When Ideas Pop in My Head

During my waking hours, I have a constant stream of ideas flowing through my mind.  Quite often, I ignore these thoughts and choose to focus on the task at hand or something else.  Occasionally, though, I catch one of my thoughts in the moment, and I am compelled to stop and process the thought.  

I was getting ready for church on Sunday morning when one of these thoughts passed through my mind:

"Just because you don't have children doesn't mean that you lack incentive for leading a life of character."  

I was floored by this topic, as it seemingly came out of nowhere.  (After some process time, I am guessing that it reflected two separate conversations I had with my parents where we discussed other parents who had made decisions that could impact their children in a negative way.)  I remember looking at myself in the mirror - which, as you all know, is not one of my favorite activities - as I tried to make sure I had "heard" myself correctly.  I spent the rest of the morning considering not only the challenge before me, but the unspoken condition of me lacking incentive.

I have mentioned before my previous thoughts on airline instructions to put your oxygen mask on before you help someone else.  (For a long time, this did not make sense to me.  I confess that I still struggle with this concept in my everyday life.)  I immediately began to incorporate this into my processing of my morning's thought.  So often, when I think of taking care of myself, I have put it into the context of "...so I can take care of someone/thing else" - like there was a condition to or requirement for my taking care of myself.  

If I remove others from my health equation, do I still need to be healthy?

Mind blown.  I hadn't realized how conditional my health had become to me.  Even without knowing what my "conditions" were, I was subconsciously making personal choices based on their role in my life.  I had to ask myself:  What is my motivation for being healthy?  Can I be healthy when I think no one is looking?  Will I choose health because it's the right thing to do?

That last question has weighed heavy on my mind since Sunday.  As I mentioned last week, I am adopting the word finish as my theme for 2013.  I have tossed around the idea of adjusting it to complete because I want that to reflect not only my desire to finish but also to be well-rounded.  Regardless of my decision on that, I know that I need to embrace my answers to the questions above.  If I give the expected or "right" answer because it's what I think I should do, doesn't that go against my desire to remove the conditions from my health?  Don't my answers reflect my character?

I have decided to amend the airline oxygen mask analogy in my life:  I now need to stop focusing on who else I can help with their oxygen mask, since I am not responsible for anyone else (i.e. children).  I need to make sure my mask is on and working, so that I meet my own needs and make my own health a priority. Beyond that, I need to make sure I am doing the right thing for me, so that my true character is reflected.

Finish...My 2013 Resolution

I am really good at starting projects:  I have a scarf I've been knitting for almost 2 years.  It sits in the same Christmas bag I got the yarn and needles in for Christmas.  I have a drawer (and a box!) full of pictures waiting to be hung on the wall.  I have a stack of books that I am trying to finish, despite the fact that I've read countless books since I started the stack.  (I have even started one book twice and gotten within 3 chapters of finishing each time...)

Needless to say, I am not good at finishing projects.  And the project I am the worst at is... drum-roll, please...ME.  I have invested countless minutes, hours, and days thinking about and planning my "perfection" (for lack of a better word).  I know how I should eat, what I should do, and who I should be.  I spend an inordinate amount of time setting goals and working towards them - only to have them in my sight and figure I'm close enough(?).  I'm not sure what my problem is, although I have a guess.

Hi, my name is Eden, and I have a distinct and deep fear of failure.  I am willing to quit and have control rather than fail.  I am willing to accept mediocrity rather than seek greatness and fall down.  I am willing to be a witness to my own life rather than an active participant.

Well, I plan to change that in 2013.  And the reason I am confident that this plan will not be one I quit is because I plan to live boldly.  And finish loudly.  And to make energetic noise every day of the year.  By being bold, loud, energetic and noisy, I expect to be noticed and to be cheered and to be pushed to completion (even if it's just by myself!).  

I love how, in the Matched trilogy, the author picks an amazingly bold poem for the characters to memorize:

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night by Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night. 

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night. 

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Since this series is part of the list of books I have read recently, I have been challenged by this poem and how I live my life.  I do not want to go gently into 2013; I want to fight to the finish!

And so, I am adopting the word FINISH for 2013.  Among other things, I will finish the scarf I have been knitting...and if I start a new one, I will finish that one, too!