Success vs. Failure

The irony is not lost on me that I am writing a post on success/failure after a very long absence from my blog.  In fact, I am struggling not to giggle...a very freeing response.  Let me tell you why...

I was recently asked to make a list of successes and failures - in essence to define success and failure - with particular emphasis on my own personal successes and failures.  I had 2 weeks to complete this "assignment".  

The first week was fraught with tension, an inner struggle hellbent on not wanting to define failure but also determined not to fail this task.  There was a whole lot of ignoring the reality (during the second week) that this activity could - and, in my case, most definitely would - have immediate implications in how I chose to view myself, interact with myself, define myself...

Last night was my due date.  And I had firmly blocked everything out of my mind until I came face-to-face with my "teacher", if you will...

(I am totally going to mix metaphors here, but this assignment and due date do create a sense of crossover.)  

I delivered.  Oh, boy, did I deliver.  And metaphorically, it was a 9 lb. 6 oz. gorgeous baby.  (That was my birth weight, by the way.  I owe my mom a whole lot, I know.)  Anyways, I had this gorgeous epiphany that I shall now share with you.

There is only one true and complete failure in (my) life...

The only true failure I could fathom is turning away from God.  Now walk with me for a moment, here.  There are a whole horde of things that I can fail at - and I have, in fact, had too many failed attempts to count.  But the truth, MY TRUTH - even more so, GOD'S TRUTH - is that every failed attempt, every sin, every bad thing is an opportunity for growth, for redemption, and for God's grace to take over.  

I have the opportunity to change with every failed attempt - with every mistake.  And make no mistake, there is freedom in that.  There is a beautiful freedom in knowing that no mistake can take you from the love of God.  In fact, God's love might even propel you into growing from that experience.  

Growth is not easy.  Those awkward teenage years are proof of that.  Heck, my twenties and early thirties are proof of that.  But growth is necessary; it is rewarding; and it is responsive - a true response to God's freedom, love, and grace.

So, as I'm discussing all of this with my teacher, I continued to deliver...I am not a failure.  I may make failed attempts, but they don't define me.  I am not a failure.  I might feel like a failure, but those feelings don't define me, either.  In fact, I need to process all those mistakes and emotions (anger, grief, shame, embarrassment) to grow.  (Just like I need to process the feelings of success - happy, proud, excited.)  But I myself am not anger.  I am not embarrassment.  I am not shame.  (Nor am I happy.  Or pride.  Or excitement.)  I am free to make mistakes and grow.

So back to my earlier giggles...The freedom to laugh at failing at my attempts to blog regularly is growth.  5 years ago - 2 years ago, even - I would have seen myself as a failure.  And THAT is a true success.

Gift-wrapping

I love wrapping presents, but I am not very good at it.  I do not like when the paper doesn't lay flat and tight to the package, and I have become convinced that I am not using the right quality of wrapping paper.  I have 2 aunts who wrap packages most beautifully...to the point that the packages themselves are works of art.  (It's no wonder my Nana used to take so long unwrapping presents at Christmas!!)  My presents do not look like that - even when I use gift bags!

On Monday, I was having a conversation about how I am a gift (as is each person) whose value is not determined by the person who receives the present.  You see, I can see myself as a gift in the company of certain people - because they value me like a gift.  But there are others who I have a hard time feeling valuable around...am I still a gift then?  

The answer to that question is yes.  My value is not determined by others (or a number as I discussed in my previous post) or by what I do.  I am a gift because I am intentional, personal, thoughtful, and so much more.  I am a gift whether I choose to use those attributes in certain settings or not.  (I can be present without being a gift...I am LOVING that play on words.)  

Now, even as I'm typing this entry, I am struggling with the words.  I get that I have value and am a gift no matter who I am with or where I am.  But...I get that more theoretically than I do practically.  It's hard to embrace that reality in the midst of a situation where you don't feel valuable.  

