myself.  (This may tie directly to #2.) For me, eating is directly tied to self-worth, and I need to separate these in my own life.
4. I will try new things or even try things with a new perspective - choosing instead to let go of past experiences.
5. I will surround myself with a group that will help me by praying for and encouraging me to see myself the way they see me.

I realize this list is not finished, but it's a fabulous beginning.  I should not hide anymore or make myself small.  I have value...and so do you.

March Madness

This is one of my favorite times of the year...March Madness.  I love pretty much everything that comes with the NCAA Tournament.  However, it does bring out part of my bad side:  My competitive nature and my extreme dislike for losing and/or being wrong.


As the games start this week, I have been reminded of these aspects of my life and the negativity they bring into my life...and it has me thinking about how these attitudes affect other areas of my life (besides sports).


I think as young women, we are encouraged to be competitive, but almost in a manipulative, passive-aggressive way.  We learn so early to look at pictures of others and see the areas that we need to improve, and then point out the areas that they need to improve.  We learn how to give a back-handed compliment that has a biting judgment to it.  But this competitiveness does not accomplish much more than injuring all parties involved, whether known or not.  In fact, this competitiveness can develop into an aptitude for judgment.  It can also transform itself into a pit of feelings of inadequacy.


This is where I feel I have spent the majority of my life.  My competitive drive to win has always left me with a fear of losing or being wrong.  I developed a habit of quitting before that could ever be a possibility.  My battle with weight is the perfect example of this.  I have, like so many others, gained and lost weight at least a dozen times...but I never get to my goal because my fear of not reaching it is bigger than my need to accomplish it.  So I quit.  I have quit a lot of things in my life.  I am not proud of any of these moments, nor am I proud of this tendency in my character.  Learning to move beyond the fear is trying and difficult and some days, near impossible.


This is my own madness...I only wish it was March Madness!  I am at times so consumed with the desire to win that I say and/or do things that I later excuse as competitiveness.  I push and focus and drive towards my goal...then, just when it's in sight, I feel like I pull the emergency brake.  It's like I don't even test the regular breaks...I just panic...and assume the worst.  


So now I am left to wonder:  Would I be better suited for success if I stopped competing?  (Who am I even competing against?)  How would this change my life?  Would I slow down and enjoy the process?  Could I stop looking ahead and live in the present - moment by moment?  Despite the anxiety this initially brings into the forefront of my mind, I am aware of the promise of peace.


And who doesn't want peace in their lives?

I've Got Love on the Brain...

"Love is all you need..." ~ The Beatles


"Might as well face it, you're addicted to love..." ~ Robert Palmer


Love songs are pouring through my mind right now...There are so many love songs that speak of joy, hurt, experiences, and more.  I remember sitting around with my friends in junior high playing songs on repeat (Oh, the joy of CDs!) and talking about boys.  I remember singing songs in the car in high school with my friends, imagining what my first great love was going to be like.


Love has been on my mind recently...not because I'm in love or because I'm not in love, for that matter.  Honestly, I've been questioning how much I truly love myself, and whether I would equate that - or even compare that - to how much I love others.  I've spoken pretty openly about how important it is to take care of yourself, and over the past couple months, I have been struggling to do just that.  So in my non-stop pursuit of becoming healthier, I have run right into the wall of love.  Continuing this metaphor, I have run up and down the wall, trying to find a way to go around it.  I have looked to see if I could climb the wall, thus bypassing the topic as well.  It seems as though what is behind the wall of love is protected, and I must figure out how to open the door.  So I am trying to figure out if all this effort is worth it.


Have you been here?  Have you come up to a roadblock and had to determine if it was worth your efforts to push through the pain, the learning, the experience to get beyond?  What do you do if you're not sure what exactly there is on the other side???  


So, all these questions are rolling through my brain as I try to figure out how to first, find the door.  Then, when I do stumble upon a camouflaged door, I have to figure out how to open it, for I don't have a key...in fact, there is no keyhole.  So how do I get in?  How do I get through this?  How do I get through this?


And that is the desperate question that has finally given me some hope.  Because I have finally been honest in my search.  I am not trying to ignore the wall.  I am not trying to bypass this part of my life.  I am truly looking for the answer.

My Hands Make Horrible Fists

There is a brilliant snowstorm going on outside my window right now.  I am reminded of seeing people try to walk in storms, trying to bundle themselves in...it almost looks like they are trying to collapse in on themselves.  


