Breaking Habits and Embracing Traditions

I recently went on a road trip to Colorado.  It had been years since I last drove across the state of Nebraska into Eastern Colorado.  A week later, I made the return trip home.  First, let me say that I don't anticipate driving that distance again (at least not both ways) next year.  Second, let me recommend listening to an audio-book, as it helps time pass more quickly.  What I really want to talk about, however, is the return trip home.


Over the past few months, I have been working at breaking life-long habits that do not support my current ideal of being healthy and taking care of myself.  My progress has ebbed and flowed, which has not been my favorite, but it has allowed me to continuously grow and demonstrate the desire to grow.   Habits can be both good and bad, but I associate habits with not having to think.  So I have been trying to break both good and bad habits because I want to think.  I want to be present and engaged in my life.  I want to make decisions.


With that being said, the past few months have been challenging for me.  There has been a lot of "hurry up and wait" moments.  There have been a large amount of decisions made by other people over the past few months directly impacted my life.  Planning for an unknown future can make it hard to live in the present.  (And I struggled - I'm not going to lie.  I felt that I had to choose how to take care of myself, and I chose to focus on my mental and emotional health.  I feel like I am now able to take care of myself more wholly, which is definitely a good thing.)  It is most definitely difficult to be consistently present when you are looking ahead.  


So being present, breaking habits, and taking care of myself has been on my brain.  The car ride home provided me with an intriguing contrast to being present...My brother and I were well-versed in road-trip "parent-isms".  Periodically, one of us would throw out a comment that would make both of us chuckle and remember our parents fondly.  (My favorite, by the way, is when we cross back into Nebraska saying, "Ah, the good life."  I smiled just typing that!)  


Our family is big on tradition.  (Because we're Presbyterian?  Irish?  Not quite sure why...)  If there is a way that we can repeat an awesome moment of a celebration, we will.  We like to remember.  We like to connect and celebrate.  But in my quest to be present by breaking habits, I had to question whether it was good for me to celebrate traditions of the past. 


My internal debate was quite short:  I am choosing to embrace traditions.  For me, traditions do not represent living in the past, but instead remembering.  Traditions provide me with the opportunity to think and choose whether to continue to celebrate occasions.  The key for me is that when I take part in a tradition - whether singing the Rock Chalk chant or hanging stockings by the fireplace - I make a choice.  I recognize the opportunity to do these mindlessly, but I rarely do.  I love remembering the past and connecting it to where I am now.  I look for opportunities to embrace traditions in my current - or new - settings and personalize them.  I love to share traditions, so others can grow with me.


I am quite sure that some traditions could fade into habits.  The good thing about this is that I'm breaking habits.  

Contemplating WANT vs. NEED

To say that the past couple weeks have been thought-provoking would be an understatement of the grandest kind.  I have had more than one discussion about how to figure out what you want to do in life, once you get past all the things you "need" to do...


This blog by Jon Acuff was ridiculously compelling:  Play to the size of your heart, not to the size of the crowd.  That observation was the catalyst for two weeks of discussing the same topic in bible study (which we don't often do).  Two weeks of analyzing my thoughts and actions to see if my heart is the same no matter at what location I have "checked in."  Two weeks of figuring out what my basic needs are and how they are being met.  Two weeks of trying to determine what I want to do next...


So when you get to the point where you are able to meet your basic needs - food, shelter, clothing, etc. - what do you do?  How do you figure out what you're supposed to do next?  Who do you listen to?  The questions become like an avalanche - quickly gaining momentum and building into a potentially destructive force.


The opposite of the desire of my heart.  


And therein lies my answer.  Stop the questions from flowing so freely.  Stop searching continuously for answers from other resources, other people.  Stop.  Slow down.  Rest.  


At the point that I realized my thoughts -  which were supposed to be guiding me down a path of fulfillment and destiny (I can't decide if those last three words should be read with a sarcastic voice or a deep, masculine voice-over voice...) - were becoming self-destructive, I made a conscious choice to stop thinking about what I want to do.  I don't know if everyone's brain is hard-wired to take an idea and let it spin out of control, or if I'm just special that way...but the results can be overwhelming, making it so much easier to stop making choices, to stop acting...just to stop the thinking.  (Which, by the way, makes me think of Mandy Moore's character in Because I Said So as she was breaking up with the guy from That Thing You Do: "And who wants someone who doesn't think?"  However, in my mind, this becomes...Who wants to be someone who doesn't think?  Right now, I want to be that person because for me, thinking can be dangerous and develop a life of its own.)


And once you stop making choices, the thoughts have won, and life has become devoid of purpose.  I have lived in this state (lack of purpose) at various times in my life.  One of my friends described it this way:  I keep living and planning for the next thing to get done.  Race done - check.  Now onto the next thing.  While moving from task or action to the next is not always a bad thing, if we're constantly waiting for the next "thing" to take place, are we ever really living? Are we missing out on what is going on around us?  Are we missing great opportunities to be present and experience life?