Now back to the conversation on Monday...the person I was talking to said that there are specific situations you can't help what mirror you see your reflection in - like when you are a child growing up:  Your family is the best way to see your reflection, and the values and priorities that are emphasized are seen when you look at yourself.  Then, she went on to say (I kid you not!)...

As you get older, you have to figure out what mirror you are going to look in to see yourself.  Sometimes the mirrors we are around most often do not accurately reflect back to us who we are, what we value, and where, in fact, our value lies.  When we find ourselves in those situations, you have to find a better mirror.

A Better Mirror.  This was said by someone who does not know I write this blog.  And that is how I know I am on the right path in life.  I am talking with and putting myself in situations where I am being encouraged to find a way to see my true reflection:  A Better Mirror.

So, when I think of myself as a gift, and I'm not happy with how I'm gift-wrapped or how the edges aren't crisp or the decorations aren't perfect, I need to remember that I can choose to find a different way of looking at myself...I need to search out the mirror that truly reflects who I am.   

Letting Go of Numbers

I am a pretty mathematical thinker.  I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I have a pretty strong math lineage - my mom was a math teacher, and my dad was an engineer.  I grew up "seeing" math everywhere, and to this day, I find it difficult to not try to point it out to everyone! I love looking at life for patterns and looking at patterns for life!  I take dates and try to make math problems out of them.  I enjoy numbers, and thinking about them has been a way of life for me.

With that being said, I have a serious problem with numbers.  

Yesterday, I stood in front of my mirror, and I had what I think is a profound, and potentially life-changing thought...at least, for me.  Before I get there, let me throw out some significant numbers:

0
0
35
68
??? (Doesn't really matter what the actual number is...)
*** (Just pretend you know...or insert your own here...)

Now, back to my profound and life-changing thought.  It was one of those that just popped in my head without any lead-in...one that I haven't been able to stop thinking about since yesterday.  Are you ready?

I am not defined by any number.  Or rather, my value cannot be determined by a number.

Seriously?  Where did that come from?  I was literally looking at myself in the mirror when I had that thought.  And I don't think that was a coincidence.

As I tried to explain before, my mind looks for the logic and pattern in life by searching out numbers.  I like to be able to wrap my head around concepts by quantifying them or finding similarities and patterns...or even through problem solving - looking for a solution!  I love math and how it affects life.

Realizing yesterday that I was trying to find my own value through mathematical logic has shaken up my world. I cannot be defined by these numbers:


0 - How many times I've been married, and consequently, the number of years I've been married
0 - The number of children I have 
35 - My age
68 - My height
??? (Doesn't really matter what the actual number is...) - My IQ
*** (Just pretend you know...or insert your own here...) - My weight
Or any other numeric category I can put myself in...

If not numbers, however, then what?  (Did you see that "If, then" statement there...still thinking mathematically?!)  How do I shift my paradigm and see myself differently?  

As I continue to process how to determine my value, I am able to separate some thoughts.  First, my value is not based on what I do.  I cannot achieve or diminish my value by the choices I make.  I do, however, want my choices to reflect not only my value, but what I value.  Second, my value cannot be assigned to me by another.  If this were the case, my value would probably rise and fall like a volatile stock price.  Third, I know without a doubt that I have God-given value, but I don't want to take that as a stock answer or take it for granted:  I want to understand the value God has given me.  Finally, I am nowhere near done with this process.  My mind was kind of blown away by all of this yesterday, and I feel like I'm just waking up from a deep sleep...

The irony that I had this thought while looking in a mirror is not lost on me as I write this blog.  FINALLY, the mirror I own is becoming a better one.  Or maybe the user is just figuring out how to correctly see things in it.

