When You Truly Want the Desires of Your Heart

I often find it ironic that I titled this blog "A Better Mirror" because I hate looking in the mirror - and not just because I often don't like what I see...I also don't like mirrors because they more often reflect the lies I tell myself than the truths I want to see.  I'm reading a book that talks about how our culture has inundated us with information - almost to the point that we are desperate for rules.  That is how I have been viewing my life this past week:  I am desperate to live the life and to be the person that I want to be.  I desperately want.

Now, I'm not talking about trivial things, like wanting to win the lottery and spending money like I already have it.  No, my "wants" are more core desires that have a distinct effect on my character.  For example, I want to be someone who does not waste time.  But when I get home at night, the task of figuring out what to do seems overwhelming...so I accomplish the bare minimum and putz around.  Or I set my alarm to wake up earlier than normal, and I hit snooze several time because my body is not used to getting up earlier.  (Please keep in mind that I truly have a deep desire to not be lazy!  I am usually quite busy, and my life is more of a reflection of fatigue and lack of preparation.)  I'm talking about wanting change that reflects the true values in my life and not just the surface appearances.

Hence my ruminations about the irony of this blog.  When even the measure you are clinging to for a true reflection is clouded and/or tainted, there is a problem.  I have a plethora of choice in how to handle this irony:  I can ignore the desires of my heart and the thoughts that continue to circulate in my mind.  I can pretend that everything is fine and disregard the results of said ignorance.  I can make minor changes and complain.  OR...I can recognize that there is not a problem with the mirror.  The problem isn't even with what I am putting in front of the mirror.  The problem, in fact, is that I have let passivity, denial, disorganization, and dishonesty have power in my life.  I have made choices, but then I have not truly seen those choices come to fruition - for whatever reason.  (See previous sentence.)  

I have acknowledged the core desires of my heart, and, by not pursuing them, I have not recognized their value.  When I accept the status quo, I have denied the reflection of my true mirror, perpetuated the irony, and thus devalued who I am.

If my heart continues to challenge the way I am living, am I expending more energy to deny change than I would if I were to make change?  Only time will tell, but I am more than willing to invest extra energy on the front end to better align how I live my life.

Summer Break Is Over...

I live in an almost constant desire for time off.  I'm not sure where that comes from, or what I need time off for exactly...

I took a break from writing this blog over the summer.  There was no real reason why.  In retrospect, I would guess because my life got a little more complicated:  Both my parents retired, moved to Cleveland, moved back with my nieces...my brother moved into the house I had been living in, and then I moved out at the end of the summer.   Lots of change.  And I'm not that huge a fan of change.  As I experience more and more of it this summer, however, I realized that I am not anti-change at all.  In fact, I found that I am constantly looking for change and improvement.  I do not, however, like feeling out of control, and so often (for me, at least), change feels out of my control.

It is with this enormous self-realization that I begin to blog again.  I know it's November, and summer has been over for awhile, (Although you wouldn't know it, since it hasn't snowed yet...not that I'm bitter!) but I feel like a new year is starting.  I have that wonderful anticipatory feeling that I would get when a new school year would start.  (If only there were back-to-school sales for this type of event!)  The hum-drum days of laziness and heat that blended one into the other are over, and I am ready for change.  In fact, I am ready to learn - the best kind of change, yet.

I feel like I have fallen into old habits of not taking care of myself, and that is what is generating my desire for time off.  Who knew that making that simple transition from summer vacation-brain to actively pursuing life would energize me in such a profound way.  I am ready to live, to learn, and to make choices again.  

I am ready to take care of myself again.