So I am slowing down and working on making choices to be present.  I'm making choices to change things I don't like and to embrace those things I do.  I am engaging in my life, rather than passively participating.  And I am trying to be aware - of my surroundings, of those around me, and of what each moment is asking from me.  Even to my ears, it sounds a little too poetic, too "out there."  However, I have no problem being described as poetry in motion (a phrase attributed to some of the best athletes in the world), even if it's not a physical description.


I watched a TED Talk today (one of my favorite discoveries of this past year) by Jacqueline Novogratz about living a life of immersion, becoming agents of change, not charity.  She says at the beginning of the talk, "Your job is not to be perfect - it's to be human."  Like she suggests, I want to have the audacity to believe I deserve great things and the humility to acknowledge I can't do it alone.  


With that, I have discovered that, right now, what I want most is to rest in the arms of Christ and to let his embrace give me the power and love to be a human in pursuit of perfection, holding tight His grace of my imperfections.  I want to... Stop.  Rest.  Listen.  Love.  Be Present.

Contagious celebrations

Today's blog post will be short.  Why (you might be thinking)?  Because I'm off to a party...but not just any party.  I'm going to join the celebration of my mom's amazing teaching career.  


What I am most excited to see is something I hope you can relate to:  I am joyously anxious to watch everyone lavish praise on my mom.  I find overwhelming joy in watching the people I love get celebrated.  For instance, today on facebook, there have been four different posts about my mom's last day of teaching.  Each one has been "liked" and commented on by former students, coworkers, and people who have met my mom.  I have found myself frantically checking my wall all day, so that I can keep up with who is acknowledging this milestone in my mom's life.  My mom also called today to share a surprise that she got from her 8th grade geometry class.  It was such a fun phone call to receive!


I truly hope you find yourself in a position to celebrate with others...and to take joy in the festivity!  That selfless pleasure is fulfilling and contagious. 


And who doesn't want to be a person who is filled with joy and loves sharing it with others? 

A Girl Needs Her Beauty Sleep

I established this crazy sleep pattern in college that has continued into my thirties:  I get as much done as I can during the week...even staying up "past my bedtime" on weeknights to read or catch up on DVR or whatever.  Then, on glorious Saturday mornings, I sleep until I wake up, which can be as early as 10 or as late as 1, depending on what my previous week has looked like.  It has generated some discussion among friends, family members, coworkers, etc., who all have opinions on how I choose to spend my time.

The fact of the matter is that I respect most of these opinions without agreeing with them...a perfectly healthy option!  This has been a huge lesson for me:  that I do not have to feel guilt or shame about my choices, even when someone else makes a different choice that comes with fabulous results.  The beauty of our making choices is not only the empowerment of taking care of ourselves, but also the celebration of the successes of others.

But I digress...

I am in the middle of a sleep lull, and it is affecting several different aspects of my life.  My title was written in jest, but the truth is that I do need beauty sleep:  I need to rest in order to take care of my mental and emotional health...and this greatly affects my inner beauty.  (On a side note, I am becoming more aware of the physical effects of sleep deprivation.)

One of the most overwhelming lack-of-sleep obstacles has been how I make choices.   I wrote about it in an earlier post, and I am echoing - and confirming - my thoughts:  I hate making choices when I am tired.  I read a summary on cnn.com of a study about the relationship between sleep deprivation and depression in teenagers.  There is a high correlation between the two:  Thirty percent of teenagers below the recommended average of hours of sleep per night show strong symptoms of depression.   Thirty-two percent showed symptoms of depression.  Let me restate:  That is nearly two-thirds of those studied who demonstrated symptoms of depression when lacking sleep.  That is a huge relationship, even though the degrees of depression differ. 

A quick trip over to WebMD gave me a list of symptoms of depression: 

• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

• fatigue and decreased energy

• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

• insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

• irritability, restlessness

• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

• overeating or appetite loss

• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

• thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Even when considering one of these symptoms, I am overwhelmed with the obstacles that exist to block our path to health.  The mental strength and focus necessary to pursue taking care of oneself can seem so unattainable on a good day, but on a sleepy day, that same fortitude can seem impossibly beyond reach...a cycle that once began can take even more willpower to break.  The link between depression and lack of sleep appears even more daunting...


So I choose to sleep.  I know I'm not a princess, nor do I want to be...but I long to be healthy.  And a healthy girl needs her beauty sleep, too!  

Vocabulary Lessons

There are certain words that automatically bring me back to high school English classes.  "Rumination" is one of them.  I literally remember having the discussion about a cow chewing his/her cud.  "Morass" is another, because what word can make a high school-er giggle than a word that contains a swear word and means swamp?  


As I sit down today, I have been processing certain specific words and their meaning in my life.  My words lately seem to revolve around being present and thoughtful.  I am constantly hearing and using the word choice...but never when I need to make a choice.  I like to contemplate being purposeful, intentional in my actions...when I'm not actually doing anything.