No Explanation is Good Enough

I fell down about a month ago.  I was standing in the aisle of my church, talking with some friends, and then I wasn't standing anymore.  (It really is that simple of an explanation...I could tell you I shifted my weight, rolled my ankle back and forth and then fell, but the details don't change the fact that I was standing, and then I wasn't.)  I was quickly surrounded by friends way better than I deserve...who I pretty much tried to get to leave, but who instead stayed and gave me the support I was fighting (but desperately needed!).

I am still thoroughly embarrassed at the amount of attention my fall garnered, but I am also embarrassed by my reaction. Hi, my name is Eden...I do not know how to accept help.  I grew up a people pleaser, often finding a way to take care of others without them necessarily needing help.  I was quick to shift focus and attention on others.  I don't know if I ever learned how to receive someone else's good intentions.

I'm fairly certain that there is not a good explanation for my unwillingness to accept help - or rather, my need to fight accepting help before I finally acquiesce.  I completely understand that I cannot do everything myself.  And while I'm sure pride plays it's part, I'm not convinced that it runs the show.  I think accepting help (or not accepting help, in my case) is more indicative of my feelings about my own self-worth.  In true "Better Mirror" fashion, I can't stop thinking about that reflection:  When I truly look at myself, am I a person who deserves help and support when needed?  

Like I mentioned before, I eventually accepted the help of one of my closest friends after I had fallen.  She knows my struggles with self-esteem and knows that I often see myself as a burden on others if I can't take care of myself.  She took charge of the situation and didn't ask me if I needed anything...she saw me as a person worthy of love, care, and support and gave it to me willingly.  As embarrassed as I was, I eventually stopped fighting the help and said a simple "thank you."  

It has me once again considering who I see when I look in a mirror.  Am I a person worthy of love, care, and support?  Do I deserve good things?  Do I deserve people in my life who want to be there themselves (and not just who I want to be there...)?  

Of course the answer is yes!  But I can't help but wonder when I will start to see myself that way...      

Feeling Insignificant...And a Snow Day

There are so many times in life where it is easy to feel insignificant.  It really doesn't take a specific setting for this to happen, although - for me - there are some key ingredients:

• Being alone in a large group
• Not being listened to or heard
• Only being seen by what is on the outside
• Feeling inferior in any way
• Other ways that are recognizable but hard to explain

Usually, feelings of insignificance come when I am around a group of people with a trait or ability I admire but do not have.  Sometimes, I may have those qualities, but not at what I would consider an admirable level.

Take, for instance, an experience I've had this past week...I recently joined a free online college course at Coursera.  The class is E-Learning and Digital Cultures at the University of Edinburgh.  There are over 40,000 people registered for this course.  We have a designated course website, but we are invited to interact on all social media outlets a course hashtag.  I have been following course interaction on twitter, and I am overwhelmed by the thoughts and sheer volume of tweets that this course is generating.  In the course of a week, I have gone from feeling like I am on the cusp of learning by taking an online course to feeling like I have no fresh ideas...and to feeling insignificant.  The irony of feeling insignificant in this course is that it is designed to help us make connections at a global level and to become as involved as we want to be.  My vulnerabilities are becoming more apparent as I process my reactions to this course.

I am not sure how I will continue to process feeling like a small duck on a big pond, but I do know that I can't let this opportunity pass me by:  I need to not only allow myself to be vulnerable in this class, but I also need to learn how to make learning connections at a global level.  I have nothing to be afraid of or ashamed by in my learning process.  I actually should find courage in how I am letting growth into my life.  

Regardless of how I end up feeling about e-learning and/or digital cultures, I will say this:

I am not insignificant.  And being part of a global community does not mean that my voice is unimportant.  In fact, I would argue that it is even more imperative for me to find my voice in this world.  (I'm not sure why, but I would guess that by empowering myself, I could better help others find their place in this world...just a guess, though.)


On a totally unrelated note...We had a snow day this week.  I didn't know until that day how much I needed a day off - mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I obviously haven't been paying attention to my body, and I need to do a better job with that.

