Defining Beauty

This week, I read a summary of research about self-image.  While I wasn't surprised by most of the information, there were a few things that stood out:

1. Teachers give higher evaluations to and have higher expectations of attractive children. [Interesting when you work in an educational setting!]
2. Standards of beauty are more difficult to attain: The current media ideal can be achieved by less than 5% of the population for just weight/size - if you include shape, face, etc., it's less than 1%.
3. Female dissatisfaction with appearance begins at a very early age. In an American survey, 81% of 10-year-old girls have already been on a diet at least once.  A Swedish survey found that 25% of 7-year-old girls had been on a diet.
4. By age 13, at least half of all girls are significantly unhappy with how they look.  By age 17, 80% do not like what they see in the mirror.
5. If you were teased as a child, your body image will be permanently damage.

I don't even know what to do with this information - other than desire change!  I have been processing the standard of beauty fact for the last few days.  I am not going to disagree that the women used in national campaigns are, for the most part, beautiful and unique.  But I would also use those words to describe the people closest to me.  My mom is one of the most beautiful people I know - and has been for as long as I've known her.  For a majority of that time, she would not have been defined as a mainstream beauty, but that did not stop her beauty from shining on the lives of those who know her.  My best friends would argue that they are not beautiful (and would probably be able to tell you the specifics of why they think they're not), but I have seen the effects of their beauty on all they have been in contact with.  Their beauty literally radiates out of their every pore.  So what makes them so beautiful?  That's easy...

Probably the same thing that makes you beautiful.  These women in my life have fabulous spirits.  They are all uniquely different, and thus - uniquely beautiful.  But gorgeous, they are.  Their smiles are infectious, as is their laughter.  Watching them with children gives me hope for the future...that those kids will know how much they are loved and will go on to spread the love to others.  Listening to them speak gives me more wisdom.  Being around them makes me a better person, and that is beautiful.  

I have come to define beauty in different ways.  There are the things of beauty that I like to look at - and that's it, and that isn't very much.  I have reached the point in my life where I do not have time for things to be one-dimensional, and this kind of beauty falls into that category.  For me, true beauty is not passive:  It motivates, changes, inspires, and loves.  True beauty is also fabulous to look at, but not for the same reason.  I love to watch true beauty in action because its growth is exponential.  (For a math geek, that is exciting!)  

How do you define beauty when it comes to yourself?  I know this is an area where I have struggled.  I was teased as a child for my weight and for how I looked, and I am still trying to break the effects of those words in my life.  I have had trouble looking in a mirror for most of my life.  I have looked at beautiful people and judged myself by those standards.  But my standards for beauty in others are changing...shouldn't I change the standards by which I have been judging myself?  If true beauty is changing, motivating, inspiring...can I be beautiful myself?  Do I need to look in the mirror to see my beauty, or can I look into the faces of those around me as we interact?  Do I make them smile and laugh?  Do our discussions help them to grow as well?  Perhaps the gorgeous people around us are a better reflection of our beauty than just a plain mirror...

It's Time to Celebrate...YOU!

There are a million reasons to celebrate this season:  The birth of Christ.  Spending time with family.  Seeing friends you haven't seen in ages.  But don't forget to celebrate yourself!


There were several years where hearing that suggestion would have sent me down a steep guilt spiral - there was no way, I thought, to celebrate myself without being too selfish or ignoring someone else who deserved it more.  Throw in the self-doubt stairs - There is nothing about me that should be enjoyed...is there? - and the climb back to reality after the holidays seemed insurmountable.  Inevitably, I always tried to come out on top...I set New Year's Resolutions that were meant to pull me out of my funk and push me back on top. The goals I set, however, were unrealistic or impersonal, and I would end up plateauing at a lower level than where I originally started.


The change came a couple years back when someone convinced me that I deserved to take care of myself.  Since we can only be accountable for the decisions we make ourselves, we are not in control of the health of others (mental, physical, spiritual, or emotional).  Well that came as quite a shock and really freed up a load of my time.  Spending the majority of my time on thinking about others allowed for me to ignore myself.  I was thrilled to have my time back...until I realized I now had to fill that with something - and hiding from myself was no longer going to work.


