When Ideas Pop in My Head

During my waking hours, I have a constant stream of ideas flowing through my mind.  Quite often, I ignore these thoughts and choose to focus on the task at hand or something else.  Occasionally, though, I catch one of my thoughts in the moment, and I am compelled to stop and process the thought.  

I was getting ready for church on Sunday morning when one of these thoughts passed through my mind:

"Just because you don't have children doesn't mean that you lack incentive for leading a life of character."  

I was floored by this topic, as it seemingly came out of nowhere.  (After some process time, I am guessing that it reflected two separate conversations I had with my parents where we discussed other parents who had made decisions that could impact their children in a negative way.)  I remember looking at myself in the mirror - which, as you all know, is not one of my favorite activities - as I tried to make sure I had "heard" myself correctly.  I spent the rest of the morning considering not only the challenge before me, but the unspoken condition of me lacking incentive.

I have mentioned before my previous thoughts on airline instructions to put your oxygen mask on before you help someone else.  (For a long time, this did not make sense to me.  I confess that I still struggle with this concept in my everyday life.)  I immediately began to incorporate this into my processing of my morning's thought.  So often, when I think of taking care of myself, I have put it into the context of "...so I can take care of someone/thing else" - like there was a condition to or requirement for my taking care of myself.  

If I remove others from my health equation, do I still need to be healthy?

Mind blown.  I hadn't realized how conditional my health had become to me.  Even without knowing what my "conditions" were, I was subconsciously making personal choices based on their role in my life.  I had to ask myself:  What is my motivation for being healthy?  Can I be healthy when I think no one is looking?  Will I choose health because it's the right thing to do?

That last question has weighed heavy on my mind since Sunday.  As I mentioned last week, I am adopting the word finish as my theme for 2013.  I have tossed around the idea of adjusting it to complete because I want that to reflect not only my desire to finish but also to be well-rounded.  Regardless of my decision on that, I know that I need to embrace my answers to the questions above.  If I give the expected or "right" answer because it's what I think I should do, doesn't that go against my desire to remove the conditions from my health?  Don't my answers reflect my character?

I have decided to amend the airline oxygen mask analogy in my life:  I now need to stop focusing on who else I can help with their oxygen mask, since I am not responsible for anyone else (i.e. children).  I need to make sure my mask is on and working, so that I meet my own needs and make my own health a priority. Beyond that, I need to make sure I am doing the right thing for me, so that my true character is reflected.

Finish...My 2013 Resolution

I am really good at starting projects:  I have a scarf I've been knitting for almost 2 years.  It sits in the same Christmas bag I got the yarn and needles in for Christmas.  I have a drawer (and a box!) full of pictures waiting to be hung on the wall.  I have a stack of books that I am trying to finish, despite the fact that I've read countless books since I started the stack.  (I have even started one book twice and gotten within 3 chapters of finishing each time...)

Needless to say, I am not good at finishing projects.  And the project I am the worst at is... drum-roll, please...ME.  I have invested countless minutes, hours, and days thinking about and planning my "perfection" (for lack of a better word).  I know how I should eat, what I should do, and who I should be.  I spend an inordinate amount of time setting goals and working towards them - only to have them in my sight and figure I'm close enough(?).  I'm not sure what my problem is, although I have a guess.

Hi, my name is Eden, and I have a distinct and deep fear of failure.  I am willing to quit and have control rather than fail.  I am willing to accept mediocrity rather than seek greatness and fall down.  I am willing to be a witness to my own life rather than an active participant.

Well, I plan to change that in 2013.  And the reason I am confident that this plan will not be one I quit is because I plan to live boldly.  And finish loudly.  And to make energetic noise every day of the year.  By being bold, loud, energetic and noisy, I expect to be noticed and to be cheered and to be pushed to completion (even if it's just by myself!).  

I love how, in the Matched trilogy, the author picks an amazingly bold poem for the characters to memorize:

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night by Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night. 

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night. 

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Since this series is part of the list of books I have read recently, I have been challenged by this poem and how I live my life.  I do not want to go gently into 2013; I want to fight to the finish!

And so, I am adopting the word FINISH for 2013.  Among other things, I will finish the scarf I have been knitting...and if I start a new one, I will finish that one, too!

When You Truly Want the Desires of Your Heart

I often find it ironic that I titled this blog "A Better Mirror" because I hate looking in the mirror - and not just because I often don't like what I see...I also don't like mirrors because they more often reflect the lies I tell myself than the truths I want to see.  I'm reading a book that talks about how our culture has inundated us with information - almost to the point that we are desperate for rules.  That is how I have been viewing my life this past week:  I am desperate to live the life and to be the person that I want to be.  I desperately want.