So how do words and thoughts become actions and happenings?  This is the dilemma that has been plaguing me for the past couple weeks.  Not only do I have high hopes of making change in my life, but I have high expectations as to when these should be accomplished.  


And then I do something.  Some would call it making a choice, but I am struggling with that label, as there is often no conscious thought backing it up.  Or rather I should say, there is no purposeful thought behind it...because I can feel myself thinking at the time.  And I can feel myself thinking during the action.  Afterwards, however, I look at that and ask myself why I never stopped or changed course or did something!  


I so want to be purposeful and present in everything I do, but I allow habits and mindlessness to rule my behavior.  I want to do more than talk about this and acknowledge this:  I want to change.  Do you hear me, self?  I want to change!  I need to change!  I desire the results, and I'm willing to put in the work, too.  But I need to know when to work and how to work. I need more than myself, and I don't know where that more comes from.  There are obvious answers to that - with the main one being God.  And I do believe that God helps us - please don't doubt me on this...but I also know God gives us free will...meaning choices...and we need to come to Him...meaning awareness.  This is my struggle:  Awareness of choice.  


Words have power.  Does action have greater power?    

I Feel Badly for Pennies

So, I feel badly for pennies.  Don't worry - I feel badly for nickels and dimes, too.  (Oddly enough, I don't feel badly for quarters.  I think that is mostly due to the recent state quarters that had my whole family searching for an Iowa P quarter for nearly a year, but I digress...)  So often these coins are carelessly dropped on the ground or given as a tip when they are the remainder of a purchase at a local coffee shop.  My odd empathy for these coins developed last week when I cashed in my piggy bank.  

I have this beautifully decorated piggy bank that stores all my coins.  I live on a cash system, so at the end of each month, I put all of my remaining coins into the yellow pig.  When the pig is full, I take it to the bank.  My months of collecting coins netted $87.60.  I was astonished - it's not a large piggy bank by any means, but that yellow pig held coins that together had high value.

Sometimes I feel like I am a penny or a nickel - maybe even a dime.  I feel like the leftover or the casually-dropped person in the room.  I feel like I don't have value.  I have recently read a few articles that debated stopping the production of coins, especially pennies.  In light of my recent empathetic revelation, I can't help but feel like there could be people who don't want me around either.  It's hard not to succumb to those feelings of lack of worth and value.

As a single woman in her mid-thirties, I have had the amazing opportunity to watch my friends meet their soul mates and start families.  Along with this opportunity, however, comes an almost constant pressure (whether from myself or others, it is the same) to find someone with whom to share my life.  Now, this sounds like a great idea, and I'd love to do that should the opportunity present itself, but it also lends itself to the thinking that I can't have a full life alone.  Now, I truly don't want to have a pity party here...I have learned to love my life as a singleton, and I love being part of the families of all my friends.  

The truth is there is strong value in a group, a family, a couple, etc.  Often, when these people come together, it is for a purpose, and their shared effort and devotion affect change.  There is power in numbers - it's a cliche for a reason.  Membership in the collective doesn't, however, diminish the value of the individual.  And I think that is where I have landed:  Yes, a dollar has more numeric value than a penny, dime, nickel or even quarter, but you can not get to the whole without accounting for the parts.  They all have value, no matter what the number assigned to them may be.  

So I may be just a penny...but my dad is a coin collector, and he has several pennies with more value than initially thought...just like me. 

"Working Hard to Stay Small"

Phenomenal.  I heard that quote in a TED Talk by Brene Brown today.  How often do I work hard to stay small, to stay unnoticed, to hide behind my actions or those around me?  What is it about myself that makes me think I don't deserve to be seen or heard or valued?


I am floored by how Dr. Brown discusses vulnerability and shame.  Her research started with shame, but moved towards vulnerability when she discovered that vulnerability is necessary for whole-hearted living.  (And who doesn't want to be fully engaged in their own life?!)  Vulnerability is not weakness, she states, but rather "vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage."  


How does my own shame hold me back from being courageous?  (Dr. Brown describes shame as feelings of "I am bad" and guilt as feelings of "I did something bad.")  I don't even know the answer to that question, but I know that I am held back.  So how do I address this in my life?

1. I will find value in who I am daily.  It will not always be profound, but I will purposefully identify a character trait in myself that has value.
2. I will not perform habitual behaviors, just because they are a part of my life.  Now, this one will take awhile, as I will need to discover which behaviors are merely habits, but I need to make sure my behaviors are choices and not just reactions.
3. I will stop doing the things in my life that make me feel bad about myself.  (This may tie directly to #2.) For me, eating is directly tied to self-worth, and I need to separate these in my own life.
4. I will try new things or even try things with a new perspective - choosing instead to let go of past experiences.
5. I will surround myself with a group that will help me by praying for and encouraging me to see myself the way they see me.

I realize this list is not finished, but it's a fabulous beginning.  I should not hide anymore or make myself small.  I have value...and so do you.