I was recently asked to make a list of successes and failures - in essence to define success and failure - with particular emphasis on my own personal successes and failures. I had 2 weeks to complete this "assignment".
The first week was fraught with tension, an inner struggle hellbent on not wanting to define failure but also determined not to fail this task. There was a whole lot of ignoring the reality (during the second week) that this activity could - and, in my case, most definitely would - have immediate implications in how I chose to view myself, interact with myself, define myself...
Last night was my due date. And I had firmly blocked everything out of my mind until I came face-to-face with my "teacher", if you will...
(I am totally going to mix metaphors here, but this assignment and due date do create a sense of crossover.)
I delivered. Oh, boy, did I deliver. And metaphorically, it was a 9 lb. 6 oz. gorgeous baby. (That was my birth weight, by the way. I owe my mom a whole lot, I know.) Anyways, I had this gorgeous epiphany that I shall now share with you.
There is only one true and complete failure in (my) life...
The only true failure I could fathom is turning away from God. Now walk with me for a moment, here. There are a whole horde of things that I can fail at - and I have, in fact, had too many failed attempts to count. But the truth, MY TRUTH - even more so, GOD'S TRUTH - is that every failed attempt, every sin, every bad thing is an opportunity for growth, for redemption, and for God's grace to take over.
I have the opportunity to change with every failed attempt - with every mistake. And make no mistake, there is freedom in that. There is a beautiful freedom in knowing that no mistake can take you from the love of God. In fact, God's love might even propel you into growing from that experience.
Growth is not easy. Those awkward teenage years are proof of that. Heck, my twenties and early thirties are proof of that. But growth is necessary; it is rewarding; and it is responsive - a true response to God's freedom, love, and grace.
So, as I'm discussing all of this with my teacher, I continued to deliver...I am not a failure. I may make failed attempts, but they don't define me. I am not a failure. I might feel like a failure, but those feelings don't define me, either. In fact, I need to process all those mistakes and emotions (anger, grief, shame, embarrassment) to grow. (Just like I need to process the feelings of success - happy, proud, excited.) But I myself am not anger. I am not embarrassment. I am not shame. (Nor am I happy. Or pride. Or excitement.) I am free to make mistakes and grow.
So back to my earlier giggles...The freedom to laugh at failing at my attempts to blog regularly is growth. 5 years ago - 2 years ago, even - I would have seen myself as a failure. And THAT is a true success.