Now, I'm not talking about trivial things, like wanting to win the lottery and spending money like I already have it.  No, my "wants" are more core desires that have a distinct effect on my character.  For example, I want to be someone who does not waste time.  But when I get home at night, the task of figuring out what to do seems overwhelming...so I accomplish the bare minimum and putz around.  Or I set my alarm to wake up earlier than normal, and I hit snooze several time because my body is not used to getting up earlier.  (Please keep in mind that I truly have a deep desire to not be lazy!  I am usually quite busy, and my life is more of a reflection of fatigue and lack of preparation.)  I'm talking about wanting change that reflects the true values in my life and not just the surface appearances.

Hence my ruminations about the irony of this blog.  When even the measure you are clinging to for a true reflection is clouded and/or tainted, there is a problem.  I have a plethora of choice in how to handle this irony:  I can ignore the desires of my heart and the thoughts that continue to circulate in my mind.  I can pretend that everything is fine and disregard the results of said ignorance.  I can make minor changes and complain.  OR...I can recognize that there is not a problem with the mirror.  The problem isn't even with what I am putting in front of the mirror.  The problem, in fact, is that I have let passivity, denial, disorganization, and dishonesty have power in my life.  I have made choices, but then I have not truly seen those choices come to fruition - for whatever reason.  (See previous sentence.)  

I have acknowledged the core desires of my heart, and, by not pursuing them, I have not recognized their value.  When I accept the status quo, I have denied the reflection of my true mirror, perpetuated the irony, and thus devalued who I am.

If my heart continues to challenge the way I am living, am I expending more energy to deny change than I would if I were to make change?  Only time will tell, but I am more than willing to invest extra energy on the front end to better align how I live my life.

Summer Break Is Over...

I live in an almost constant desire for time off.  I'm not sure where that comes from, or what I need time off for exactly...

I took a break from writing this blog over the summer.  There was no real reason why.  In retrospect, I would guess because my life got a little more complicated:  Both my parents retired, moved to Cleveland, moved back with my nieces...my brother moved into the house I had been living in, and then I moved out at the end of the summer.   Lots of change.  And I'm not that huge a fan of change.  As I experience more and more of it this summer, however, I realized that I am not anti-change at all.  In fact, I found that I am constantly looking for change and improvement.  I do not, however, like feeling out of control, and so often (for me, at least), change feels out of my control.

It is with this enormous self-realization that I begin to blog again.  I know it's November, and summer has been over for awhile, (Although you wouldn't know it, since it hasn't snowed yet...not that I'm bitter!) but I feel like a new year is starting.  I have that wonderful anticipatory feeling that I would get when a new school year would start.  (If only there were back-to-school sales for this type of event!)  The hum-drum days of laziness and heat that blended one into the other are over, and I am ready for change.  In fact, I am ready to learn - the best kind of change, yet.

I feel like I have fallen into old habits of not taking care of myself, and that is what is generating my desire for time off.  Who knew that making that simple transition from summer vacation-brain to actively pursuing life would energize me in such a profound way.  I am ready to live, to learn, and to make choices again.  

I am ready to take care of myself again.

Breaking Habits and Embracing Traditions

I recently went on a road trip to Colorado.  It had been years since I last drove across the state of Nebraska into Eastern Colorado.  A week later, I made the return trip home.  First, let me say that I don't anticipate driving that distance again (at least not both ways) next year.  Second, let me recommend listening to an audio-book, as it helps time pass more quickly.  What I really want to talk about, however, is the return trip home.


Over the past few months, I have been working at breaking life-long habits that do not support my current ideal of being healthy and taking care of myself.  My progress has ebbed and flowed, which has not been my favorite, but it has allowed me to continuously grow and demonstrate the desire to grow.   Habits can be both good and bad, but I associate habits with not having to think.  So I have been trying to break both good and bad habits because I want to think.  I want to be present and engaged in my life.  I want to make decisions.


With that being said, the past few months have been challenging for me.  There has been a lot of "hurry up and wait" moments.  There have been a large amount of decisions made by other people over the past few months directly impacted my life.  Planning for an unknown future can make it hard to live in the present.  (And I struggled - I'm not going to lie.  I felt that I had to choose how to take care of myself, and I chose to focus on my mental and emotional health.  I feel like I am now able to take care of myself more wholly, which is definitely a good thing.)  It is most definitely difficult to be consistently present when you are looking ahead.  


So being present, breaking habits, and taking care of myself has been on my brain.  The car ride home provided me with an intriguing contrast to being present...My brother and I were well-versed in road-trip "parent-isms".  Periodically, one of us would throw out a comment that would make both of us chuckle and remember our parents fondly.  (My favorite, by the way, is when we cross back into Nebraska saying, "Ah, the good life."  I smiled just typing that!)  


Our family is big on tradition.  (Because we're Presbyterian?  Irish?  Not quite sure why...)  If there is a way that we can repeat an awesome moment of a celebration, we will.  We like to remember.  We like to connect and celebrate.  But in my quest to be present by breaking habits, I had to question whether it was good for me to celebrate traditions of the past. 