The Importance of Friends

I had a text conversation with two of my best friends over lunch today.  And yesterday.  And possibly the day before.  Today, we were talking about a book we are all reading.  I was laughing and smiling each time my text music played.  Sometimes, I am surprised by the texts; other times, I am giggling that we know each other so well.  

There are so many cliches about friendship, and I think they are there to prove a point:

We need friends in our lives.  (And sometimes we have a hard time expressing what they mean to us without invoking the emotions of that old Folgers commercial where Peter comes home for Christmas and surprises his mom by making her coffee.)

This same group of gals that I was texting and I have a bible study that meets weekly at Starbucks.  We started meeting regularly over 6 years ago...But it wasn't automatic...and it wasn't easy.

It was necessary.  I had just moved back to Nebraska after living in Minnesota for 6 years.  I adored (and still do!) my friends there, and many were in the same situations as I was in, but I felt God calling me home.  I really didn't have any close friends in Nebraska anymore, and I was not looking forward to being lonely.  So I started looking for people who I wanted to be like and who I thought would make me a better person.  Then, I awkwardly asked them if they wanted to be in a bible study with me.  We started to meet, and I know those first few months were not smooth, but they happened.  Over the next few months, we developed a pattern.  Even more importantly, however, we built trust and friendship.  We found out who the others were and looked to support each other in tangible ways.  

As time has passed, we have each commented on how much we needed this in our lives.  Each of us had been praying for a group of friends, and God figured out a way to bring us together.  We thank God regularly for answering those prayers.

I was originally going to write about how we need to be good friends to ourselves - and we do! - but often that is not enough.  We need to have people around us who make us better...who challenge us...who hold us accountable...who hold us when we can't find strength...who we can be around with no expectations.  We need that group of friends who knows us and loves us anyways.  

I have been blessed with fabulous friends.  And I look forward to the next round of texts and lattes and whatever else comes our way!

Dead Fish in a Messy Room

I gave a speech in 7th grade detailing the true story from my past.  (The speech required the use of a sign/prop, and I created my own using cotton balls.  I got teased about that even through high school...)  Ordinarily, cleaning a messy room would not result in speech class inspiration, but this was no ordinary chore...

I was in third grade, and my mom and dad gave me a fish tank for Easter.  (See - it's already a great story!)  My brother - big spender that he was - gave me 8 fish for my tank.  By the end of that month, or maybe the next, I was done being a pet owner.  I did not like the fish or having to clean the tank.  At this point, I must admit that I wanted the fish to die...not my proudest moment.  Luckily, the fish did not feel unwanted, for they seemed to live forever.  A few months later, after several fish had died, I noticed one of the fish was missing.  I came up with all sorts of scenarios for how the fish disappeared: The fish had died, and my parents removed it without my knowing; one of the remaining fish had eaten the missing fish; or perhaps the fish had been sucked into the filter.  Whatever the cause, it remained a mystery to me.  

Flash forward:  A couple weeks later, I was cleaning my room...Now, it's important to note here that I had a very wonderful system for cleaning my room:  I would push the debris into equal-sized, evenly-spaced piles on the floor of my room, and I would sit down and go through the piles, creating more sub-piles to put away.  (Apparently, I had a very messy room!)  So, after the pile-making, I sat down to go through one when I noticed that I had sat on something.  I stood up and brushed off my behind, sending something fuzzy across the room.  I went over to see what it was, and I ran out of my room shouting.  In case you haven't figured it out, I had sat on my dead, moldy/fuzzy fish.  Remember that it had been a couple of weeks since the fish disappeared.  (Now you see where the cotton in my speech came from:  I drew a fish and glued the cotton over the body, so only the head and tail were visible.)  I'm still not sure if the fish jumped out of the tank or what, but this story has stuck with me for a long time...

Over the past couple weeks, I have been remembering this story quite often.  There are times when I am cleaning my home that feel like I am just making a bigger mess.  It could be my method (see above), but I often feel like things get messier before they can be clean.  