I began to get to know myself again - what did I enjoy doing for me?  What was I only doing because I thought others would enjoy it or needed it?  How did I feel in different situations?  What did I want to change about myself and why?  To be perfectly honest, there were some parts of myself that I really did not like, and they were the first things I worked out of my system.  There were other characteristics I wanted to develop, and so I started down those paths.


Have you done a self-evaluation lately?  One where you are not searching for the things you've done wrong, but in which you are looking to see who you really are?  What did you find?  Were you able to really SEE yourself?


I hope you do.  For you are someone who deserves to be known.  Your friends know the truth - as does your family.  You are worth getting to know.  And when you take the time for yourself, you will have even more reason to celebrate.  

A Different Perspective

I am fully convinced that we can be our own worst enemies.  For years, I was so conscious of how I treated other people - always making sure to be nice and gracious, to give compliments and avoid judgments (out loud, at least).  I purposefully worked to make others feel good about themselves.  All the while, I was doing the exact opposite to myself.  In fact, if someone treated me this way, I was immediately suspicious or ignorant of their comments.  Where did this come from?  Why is it so hard to believe good things about ourselves?  Who taught us that taking a compliment is wrong...or conceited?


I recently read some research from Act for Youth about adolescents and self-esteem.  I am wrestling with the information - not because I don't believe that there are self-esteem issues for teens, but because I don't know if I agree with a conclusion they drew:  "Adolescents will feel better about themselves if they experience success in domains they care about and are praised for that success by people they respect."  What defines success?  Is this only done by doing something?  


One often hears the phrase "A woman who wears many hats."  I think this mentality starts at an early age.  In high school, I was my mother's daughter, nana's granddaughter, brother's sister, the athlete, the math nerd, the church girl, etc...Every one of my favorite places gave me a new title/hat, and in each situation, I became a somewhat different person.  Each hat came with different responsibilities, and I defined success as meeting them.  But along with those responsibilities came judgments and comparisons (mostly by me).  So while I was successful, I often felt worthless if I didn't achieve. And I felt lost without a hat on to assign me a certain value. 


What would happen if we threw away all of our hats?  How would we be different if we saw value outside (instead) of success?  What would happen if we were as conscious of being good to ourselves as we are of treating others well?  How would we change if every time we shared a kind word with someone else, we thought a compliment about ourselves?  Would we see ourselves with more value if we took a moment to look at ourselves without the lens of judgment, comparison, or results?


Seeing myself has changed my world...well, rocked my world is more accurate. I am able to appreciate the things I bring to the table and am ok with mistakes I make in the process.  Success doesn't define me because I have already determined that I am valuable.  In contrast, I also see others in a better light, as I am no longer comparing myself.  I don't need them to be a certain person to help define me.  I see who they are for their true person.  It is amazing how my relationships have changed over the past three years; they are so much more healthy and rewarding.


That's been one of the unexpected rewards of seeing myself in a better mirror: Once I saw the difference, I wanted everyone to experience the joy and freedom and weightlessness of expectation and judgment.  I want others to be able to look in the mirror and see their true selves.

A New Generation of Bad Words

I had to laugh in church last Sunday.  The phrase "shut up" was used twice - once during the sermon and once during the children's Christmas program, with the second also involving the phrase "I hate you!"  As I looked around the church service, there were kids with eyes open wide as our pastor said words that their moms and dads would not let them say.  I've also had to start working on my use of the phrase "Oh my gosh."  Now, I have really worked on this over the years to replace "God" with gosh...only to be told over a trip this fall that I am not to use this phrase in front of my niece; instead, I need to say "Oh my goodness."   It has me thinking of words that are considered bad...


I think there is a time and a place for the use of most words.  I also think words have become tools or weapons in our society, especially expletives.  I am of the opinion that too many words are spoken without being considered beforehand.  The words that have been on my mind lately are not swear words, although I think they are worse in context.

Should.  Shame.  Fear.  

