To say that the past couple weeks have been thought-provoking would be an understatement of the grandest kind. I have had more than one discussion about how to figure out what you want to do in life, once you get past all the things you "need" to do...
This blog by Jon Acuff was ridiculously compelling: Play to the size of your heart, not to the size of the crowd. That observation was the catalyst for two weeks of discussing the same topic in bible study (which we don't often do). Two weeks of analyzing my thoughts and actions to see if my heart is the same no matter at what location I have "checked in." Two weeks of figuring out what my basic needs are and how they are being met. Two weeks of trying to determine what I want to do next...
So when you get to the point where you are able to meet your basic needs - food, shelter, clothing, etc. - what do you do? How do you figure out what you're supposed to do next? Who do you listen to? The questions become like an avalanche - quickly gaining momentum and building into a potentially destructive force.
The opposite of the desire of my heart.
And therein lies my answer. Stop the questions from flowing so freely. Stop searching continuously for answers from other resources, other people. Stop. Slow down. Rest.
At the point that I realized my thoughts - which were supposed to be guiding me down a path of fulfillment and destiny (I can't decide if those last three words should be read with a sarcastic voice or a deep, masculine voice-over voice...) - were becoming self-destructive, I made a conscious choice to stop thinking about what I want to do. I don't know if everyone's brain is hard-wired to take an idea and let it spin out of control, or if I'm just special that way...but the results can be overwhelming, making it so much easier to stop making choices, to stop acting...just to stop the thinking. (Which, by the way, makes me think of Mandy Moore's character in Because I Said So as she was breaking up with the guy from That Thing You Do: "And who wants someone who doesn't think?" However, in my mind, this becomes...Who wants to be someone who doesn't think? Right now, I want to be that person because for me, thinking can be dangerous and develop a life of its own.)
And once you stop making choices, the thoughts have won, and life has become devoid of purpose. I have lived in this state (lack of purpose) at various times in my life. One of my friends described it this way: I keep living and planning for the next thing to get done. Race done - check. Now onto the next thing. While moving from task or action to the next is not always a bad thing, if we're constantly waiting for the next "thing" to take place, are we ever really living? Are we missing out on what is going on around us? Are we missing great opportunities to be present and experience life?
So I am slowing down and working on making choices to be present. I'm making choices to change things I don't like and to embrace those things I do. I am engaging in my life, rather than passively participating. And I am trying to be aware - of my surroundings, of those around me, and of what each moment is asking from me. Even to my ears, it sounds a little too poetic, too "out there." However, I have no problem being described as poetry in motion (a phrase attributed to some of the best athletes in the world), even if it's not a physical description.
I watched a TED Talk today (one of my favorite discoveries of this past year) by Jacqueline Novogratz about living a life of immersion, becoming agents of change, not charity. She says at the beginning of the talk, "Your job is not to be perfect - it's to be human." Like she suggests, I want to have the audacity to believe I deserve great things and the humility to acknowledge I can't do it alone.
With that, I have discovered that, right now, what I want most is to rest in the arms of Christ and to let his embrace give me the power and love to be a human in pursuit of perfection, holding tight His grace of my imperfections. I want to... Stop. Rest. Listen. Love. Be Present.