This is how I feel mentally and emotionally right now.  I know I am not at my best in any aspect of my life, but I feel like I am going through a spring cleaning - emotionally, mentally, and physically, perhaps even spiritually.  I have every hope and confidence that I will end up on the brighter side of life, with my heart, body and soul more in tact and healthy than before.  To get to that point, however, I feel like my heart and soul are in piles across the floor.  

At times, I have not wanted to approach these piles.  Wouldn't it just be easier to leave things messy than to put them in their proper place?  But I have done enough "surface cleaning" in my life...If I truly want to get rid of the mess, I have to get dirty and go through the piles.

I just have to be on the lookout for the hidden fish on the floor...

I Killed Spiders in My Dream

I am not a person who dreams at night.  I rarely wake up feeling like I have been dreaming.  I could propose several different theories, but none of them make sense to me - especially given my overactive daytime brain activities!  So it was a huge surprise to me last night when I woke up at least 5 different times with vivid dreams.  Each dream was different, but there was a common theme:  overcoming an obstacle.  

For those of you who know me well, the fact that at least 2 dreams spotlighted on spiders will not shock you.  What shocked me about these dreams was that I purposefully went to the spiders (and these were not small, easy to kill spiders, by the way) and bravely, if not confidently, killed them.  Oh the lessons I could learn from my dreams...

As I have been preparing for 2013, I have been preparing myself for the mental and emotional challenges that have prevented me from finishing goals in my past.  The fact that I was brave and confident about achieving a goal is not lost on me, as that has not been my style.  I tend to be bold at the beginning and fade at the end, but I am working on changing that.  I very rarely face my fears without hesitation and with enthusiasm.  (I even more rarely kill spiders without trying to get someone else to do it for me!)

So often, when I talk about dreams, I am thinking about the future and what that might hold for me, if I were to focus my attention on achieving them.  My dreams tend to be theoretical and full of possibilities, but there is always an undercurrent of impossibility flowing in my dreams.  There is always a sense of fantasy surrounding even my most realistic dreams, and I think, when I dream, I subconsciously accept that the majority of these dreams will never come to pass.  

I have been processing how I would respond to someone else if they were to dream big and accept mediocrity.  I know I would be there to encourage and support my friends as they pursued a dream...but what would I do if someone with a dream felt they could never achieve it and gave up before they tried?   I'm that pushy friend who will ask a ton of questions in an attempt to discover why the dream "cannot be achieved".  I'm that cheering friend who will find a way to be present and be positive as even the tiniest of steps is taken.  I'm that sensitive friend who will change subjects (momentarily - not permanently) when a setback has come up...but I'm still that same pushy and cheering friend, and I will bring the dream back into focus.

Why is it that I have not done that for myself?  Why would I not be as pushy, as cheerful, and as sensitive to me when I would be that for most people I meet?  I noticed something interesting as I wrote earlier.  When I wrote the phrase "to discover why the dream 'cannot be achieved'", I first wrote "why the dream isn't important enough".  I don't know if I can even fully appreciate the implications of my first phrase!  Have I been placing subconscious judgments on my dreams?  On myself?  

With all these questions flowing in my head, I know one thing.  I want to be the person who confidently, without hesitation, faces my fears and achieves my dreams.  I want to be a fearless dreamer.  (I still, however, don't want those dreams to involve spiders.)

When Ideas Pop in My Head

During my waking hours, I have a constant stream of ideas flowing through my mind.  Quite often, I ignore these thoughts and choose to focus on the task at hand or something else.  Occasionally, though, I catch one of my thoughts in the moment, and I am compelled to stop and process the thought.  

I was getting ready for church on Sunday morning when one of these thoughts passed through my mind:

"Just because you don't have children doesn't mean that you lack incentive for leading a life of character."  