My internal debate was quite short:  I am choosing to embrace traditions.  For me, traditions do not represent living in the past, but instead remembering.  Traditions provide me with the opportunity to think and choose whether to continue to celebrate occasions.  The key for me is that when I take part in a tradition - whether singing the Rock Chalk chant or hanging stockings by the fireplace - I make a choice.  I recognize the opportunity to do these mindlessly, but I rarely do.  I love remembering the past and connecting it to where I am now.  I look for opportunities to embrace traditions in my current - or new - settings and personalize them.  I love to share traditions, so others can grow with me.


I am quite sure that some traditions could fade into habits.  The good thing about this is that I'm breaking habits.  

Contemplating WANT vs. NEED

To say that the past couple weeks have been thought-provoking would be an understatement of the grandest kind.  I have had more than one discussion about how to figure out what you want to do in life, once you get past all the things you "need" to do...


This blog by Jon Acuff was ridiculously compelling:  Play to the size of your heart, not to the size of the crowd.  That observation was the catalyst for two weeks of discussing the same topic in bible study (which we don't often do).  Two weeks of analyzing my thoughts and actions to see if my heart is the same no matter at what location I have "checked in."  Two weeks of figuring out what my basic needs are and how they are being met.  Two weeks of trying to determine what I want to do next...


So when you get to the point where you are able to meet your basic needs - food, shelter, clothing, etc. - what do you do?  How do you figure out what you're supposed to do next?  Who do you listen to?  The questions become like an avalanche - quickly gaining momentum and building into a potentially destructive force.


The opposite of the desire of my heart.  


And therein lies my answer.  Stop the questions from flowing so freely.  Stop searching continuously for answers from other resources, other people.  Stop.  Slow down.  Rest.  


At the point that I realized my thoughts -  which were supposed to be guiding me down a path of fulfillment and destiny (I can't decide if those last three words should be read with a sarcastic voice or a deep, masculine voice-over voice...) - were becoming self-destructive, I made a conscious choice to stop thinking about what I want to do.  I don't know if everyone's brain is hard-wired to take an idea and let it spin out of control, or if I'm just special that way...but the results can be overwhelming, making it so much easier to stop making choices, to stop acting...just to stop the thinking.  (Which, by the way, makes me think of Mandy Moore's character in Because I Said So as she was breaking up with the guy from That Thing You Do: "And who wants someone who doesn't think?"  However, in my mind, this becomes...Who wants to be someone who doesn't think?  Right now, I want to be that person because for me, thinking can be dangerous and develop a life of its own.)


And once you stop making choices, the thoughts have won, and life has become devoid of purpose.  I have lived in this state (lack of purpose) at various times in my life.  One of my friends described it this way:  I keep living and planning for the next thing to get done.  Race done - check.  Now onto the next thing.  While moving from task or action to the next is not always a bad thing, if we're constantly waiting for the next "thing" to take place, are we ever really living? Are we missing out on what is going on around us?  Are we missing great opportunities to be present and experience life?


So I am slowing down and working on making choices to be present.  I'm making choices to change things I don't like and to embrace those things I do.  I am engaging in my life, rather than passively participating.  And I am trying to be aware - of my surroundings, of those around me, and of what each moment is asking from me.  Even to my ears, it sounds a little too poetic, too "out there."  However, I have no problem being described as poetry in motion (a phrase attributed to some of the best athletes in the world), even if it's not a physical description.


I watched a TED Talk today (one of my favorite discoveries of this past year) by Jacqueline Novogratz about living a life of immersion, becoming agents of change, not charity.  She says at the beginning of the talk, "Your job is not to be perfect - it's to be human."  Like she suggests, I want to have the audacity to believe I deserve great things and the humility to acknowledge I can't do it alone.  


With that, I have discovered that, right now, what I want most is to rest in the arms of Christ and to let his embrace give me the power and love to be a human in pursuit of perfection, holding tight His grace of my imperfections.  I want to... Stop.  Rest.  Listen.  Love.  Be Present.

Contagious celebrations

Today's blog post will be short.  Why (you might be thinking)?  Because I'm off to a party...but not just any party.  I'm going to join the celebration of my mom's amazing teaching career.  


What I am most excited to see is something I hope you can relate to:  I am joyously anxious to watch everyone lavish praise on my mom.  I find overwhelming joy in watching the people I love get celebrated.  For instance, today on facebook, there have been four different posts about my mom's last day of teaching.  Each one has been "liked" and commented on by former students, coworkers, and people who have met my mom.  I have found myself frantically checking my wall all day, so that I can keep up with who is acknowledging this milestone in my mom's life.  My mom also called today to share a surprise that she got from her 8th grade geometry class.  It was such a fun phone call to receive!


I truly hope you find yourself in a position to celebrate with others...and to take joy in the festivity!  That selfless pleasure is fulfilling and contagious. 


And who doesn't want to be a person who is filled with joy and loves sharing it with others? 

A Girl Needs Her Beauty Sleep

I established this crazy sleep pattern in college that has continued into my thirties:  I get as much done as I can during the week...even staying up "past my bedtime" on weeknights to read or catch up on DVR or whatever.  Then, on glorious Saturday mornings, I sleep until I wake up, which can be as early as 10 or as late as 1, depending on what my previous week has looked like.  It has generated some discussion among friends, family members, coworkers, etc., who all have opinions on how I choose to spend my time.