These may be the three of the worst words I know, and I think they play a large role in the identity of young women.


Should
We spend a lot of time "should-ing" on ourselves.  And the results are just as dirty as they sound: living in the past, living underneath the responsibility of someone else, living with regret.  When the word should enters our lives, we cease to live in the present moment:  We talk about what decisions we should have made.  We talk about the choices we should make.  We spend our time focusing on putting ourselves down for choices we can not change.  We spend our time purposefully making ourselves feel like failures.  We deny ourselves the opportunity to be responsible individuals by judging ourselves by our behavior and by what others deem acceptable.  Should has become not just a word, but a way of life - an emotionally-charged way to view oneself.


Shame
Likewise, shame is a word that captures more emotional baggage than most others.  When I think of the word "shame", I'm struck by the vision of someone sliding their index finger across a pointed index finger while saying the words "Shame on you."  I instinctively feel 2-feet tall and weak..  Shame is a set of luggage that a person carries with them.  And like current airline policies, there is a hefty price to pay when it comes to shameful baggage.  Why do we use this word?  Why do we embrace this feeling?  Despite having lived a large portion of my life feeling like I was blanketed in shame, I don't have the answers to those questions.  What I do know is that learning to like who I am and the choices I am making has changed my life.  Getting rid of the should allowed me to get rid of the shame.


Fear
Getting rid of the fear came next.  Fear is not always a bad word.  In fact, having some fear can help you to make good choices.  But fear within the context of identity can lead to a true crisis.  Does fear in your life keep you from moving forward?  Does fear keep you from letting go of your past?  Does fear keep you from discovering who you were meant to be?  I was afraid for a very long time: afraid to make mistakes, afraid of letting someone down, afraid to be who I really was.  Being ruled by fear is tiring and defeating.  Breaking free can be scary (so different from fear!) - but it is well worth the rewards.


It is important to identify the bad words in our lives, so that we can acknowledge their role and let them go.  Finding your identity - truly seeing yourself in the better mirror - does not mean ignoring what has happened.  Instead, it involves making a choice for something different - for you.  How long has it been since you made a choice based on what YOU thought was best for you?


I watched an awesome TED talk by Brene Brown, and she made a brilliant point:  "I know that vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it is also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love..."  This should give us all hope - because when we let go of the bad, there is always something good we can grab onto.


2 Timothy 1:7 - For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Finding a Better Mirror

It wasn't that long ago that I was in high school...


High school for me was a period of excellence - in academics, in athletics, in life.  I accomplished so many things, but looking back, I didn't manage to do one of the biggest tasks set before me:  I didn't see the value of who I was...I only saw the value of what I did.  (Disclaimer:  A lot of what I did reflected who I wanted to be or who I am now, but I did not necessarily pursue those actions for the value of learning about myself.)  I think I was looking for recognition or satisfaction in making someone else happy, but I'm not sure.  I definitely wasn't that self-aware back then.


I often wish that someone had told me back then what I know now.  Not that I can confirm I would have paid attention to it, but how awesome would it be for my life to have radically changed at the age of 15 versus the age of 31...


So what do I know now?  (Well, loads of random facts to start...)  


The important topic/life lesson I want to share/discuss in this blog is that it's ok to take care of yourself.  It's not selfish.  It doesn't mean you don't care about other people - in fact, I would argue that you are better able to care about others if you are healthy yourself.  Taking care of yourself can change how you view the world, how you approach the world, and how you impact the world.


So here comes the blog...A Better Mirror.  Why do we need a better mirror?  Perhaps better isn't the "right" word.  Perhaps accurate is a better fit, or true.  As we journey, you can fill in that blank, but regardless, there needs to be a change in how young women view themselves.  The value lies in who we (you!) are, not in what we (you!) do.  The mirror comes in when it is a true reflection of your healthy self - mind, body, and soul.  All work together to make you an amazing being ready to make an impact.


It took me a long time to find the right mirror.  Ironically, I was finally able to look in a mirror and not want to avoid what I saw.  But now I can see myself for who I truly am, and I am learning to love the person looking back.