"Working Hard to Stay Small"

Phenomenal.  I heard that quote in a TED Talk by Brene Brown today.  How often do I work hard to stay small, to stay unnoticed, to hide behind my actions or those around me?  What is it about myself that makes me think I don't deserve to be seen or heard or valued?


I am floored by how Dr. Brown discusses vulnerability and shame.  Her research started with shame, but moved towards vulnerability when she discovered that vulnerability is necessary for whole-hearted living.  (And who doesn't want to be fully engaged in their own life?!)  Vulnerability is not weakness, she states, but rather "vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage."  


How does my own shame hold me back from being courageous?  (Dr. Brown describes shame as feelings of "I am bad" and guilt as feelings of "I did something bad.")  I don't even know the answer to that question, but I know that I am held back.  So how do I address this in my life?

1. I will find value in who I am daily.  It will not always be profound, but I will purposefully identify a character trait in myself that has value.
2. I will not perform habitual behaviors, just because they are a part of my life.  Now, this one will take awhile, as I will need to discover which behaviors are merely habits, but I need to make sure my behaviors are choices and not just reactions.
3. I will stop doing the things in my life that make me feel bad about myself.  (This may tie directly to #2.) For me, eating is directly tied to self-worth, and I need to separate these in my own life.
4. I will try new things or even try things with a new perspective - choosing instead to let go of past experiences.
5. I will surround myself with a group that will help me by praying for and encouraging me to see myself the way they see me.

I realize this list is not finished, but it's a fabulous beginning.  I should not hide anymore or make myself small.  I have value...and so do you.

March Madness

This is one of my favorite times of the year...March Madness.  I love pretty much everything that comes with the NCAA Tournament.  However, it does bring out part of my bad side:  My competitive nature and my extreme dislike for losing and/or being wrong.


As the games start this week, I have been reminded of these aspects of my life and the negativity they bring into my life...and it has me thinking about how these attitudes affect other areas of my life (besides sports).


I think as young women, we are encouraged to be competitive, but almost in a manipulative, passive-aggressive way.  We learn so early to look at pictures of others and see the areas that we need to improve, and then point out the areas that they need to improve.  We learn how to give a back-handed compliment that has a biting judgment to it.  But this competitiveness does not accomplish much more than injuring all parties involved, whether known or not.  In fact, this competitiveness can develop into an aptitude for judgment.  It can also transform itself into a pit of feelings of inadequacy.


This is where I feel I have spent the majority of my life.  My competitive drive to win has always left me with a fear of losing or being wrong.  I developed a habit of quitting before that could ever be a possibility.  My battle with weight is the perfect example of this.  I have, like so many others, gained and lost weight at least a dozen times...but I never get to my goal because my fear of not reaching it is bigger than my need to accomplish it.  So I quit.  I have quit a lot of things in my life.  I am not proud of any of these moments, nor am I proud of this tendency in my character.  Learning to move beyond the fear is trying and difficult and some days, near impossible.


This is my own madness...I only wish it was March Madness!  I am at times so consumed with the desire to win that I say and/or do things that I later excuse as competitiveness.  I push and focus and drive towards my goal...then, just when it's in sight, I feel like I pull the emergency brake.  It's like I don't even test the regular breaks...I just panic...and assume the worst.  


So now I am left to wonder:  Would I be better suited for success if I stopped competing?  (Who am I even competing against?)  How would this change my life?  Would I slow down and enjoy the process?  Could I stop looking ahead and live in the present - moment by moment?  Despite the anxiety this initially brings into the forefront of my mind, I am aware of the promise of peace.


And who doesn't want peace in their lives?

I've Got Love on the Brain...

"Love is all you need..." ~ The Beatles


"Might as well face it, you're addicted to love..." ~ Robert Palmer


Love songs are pouring through my mind right now...There are so many love songs that speak of joy, hurt, experiences, and more.  I remember sitting around with my friends in junior high playing songs on repeat (Oh, the joy of CDs!) and talking about boys.  I remember singing songs in the car in high school with my friends, imagining what my first great love was going to be like.


Love has been on my mind recently...not because I'm in love or because I'm not in love, for that matter.  Honestly, I've been questioning how much I truly love myself, and whether I would equate that - or even compare that - to how much I love others.  I've spoken pretty openly about how important it is to take care of yourself, and over the past couple months, I have been struggling to do just that.  So in my non-stop pursuit of becoming healthier, I have run right into the wall of love.  Continuing this metaphor, I have run up and down the wall, trying to find a way to go around it.  I have looked to see if I could climb the wall, thus bypassing the topic as well.  It seems as though what is behind the wall of love is protected, and I must figure out how to open the door.  So I am trying to figure out if all this effort is worth it.


Have you been here?  Have you come up to a roadblock and had to determine if it was worth your efforts to push through the pain, the learning, the experience to get beyond?  What do you do if you're not sure what exactly there is on the other side???  


So, all these questions are rolling through my brain as I try to figure out how to first, find the door.  Then, when I do stumble upon a camouflaged door, I have to figure out how to open it, for I don't have a key...in fact, there is no keyhole.  So how do I get in?  How do I get through this?  How do I get through this?


And that is the desperate question that has finally given me some hope.  Because I have finally been honest in my search.  I am not trying to ignore the wall.  I am not trying to bypass this part of my life.  I am truly looking for the answer.