I have felt this before.  The need to hunch over, to pull everything in tight, to hold on for dear life.  There is something about becoming smaller that makes me feel safe, but this is just a figment of my imagination.  Safety does not come from size.  Safety is not determined by posture or position. Safety is an attitude...it's preparation...it's honesty.


I watched a remarkable TED Talk today by Sarah Kay about spoken poetry.  Being the math person I am, I keyed in on a specific equation she shared:


ABILITY + COURAGE = REWARDS


She talked about how she is trying to walk through life with open hands, ready and willing to experience life.  Some people would say this isn't safe...but she didn't say she wasn't aware of her surroundings, or that she wasn't prepared to take care of herself if necessary.  Her safety comes from being confident in her ability and knowledge of herself.  The juxtaposition of courage with the idea of safety is what makes the rewards so remarkable.  Big rewards come from big opportunities.  (One of my favorite scenes from the movie Miracle.)


Sarah outlines three statements you need to say when approaching your life.  They are so universal and applicable that we all need to be reminded of them:
1.  "I can."
2.  "I will."
3.  These steps never end...I need to grow, explore, take risks and challenge myself.


Sarah ended her TED talk by saying, "I'm trying my hardest to get it right this time around."  


Is your life spent in the moment, trying to do life right?  Are you planning on success or are you accepting failure?  What is your attitude - Can you?  Will you?  


I have changed the way I pray in a lot of different ways.  One of the most impacting has been to not close/clasp my hands.  I try to keep my hands open, and have even begun opening my arms as well.  I want to be open, to be able to embrace what life and God has for me. 

I Hate Making Choices When I'm Tired

Oh, dear.  Just typing the title of this entry has my mind spinning in one hundred different directions.  This has been one of those weeks where every minute has been scheduled, but very few minutes have been planned.  It was one of those weeks where my job was to take care of everyone else - to ensure their comfort and their flow.  I truly love this part of my job, but it definitely has an effect on me.  In any given month, we may have a handful of days that are chock full of events and people.  This week, every day was bursting at the seams.  It was exciting and energizing.  I, however, was not...


Over the last couple years, I have noticed that there are certain times when it is more difficult to make the choice to take care of myself.  More often than not, I do not make myself a priority when I am tired - mentally, physically, and/or emotionally.  If I am socially exhausted, too (since I am an introvert), this becomes even more complicated.  I could offer several different excuses, but it comes down to falling back into old habits.  Why does this continue to happen?  Why do these days pass, and then I think about the plans that I could have made that would have given me the edge I needed to get through the days?


I think the biggest difference for me is whether I am present in the task at hand.  Let me explain:  I am always physically present wherever I am.  But I have to choose to be mentally present - not thinking ahead, not remembering a past moment.  Likewise, I have to choose to be emotionally and spiritually present - recognizing any/all feelings as they come (even the difficult or mundane ones), acknowledging that these feelings are valid, allowing myself to feel the emotions.  Presence is so much more than physical, and it seems to take more time than I have.  Ironically, I have to plan ahead to make certain choices, so that when I am faced with last-minute habit-breaking/forming challenges, I can recognize the choice I want to make, instead of breezing through and not allowing myself the opportunity to take care of myself.


When I am tired, I often ignore the choices I have to make that would allow me to take care of myself and seem to go with whatever is there...I am reminded of my mom, dad, nana, etc. saying to me that the easiest choice is not always the right choice.  


Perhaps my favorite TED Talk to date is this short clip by Matt Cutts.  I chuckled at his becoming a novelist in 30 days, but I am convicted by the power of time.  I was moved by his discussion of how time seemed to slow when he was living his life with purpose.  I want to feel that power and purpose in my life.  


Maybe I don't hate making choices when I'm tired...maybe I hate that I don't make choices when I'm tired...

My Life...The Junk Drawer

I was talking with one of my co-workers last week, and I made the comment that my life feels like a junk drawer...You know that drawer - the one that has odds and ends thrown into it, that never has an organizational scheme, the one that has hidden treasures or forgotten items...That is how my life has been feeling.