The fact of the matter is that I respect most of these opinions without agreeing with them...a perfectly healthy option!  This has been a huge lesson for me:  that I do not have to feel guilt or shame about my choices, even when someone else makes a different choice that comes with fabulous results.  The beauty of our making choices is not only the empowerment of taking care of ourselves, but also the celebration of the successes of others.

But I digress...

I am in the middle of a sleep lull, and it is affecting several different aspects of my life.  My title was written in jest, but the truth is that I do need beauty sleep:  I need to rest in order to take care of my mental and emotional health...and this greatly affects my inner beauty.  (On a side note, I am becoming more aware of the physical effects of sleep deprivation.)

One of the most overwhelming lack-of-sleep obstacles has been how I make choices.   I wrote about it in an earlier post, and I am echoing - and confirming - my thoughts:  I hate making choices when I am tired.  I read a summary on cnn.com of a study about the relationship between sleep deprivation and depression in teenagers.  There is a high correlation between the two:  Thirty percent of teenagers below the recommended average of hours of sleep per night show strong symptoms of depression.   Thirty-two percent showed symptoms of depression.  Let me restate:  That is nearly two-thirds of those studied who demonstrated symptoms of depression when lacking sleep.  That is a huge relationship, even though the degrees of depression differ. 

A quick trip over to WebMD gave me a list of symptoms of depression: 

• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

• fatigue and decreased energy

• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

• insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

• irritability, restlessness

• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

• overeating or appetite loss

• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

• thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Even when considering one of these symptoms, I am overwhelmed with the obstacles that exist to block our path to health.  The mental strength and focus necessary to pursue taking care of oneself can seem so unattainable on a good day, but on a sleepy day, that same fortitude can seem impossibly beyond reach...a cycle that once began can take even more willpower to break.  The link between depression and lack of sleep appears even more daunting...


So I choose to sleep.  I know I'm not a princess, nor do I want to be...but I long to be healthy.  And a healthy girl needs her beauty sleep, too!  

Vocabulary Lessons

There are certain words that automatically bring me back to high school English classes.  "Rumination" is one of them.  I literally remember having the discussion about a cow chewing his/her cud.  "Morass" is another, because what word can make a high school-er giggle than a word that contains a swear word and means swamp?  


As I sit down today, I have been processing certain specific words and their meaning in my life.  My words lately seem to revolve around being present and thoughtful.  I am constantly hearing and using the word choice...but never when I need to make a choice.  I like to contemplate being purposeful, intentional in my actions...when I'm not actually doing anything.


So how do words and thoughts become actions and happenings?  This is the dilemma that has been plaguing me for the past couple weeks.  Not only do I have high hopes of making change in my life, but I have high expectations as to when these should be accomplished.  


And then I do something.  Some would call it making a choice, but I am struggling with that label, as there is often no conscious thought backing it up.  Or rather I should say, there is no purposeful thought behind it...because I can feel myself thinking at the time.  And I can feel myself thinking during the action.  Afterwards, however, I look at that and ask myself why I never stopped or changed course or did something!  


I so want to be purposeful and present in everything I do, but I allow habits and mindlessness to rule my behavior.  I want to do more than talk about this and acknowledge this:  I want to change.  Do you hear me, self?  I want to change!  I need to change!  I desire the results, and I'm willing to put in the work, too.  But I need to know when to work and how to work. I need more than myself, and I don't know where that more comes from.  There are obvious answers to that - with the main one being God.  And I do believe that God helps us - please don't doubt me on this...but I also know God gives us free will...meaning choices...and we need to come to Him...meaning awareness.  This is my struggle:  Awareness of choice.  


Words have power.  Does action have greater power?    

I Feel Badly for Pennies

So, I feel badly for pennies.  Don't worry - I feel badly for nickels and dimes, too.  (Oddly enough, I don't feel badly for quarters.  I think that is mostly due to the recent state quarters that had my whole family searching for an Iowa P quarter for nearly a year, but I digress...)  So often these coins are carelessly dropped on the ground or given as a tip when they are the remainder of a purchase at a local coffee shop.  My odd empathy for these coins developed last week when I cashed in my piggy bank.  

I have this beautifully decorated piggy bank that stores all my coins.  I live on a cash system, so at the end of each month, I put all of my remaining coins into the yellow pig.  When the pig is full, I take it to the bank.  My months of collecting coins netted $87.60.  I was astonished - it's not a large piggy bank by any means, but that yellow pig held coins that together had high value.

Sometimes I feel like I am a penny or a nickel - maybe even a dime.  I feel like the leftover or the casually-dropped person in the room.  I feel like I don't have value.  I have recently read a few articles that debated stopping the production of coins, especially pennies.  In light of my recent empathetic revelation, I can't help but feel like there could be people who don't want me around either.  It's hard not to succumb to those feelings of lack of worth and value.