I was floored by this topic, as it seemingly came out of nowhere.  (After some process time, I am guessing that it reflected two separate conversations I had with my parents where we discussed other parents who had made decisions that could impact their children in a negative way.)  I remember looking at myself in the mirror - which, as you all know, is not one of my favorite activities - as I tried to make sure I had "heard" myself correctly.  I spent the rest of the morning considering not only the challenge before me, but the unspoken condition of me lacking incentive.

I have mentioned before my previous thoughts on airline instructions to put your oxygen mask on before you help someone else.  (For a long time, this did not make sense to me.  I confess that I still struggle with this concept in my everyday life.)  I immediately began to incorporate this into my processing of my morning's thought.  So often, when I think of taking care of myself, I have put it into the context of "...so I can take care of someone/thing else" - like there was a condition to or requirement for my taking care of myself.  

If I remove others from my health equation, do I still need to be healthy?

Mind blown.  I hadn't realized how conditional my health had become to me.  Even without knowing what my "conditions" were, I was subconsciously making personal choices based on their role in my life.  I had to ask myself:  What is my motivation for being healthy?  Can I be healthy when I think no one is looking?  Will I choose health because it's the right thing to do?

That last question has weighed heavy on my mind since Sunday.  As I mentioned last week, I am adopting the word finish as my theme for 2013.  I have tossed around the idea of adjusting it to complete because I want that to reflect not only my desire to finish but also to be well-rounded.  Regardless of my decision on that, I know that I need to embrace my answers to the questions above.  If I give the expected or "right" answer because it's what I think I should do, doesn't that go against my desire to remove the conditions from my health?  Don't my answers reflect my character?

I have decided to amend the airline oxygen mask analogy in my life:  I now need to stop focusing on who else I can help with their oxygen mask, since I am not responsible for anyone else (i.e. children).  I need to make sure my mask is on and working, so that I meet my own needs and make my own health a priority. Beyond that, I need to make sure I am doing the right thing for me, so that my true character is reflected.

Finish...My 2013 Resolution

I am really good at starting projects:  I have a scarf I've been knitting for almost 2 years.  It sits in the same Christmas bag I got the yarn and needles in for Christmas.  I have a drawer (and a box!) full of pictures waiting to be hung on the wall.  I have a stack of books that I am trying to finish, despite the fact that I've read countless books since I started the stack.  (I have even started one book twice and gotten within 3 chapters of finishing each time...)

Needless to say, I am not good at finishing projects.  And the project I am the worst at is... drum-roll, please...ME.  I have invested countless minutes, hours, and days thinking about and planning my "perfection" (for lack of a better word).  I know how I should eat, what I should do, and who I should be.  I spend an inordinate amount of time setting goals and working towards them - only to have them in my sight and figure I'm close enough(?).  I'm not sure what my problem is, although I have a guess.

Hi, my name is Eden, and I have a distinct and deep fear of failure.  I am willing to quit and have control rather than fail.  I am willing to accept mediocrity rather than seek greatness and fall down.  I am willing to be a witness to my own life rather than an active participant.

Well, I plan to change that in 2013.  And the reason I am confident that this plan will not be one I quit is because I plan to live boldly.  And finish loudly.  And to make energetic noise every day of the year.  By being bold, loud, energetic and noisy, I expect to be noticed and to be cheered and to be pushed to completion (even if it's just by myself!).  

I love how, in the Matched trilogy, the author picks an amazingly bold poem for the characters to memorize:

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night by Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night. 

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night. 

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Since this series is part of the list of books I have read recently, I have been challenged by this poem and how I live my life.  I do not want to go gently into 2013; I want to fight to the finish!

And so, I am adopting the word FINISH for 2013.  Among other things, I will finish the scarf I have been knitting...and if I start a new one, I will finish that one, too!