So I have spent some time thinking about it and why it feels that way; one of the first thoughts I had was that I wish life had a Container Store that had boxes and baskets of every size, shape, and color to organize everything that's going on.  (On a side note, I remember my first trip into the Container Store...my friend and I bought these tiny blue boxes that could only hold 3 M&Ms.  Fabulous!)  Anyways, the need to organize my life sent me on a different path...What do I need in my life?


What do I need in my life?


In response to this question, I truly began sifting through my thoughts - both the "junk" thoughts and the "not-so-junk" thoughts.  Then I began looking at my life:  What was causing this rift between thoughts?  How was I breaking them down into categories?  What was affecting how I was processing life and its events?  Needless to say, I felt like I was digging furiously through the draw in search of a key.  


The result says more about who I am than I could ever have imagined.  


For the last month, there have been several events that have caused me to wonder where I would be living after this summer - in terms of both the address and the city location...Now this is not something I take lightly.  I am a homebody at heart and would spend the majority of my time at home, if I could.  It is a safe place for me to explore and rest and regenerate for time outside my home.  I need a door that closes that makes me feel safe - not only physically, but especially emotionally.  Worrying about where I was going to live has occupied a large amount of my time since the turn of the calendar to 2012.  After this weekend, I was able to establish some clarity in my living situation for the rest of the year.  Immediately, an emotional burden was lifted, and I felt safe.  I felt hope.  I felt peace.


In answer to the question of what I need in life...I need home.  I need safety.  I need a place for me.  This helps me feel whole; I am able to take care of myself when I feel I have a home.  (I bet you can guess that January was not my best month for taking care of myself...)  I am not sure why this is so important to me, although being an introvert has to play a huge part...But it makes me think of the instructions you are given on airlines:  Put your oxygen mask on before helping others who may need assistance.  For years and years, I fought these instructions.  I couldn't see the value in taking care of myself first.  Now that I have started embracing this practice, I can say with confidence that I am a better friend, daughter, co-worker, and person in general.


What do you need from life?  What will help you to put on your oxygen mask first, so that you can assist others later?  What will help you to realize your value and potential?  Start with one thing...for me it's home...and use that one thing to build your safety and to allow for you to explore and embrace your identity.  Because you are worth it...and we all have a safe place.

Being Thankful

If my life were a weather pattern, this would be one of those windy, cold, rainy weeks.  (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here...for me, it would actually be hot instead of cold.)  Driving would be crazy, as people neglected to use common sense while they were on the road.  There would be complaints heard in office buildings throughout the city.  You really wouldn't want to leave your house, choosing instead to seek comfort and warmth...and hiding.  So what are we to do when we face a week when everything seems to be going the wrong way, or life is weighing on us, causing us to trudge through the mud?


Jump in a puddle.


Find a way to embrace joy in the moment.  Do you remember being a child and putting on your boots and raincoat, just to go search out the puddles during a rainstorm?  Do you remember standing outside when it was snowing, trying to catch a snowflake on your tongue?  Are you willing to remember?  What could this look like in our everyday lives?


I want to share with you a nugget of wisdom I have learned over the past year.  It is amazing and can change your life, if you let it...but, man, is it difficult.


Be thankful.


Right there, in the middle of your rainy moment, give thanks for something.  For me, this can look several different ways, depending on the weight of the moment.  Sometimes I simply say, "God, I know I'm supposed to thank you for something right now, but I don't know what I can be thankful for...so thank you that you are there."  Other times, I can be specific:    "Thank you for a family that loves and accepts me."  "Thank you for snow that was unexpected."


Why are these moments of thankfulness so important?  Perspective.  I've mentioned it before, but a change in perspective can mean a change in your world.  I think about the moments when I am not thankful...if I stay in that moment and choose to look in the mirror at myself (whether physically or metaphorically), I almost never see the good in my life...I see the struggle I have with my weight; I see the ways I've failed my friends and family; I see the regrets and the shames of my past.  


I truly believe that our mirrors (both physical and metaphorical) are a true reflection of our perspectives and positions in our own lives.  When I grab on to something for which I am thankful, I return joy to my life.  I step out of the blackness and into the light of truth, which can reveal more than I ever expected.  Being thankful expands not only my field of vision, but it also gives me permission to not focus on myself.  Then, if I happen to see myself in the mirror, I don't stop and stare/wallow.  I don't even stop to judge myself...I am too busy living my life and finding joy.


Are you willing to stop and be thankful in all the moments of your life?