As a single woman in her mid-thirties, I have had the amazing opportunity to watch my friends meet their soul mates and start families.  Along with this opportunity, however, comes an almost constant pressure (whether from myself or others, it is the same) to find someone with whom to share my life.  Now, this sounds like a great idea, and I'd love to do that should the opportunity present itself, but it also lends itself to the thinking that I can't have a full life alone.  Now, I truly don't want to have a pity party here...I have learned to love my life as a singleton, and I love being part of the families of all my friends.  

The truth is there is strong value in a group, a family, a couple, etc.  Often, when these people come together, it is for a purpose, and their shared effort and devotion affect change.  There is power in numbers - it's a cliche for a reason.  Membership in the collective doesn't, however, diminish the value of the individual.  And I think that is where I have landed:  Yes, a dollar has more numeric value than a penny, dime, nickel or even quarter, but you can not get to the whole without accounting for the parts.  They all have value, no matter what the number assigned to them may be.  

So I may be just a penny...but my dad is a coin collector, and he has several pennies with more value than initially thought...just like me. 

"Working Hard to Stay Small"

Phenomenal.  I heard that quote in a TED Talk by Brene Brown today.  How often do I work hard to stay small, to stay unnoticed, to hide behind my actions or those around me?  What is it about myself that makes me think I don't deserve to be seen or heard or valued?


I am floored by how Dr. Brown discusses vulnerability and shame.  Her research started with shame, but moved towards vulnerability when she discovered that vulnerability is necessary for whole-hearted living.  (And who doesn't want to be fully engaged in their own life?!)  Vulnerability is not weakness, she states, but rather "vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage."  


How does my own shame hold me back from being courageous?  (Dr. Brown describes shame as feelings of "I am bad" and guilt as feelings of "I did something bad.")  I don't even know the answer to that question, but I know that I am held back.  So how do I address this in my life?

1. I will find value in who I am daily.  It will not always be profound, but I will purposefully identify a character trait in myself that has value.
2. I will not perform habitual behaviors, just because they are a part of my life.  Now, this one will take awhile, as I will need to discover which behaviors are merely habits, but I need to make sure my behaviors are choices and not just reactions.
3. I will stop doing the things in my life that make me feel bad about myself.  (This may tie directly to #2.) For me, eating is directly tied to self-worth, and I need to separate these in my own life.
4. I will try new things or even try things with a new perspective - choosing instead to let go of past experiences.
5. I will surround myself with a group that will help me by praying for and encouraging me to see myself the way they see me.

I realize this list is not finished, but it's a fabulous beginning.  I should not hide anymore or make myself small.  I have value...and so do you.

March Madness

This is one of my favorite times of the year...March Madness.  I love pretty much everything that comes with the NCAA Tournament.  However, it does bring out part of my bad side:  My competitive nature and my extreme dislike for losing and/or being wrong.


As the games start this week, I have been reminded of these aspects of my life and the negativity they bring into my life...and it has me thinking about how these attitudes affect other areas of my life (besides sports).


I think as young women, we are encouraged to be competitive, but almost in a manipulative, passive-aggressive way.  We learn so early to look at pictures of others and see the areas that we need to improve, and then point out the areas that they need to improve.  We learn how to give a back-handed compliment that has a biting judgment to it.  But this competitiveness does not accomplish much more than injuring all parties involved, whether known or not.  In fact, this competitiveness can develop into an aptitude for judgment.  It can also transform itself into a pit of feelings of inadequacy.


This is where I feel I have spent the majority of my life.  My competitive drive to win has always left me with a fear of losing or being wrong.  I developed a habit of quitting before that could ever be a possibility.  My battle with weight is the perfect example of this.  I have, like so many others, gained and lost weight at least a dozen times...but I never get to my goal because my fear of not reaching it is bigger than my need to accomplish it.  So I quit.  I have quit a lot of things in my life.  I am not proud of any of these moments, nor am I proud of this tendency in my character.  Learning to move beyond the fear is trying and difficult and some days, near impossible.


This is my own madness...I only wish it was March Madness!  I am at times so consumed with the desire to win that I say and/or do things that I later excuse as competitiveness.  I push and focus and drive towards my goal...then, just when it's in sight, I feel like I pull the emergency brake.  It's like I don't even test the regular breaks...I just panic...and assume the worst.  


So now I am left to wonder:  Would I be better suited for success if I stopped competing?  (Who am I even competing against?)  How would this change my life?  Would I slow down and enjoy the process?  Could I stop looking ahead and live in the present - moment by moment?  Despite the anxiety this initially brings into the forefront of my mind, I am aware of the promise of peace.


And who doesn't want peace in their lives?

I've Got Love on the Brain...

"Love is all you need..." ~ The Beatles


"Might as well face it, you're addicted to love..." ~ Robert Palmer


Love songs are pouring through my mind right now...There are so many love songs that speak of joy, hurt, experiences, and more.  I remember sitting around with my friends in junior high playing songs on repeat (Oh, the joy of CDs!) and talking about boys.  I remember singing songs in the car in high school with my friends, imagining what my first great love was going to be like.


