I fell down about a month ago. I was standing in the aisle of my church, talking with some friends, and then I wasn't standing anymore. (It really is that simple of an explanation...I could tell you I shifted my weight, rolled my ankle back and forth and then fell, but the details don't change the fact that I was standing, and then I wasn't.) I was quickly surrounded by friends way better than I deserve...who I pretty much tried to get to leave, but who instead stayed and gave me the support I was fighting (but desperately needed!).
I am still thoroughly embarrassed at the amount of attention my fall garnered, but I am also embarrassed by my reaction. Hi, my name is Eden...I do not know how to accept help. I grew up a people pleaser, often finding a way to take care of others without them necessarily needing help. I was quick to shift focus and attention on others. I don't know if I ever learned how to receive someone else's good intentions.
I'm fairly certain that there is not a good explanation for my unwillingness to accept help - or rather, my need to fight accepting help before I finally acquiesce. I completely understand that I cannot do everything myself. And while I'm sure pride plays it's part, I'm not convinced that it runs the show. I think accepting help (or not accepting help, in my case) is more indicative of my feelings about my own self-worth. In true "Better Mirror" fashion, I can't stop thinking about that reflection: When I truly look at myself, am I a person who deserves help and support when needed?
Like I mentioned before, I eventually accepted the help of one of my closest friends after I had fallen. She knows my struggles with self-esteem and knows that I often see myself as a burden on others if I can't take care of myself. She took charge of the situation and didn't ask me if I needed anything...she saw me as a person worthy of love, care, and support and gave it to me willingly. As embarrassed as I was, I eventually stopped fighting the help and said a simple "thank you."
It has me once again considering who I see when I look in a mirror. Am I a person worthy of love, care, and support? Do I deserve good things? Do I deserve people in my life who want to be there themselves (and not just who I want to be there...)?
Of course the answer is yes! But I can't help but wonder when I will start to see myself that way...