Love has been on my mind recently...not because I'm in love or because I'm not in love, for that matter.  Honestly, I've been questioning how much I truly love myself, and whether I would equate that - or even compare that - to how much I love others.  I've spoken pretty openly about how important it is to take care of yourself, and over the past couple months, I have been struggling to do just that.  So in my non-stop pursuit of becoming healthier, I have run right into the wall of love.  Continuing this metaphor, I have run up and down the wall, trying to find a way to go around it.  I have looked to see if I could climb the wall, thus bypassing the topic as well.  It seems as though what is behind the wall of love is protected, and I must figure out how to open the door.  So I am trying to figure out if all this effort is worth it.


Have you been here?  Have you come up to a roadblock and had to determine if it was worth your efforts to push through the pain, the learning, the experience to get beyond?  What do you do if you're not sure what exactly there is on the other side???  


So, all these questions are rolling through my brain as I try to figure out how to first, find the door.  Then, when I do stumble upon a camouflaged door, I have to figure out how to open it, for I don't have a key...in fact, there is no keyhole.  So how do I get in?  How do I get through this?  How do I get through this?


And that is the desperate question that has finally given me some hope.  Because I have finally been honest in my search.  I am not trying to ignore the wall.  I am not trying to bypass this part of my life.  I am truly looking for the answer.

My Hands Make Horrible Fists

There is a brilliant snowstorm going on outside my window right now.  I am reminded of seeing people try to walk in storms, trying to bundle themselves in...it almost looks like they are trying to collapse in on themselves.  


I have felt this before.  The need to hunch over, to pull everything in tight, to hold on for dear life.  There is something about becoming smaller that makes me feel safe, but this is just a figment of my imagination.  Safety does not come from size.  Safety is not determined by posture or position. Safety is an attitude...it's preparation...it's honesty.


I watched a remarkable TED Talk today by Sarah Kay about spoken poetry.  Being the math person I am, I keyed in on a specific equation she shared:


ABILITY + COURAGE = REWARDS


She talked about how she is trying to walk through life with open hands, ready and willing to experience life.  Some people would say this isn't safe...but she didn't say she wasn't aware of her surroundings, or that she wasn't prepared to take care of herself if necessary.  Her safety comes from being confident in her ability and knowledge of herself.  The juxtaposition of courage with the idea of safety is what makes the rewards so remarkable.  Big rewards come from big opportunities.  (One of my favorite scenes from the movie Miracle.)


Sarah outlines three statements you need to say when approaching your life.  They are so universal and applicable that we all need to be reminded of them:
1.  "I can."
2.  "I will."
3.  These steps never end...I need to grow, explore, take risks and challenge myself.


Sarah ended her TED talk by saying, "I'm trying my hardest to get it right this time around."  


Is your life spent in the moment, trying to do life right?  Are you planning on success or are you accepting failure?  What is your attitude - Can you?  Will you?  


I have changed the way I pray in a lot of different ways.  One of the most impacting has been to not close/clasp my hands.  I try to keep my hands open, and have even begun opening my arms as well.  I want to be open, to be able to embrace what life and God has for me. 

I Hate Making Choices When I'm Tired

Oh, dear.  Just typing the title of this entry has my mind spinning in one hundred different directions.  This has been one of those weeks where every minute has been scheduled, but very few minutes have been planned.  It was one of those weeks where my job was to take care of everyone else - to ensure their comfort and their flow.  I truly love this part of my job, but it definitely has an effect on me.  In any given month, we may have a handful of days that are chock full of events and people.  This week, every day was bursting at the seams.  It was exciting and energizing.  I, however, was not...


Over the last couple years, I have noticed that there are certain times when it is more difficult to make the choice to take care of myself.  More often than not, I do not make myself a priority when I am tired - mentally, physically, and/or emotionally.  If I am socially exhausted, too (since I am an introvert), this becomes even more complicated.  I could offer several different excuses, but it comes down to falling back into old habits.  Why does this continue to happen?  Why do these days pass, and then I think about the plans that I could have made that would have given me the edge I needed to get through the days?


I think the biggest difference for me is whether I am present in the task at hand.  Let me explain:  I am always physically present wherever I am.  But I have to choose to be mentally present - not thinking ahead, not remembering a past moment.  Likewise, I have to choose to be emotionally and spiritually present - recognizing any/all feelings as they come (even the difficult or mundane ones), acknowledging that these feelings are valid, allowing myself to feel the emotions.  Presence is so much more than physical, and it seems to take more time than I have.  Ironically, I have to plan ahead to make certain choices, so that when I am faced with last-minute habit-breaking/forming challenges, I can recognize the choice I want to make, instead of breezing through and not allowing myself the opportunity to take care of myself.


When I am tired, I often ignore the choices I have to make that would allow me to take care of myself and seem to go with whatever is there...I am reminded of my mom, dad, nana, etc. saying to me that the easiest choice is not always the right choice.  


Perhaps my favorite TED Talk to date is this short clip by Matt Cutts.  I chuckled at his becoming a novelist in 30 days, but I am convicted by the power of time.  I was moved by his discussion of how time seemed to slow when he was living his life with purpose.  I want to feel that power and purpose in my life.  


Maybe I don't hate making choices when I'm tired...maybe I hate that I don't make choices when I'm tired...

My Life...The Junk Drawer

I was talking with one of my co-workers last week, and I made the comment that my life feels like a junk drawer...You know that drawer - the one that has odds and ends thrown into it, that never has an organizational scheme, the one that has hidden treasures or forgotten items...That is how my life has been feeling.


So I have spent some time thinking about it and why it feels that way; one of the first thoughts I had was that I wish life had a Container Store that had boxes and baskets of every size, shape, and color to organize everything that's going on.  (On a side note, I remember my first trip into the Container Store...my friend and I bought these tiny blue boxes that could only hold 3 M&Ms.  Fabulous!)  Anyways, the need to organize my life sent me on a different path...What do I need in my life?


What do I need in my life?


In response to this question, I truly began sifting through my thoughts - both the "junk" thoughts and the "not-so-junk" thoughts.  Then I began looking at my life:  What was causing this rift between thoughts?  How was I breaking them down into categories?  What was affecting how I was processing life and its events?  Needless to say, I felt like I was digging furiously through the draw in search of a key.  


The result says more about who I am than I could ever have imagined.  


For the last month, there have been several events that have caused me to wonder where I would be living after this summer - in terms of both the address and the city location...Now this is not something I take lightly.  I am a homebody at heart and would spend the majority of my time at home, if I could.  It is a safe place for me to explore and rest and regenerate for time outside my home.  I need a door that closes that makes me feel safe - not only physically, but especially emotionally.  Worrying about where I was going to live has occupied a large amount of my time since the turn of the calendar to 2012.  After this weekend, I was able to establish some clarity in my living situation for the rest of the year.  Immediately, an emotional burden was lifted, and I felt safe.  I felt hope.  I felt peace.


In answer to the question of what I need in life...I need home.  I need safety.  I need a place for me.  This helps me feel whole; I am able to take care of myself when I feel I have a home.  (I bet you can guess that January was not my best month for taking care of myself...)  I am not sure why this is so important to me, although being an introvert has to play a huge part...But it makes me think of the instructions you are given on airlines:  Put your oxygen mask on before helping others who may need assistance.  For years and years, I fought these instructions.  I couldn't see the value in taking care of myself first.  Now that I have started embracing this practice, I can say with confidence that I am a better friend, daughter, co-worker, and person in general.


What do you need from life?  What will help you to put on your oxygen mask first, so that you can assist others later?  What will help you to realize your value and potential?  Start with one thing...for me it's home...and use that one thing to build your safety and to allow for you to explore and embrace your identity.  Because you are worth it...and we all have a safe place.

Being Thankful

If my life were a weather pattern, this would be one of those windy, cold, rainy weeks.  (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here...for me, it would actually be hot instead of cold.)  Driving would be crazy, as people neglected to use common sense while they were on the road.  There would be complaints heard in office buildings throughout the city.  You really wouldn't want to leave your house, choosing instead to seek comfort and warmth...and hiding.  So what are we to do when we face a week when everything seems to be going the wrong way, or life is weighing on us, causing us to trudge through the mud?


Jump in a puddle.


Find a way to embrace joy in the moment.  Do you remember being a child and putting on your boots and raincoat, just to go search out the puddles during a rainstorm?  Do you remember standing outside when it was snowing, trying to catch a snowflake on your tongue?  Are you willing to remember?  What could this look like in our everyday lives?


I want to share with you a nugget of wisdom I have learned over the past year.  It is amazing and can change your life, if you let it...but, man, is it difficult.


Be thankful.


Right there, in the middle of your rainy moment, give thanks for something.  For me, this can look several different ways, depending on the weight of the moment.  Sometimes I simply say, "God, I know I'm supposed to thank you for something right now, but I don't know what I can be thankful for...so thank you that you are there."  Other times, I can be specific:    "Thank you for a family that loves and accepts me."  "Thank you for snow that was unexpected."


Why are these moments of thankfulness so important?  Perspective.  I've mentioned it before, but a change in perspective can mean a change in your world.  I think about the moments when I am not thankful...if I stay in that moment and choose to look in the mirror at myself (whether physically or metaphorically), I almost never see the good in my life...I see the struggle I have with my weight; I see the ways I've failed my friends and family; I see the regrets and the shames of my past.  


I truly believe that our mirrors (both physical and metaphorical) are a true reflection of our perspectives and positions in our own lives.  When I grab on to something for which I am thankful, I return joy to my life.  I step out of the blackness and into the light of truth, which can reveal more than I ever expected.  Being thankful expands not only my field of vision, but it also gives me permission to not focus on myself.  Then, if I happen to see myself in the mirror, I don't stop and stare/wallow.  I don't even stop to judge myself...I am too busy living my life and finding joy.


Are you willing to stop and be thankful in all the moments of your life?

Do You Believe?

If you have never seen a TED Talk, I highly recommend you visit their website.  There is a wealth of information and wisdom being discussed and shared by some of the most brilliant minds of our time.  


I just watched a TED Talk by Caroline Casey, a woman with whom I was not familiar, but one who just challenged me to change.  "I never needed eyes to see...I simply needed vision and belief."  By the time Caroline Casey said these words at the end of her talk, I knew who she was and what she stood for.  Caroline was raised with no labels and no limitations; her parents raised her to embrace her talents and abilities.  At the age of 17, she was told that she had been legally blind since birth ("I never needed eyes to see..."), but her parents never allowed for her to know that she "should be" limited by her physical disability - they raised her with the ability to believe that she could do anything she wanted to...they taught her to believe.


My first thought was this:  If my parents hadn't told me the truth about my "condition" for 17 years, that would mean they were liars.  (A little judgmental, I know...but I did move on quickly!)  My second thought was drastically different:  Wow.  She was not upset with her parents, but thankful for teaching her how to believe.  And not just the power to believe, but the amazing ability to believe in herself.  How long did I yearn for the desire to believe that I was worth something, that I had value, that I mattered.  


Now, Caroline did come upon some struggles later in life, but she discovered that she was believing in the wrong thing...she wasn't believing in herself, that all of her was enough.  How often does that happen?  Sitting here right now, I have been struggling to embrace all the different aspects of myself, knowing that I haven't been perfect today.  Do I believe that I am enough?  Caroline added that it's exhausting trying to be perfect when you're not.  Are you tired?  Is it more difficult to fight who you are or to accept it and embrace who you really are, imperfections and all?


How can we learn from Caroline Casey, a woman whose vision surpasses the limits of her eyes?  For me, I need to consider that only seeing with my eyes puts a constraint on the vision of my heart and soul.  I need to re-evaluate what I am looking for and how I am looking.  I need to let go of labels and limitations and believe in myself...embrace myself - mistakes, imperfections, and all.  I need to learn to believe in myself, to let go of the preconceived notions that I allow and use to hold me back from growth and vision.  I need to believe that I am enough.  


What do you need to believe?

Focus and Perspective

My mom challenged me the other day to pick a theme word for the upcoming year.  Out of a plethora of possibilities, I decided to choose the word FOCUS.  However, in thinking about focus, I realize that I also need to embrace perspective.


So why  FOCUS ? First of all, why not?!  We live in a large world with possibilities and distractions constantly bombarding our senses.  At some point, we need to filter out the excess.  I also want to choose to be clear about where I'm going, what I'm doing, and who I am.  This makes me think of my vision:  When my eyes are tired, I have trouble focusing them and need to wear glasses.  Often, I will experience some double vision, as my eyes try to work together.  To me, this exemplifies the role I need FOCUS to take in my life...I need focus to bring the different working parts of my life into the same line, for a stronger purpose.


I have found that being tired changes my ability to  FOCUS ...or rather, I let it change my ability.  Being true to the path takes attention to detail and energy, which are not always available resources.  I think this is where perspective comes into play.  As a perfectionist, I would rather choose to fail or stop something than to make a mistake.  (At least then it's my choice, and I am still perfect in my choices.)  The irony is that choosing to fail leads me down a different path than I choose to be on, and so I have to embrace perspective.  


For me, embracing perspective gives me the opportunity to step back from the path, even if it's just to pause along the way.  I choose to turn around and look at where I've been and where I'm going.  I don't live in the past or in the future, so moments away from the present allow me to remember why I am where I am today.  It is important for me to recognize that I am not only on my path, but also a path that is going somewhere, doing something...


So what do focus and perspective have to do with seeing yourself differently?  Maybe nothing...but if you're like me, maybe everything.  Like I said earlier, if I am tired, I experience bouts of double vision.  For me, I can experience emotional "double vision" when I fundamentally know something, but I cannot get past thinking of it in a certain way.  For example - without sounding egotistical - I know I am not ugly, but I struggle with seeing myself as anything but unattractive.  In fact, I refuse compliments, challenge others' opinions, and even describe myself negatively.  It was only recently that I stepped back from my view of myself and tried to see what others were talking about...I was so focused on what I was telling myself was the "truth", that I couldn't see what was real.  I had to change perspective, which for me demanded that I stopped defining my own personal beauty as physical.  


The transition was not immediate...but the effects were.  I have had many people stop me to comment that I am "carrying" myself differently now - that I seem different...and I am.  I am allowing myself to not focus inwardly on the negative, but to still maintain focus on the path I'm traveling.  This change in perspective has given me greater focus than I thought possible, because I am able to filter out the negative to define and travel a more narrow path.


So 2012 brings FOCUS into my life.  I am eager to see how and where I travel, knowing that I will be a better me at the end of the year!