When You Truly Want the Desires of Your Heart

I often find it ironic that I titled this blog "A Better Mirror" because I hate looking in the mirror - and not just because I often don't like what I see...I also don't like mirrors because they more often reflect the lies I tell myself than the truths I want to see.  I'm reading a book that talks about how our culture has inundated us with information - almost to the point that we are desperate for rules.  That is how I have been viewing my life this past week:  I am desperate to live the life and to be the person that I want to be.  I desperately want.

Now, I'm not talking about trivial things, like wanting to win the lottery and spending money like I already have it.  No, my "wants" are more core desires that have a distinct effect on my character.  For example, I want to be someone who does not waste time.  But when I get home at night, the task of figuring out what to do seems overwhelming...so I accomplish the bare minimum and putz around.  Or I set my alarm to wake up earlier than normal, and I hit snooze several time because my body is not used to getting up earlier.  (Please keep in mind that I truly have a deep desire to not be lazy!  I am usually quite busy, and my life is more of a reflection of fatigue and lack of preparation.)  I'm talking about wanting change that reflects the true values in my life and not just the surface appearances.

Hence my ruminations about the irony of this blog.  When even the measure you are clinging to for a true reflection is clouded and/or tainted, there is a problem.  I have a plethora of choice in how to handle this irony:  I can ignore the desires of my heart and the thoughts that continue to circulate in my mind.  I can pretend that everything is fine and disregard the results of said ignorance.  I can make minor changes and complain.  OR...I can recognize that there is not a problem with the mirror.  The problem isn't even with what I am putting in front of the mirror.  The problem, in fact, is that I have let passivity, denial, disorganization, and dishonesty have power in my life.  I have made choices, but then I have not truly seen those choices come to fruition - for whatever reason.  (See previous sentence.)  

I have acknowledged the core desires of my heart, and, by not pursuing them, I have not recognized their value.  When I accept the status quo, I have denied the reflection of my true mirror, perpetuated the irony, and thus devalued who I am.

If my heart continues to challenge the way I am living, am I expending more energy to deny change than I would if I were to make change?  Only time will tell, but I am more than willing to invest extra energy on the front end to better align how I live my life.

Summer Break Is Over...

I live in an almost constant desire for time off.  I'm not sure where that comes from, or what I need time off for exactly...

I took a break from writing this blog over the summer.  There was no real reason why.  In retrospect, I would guess because my life got a little more complicated:  Both my parents retired, moved to Cleveland, moved back with my nieces...my brother moved into the house I had been living in, and then I moved out at the end of the summer.   Lots of change.  And I'm not that huge a fan of change.  As I experience more and more of it this summer, however, I realized that I am not anti-change at all.  In fact, I found that I am constantly looking for change and improvement.  I do not, however, like feeling out of control, and so often (for me, at least), change feels out of my control.

It is with this enormous self-realization that I begin to blog again.  I know it's November, and summer has been over for awhile, (Although you wouldn't know it, since it hasn't snowed yet...not that I'm bitter!) but I feel like a new year is starting.  I have that wonderful anticipatory feeling that I would get when a new school year would start.  (If only there were back-to-school sales for this type of event!)  The hum-drum days of laziness and heat that blended one into the other are over, and I am ready for change.  In fact, I am ready to learn - the best kind of change, yet.

I feel like I have fallen into old habits of not taking care of myself, and that is what is generating my desire for time off.  Who knew that making that simple transition from summer vacation-brain to actively pursuing life would energize me in such a profound way.  I am ready to live, to learn, and to make choices again.  

I am ready to take care of myself again.

Breaking Habits and Embracing Traditions

I recently went on a road trip to Colorado.  It had been years since I last drove across the state of Nebraska into Eastern Colorado.  A week later, I made the return trip home.  First, let me say that I don't anticipate driving that distance again (at least not both ways) next year.  Second, let me recommend listening to an audio-book, as it helps time pass more quickly.  What I really want to talk about, however, is the return trip home.


Over the past few months, I have been working at breaking life-long habits that do not support my current ideal of being healthy and taking care of myself.  My progress has ebbed and flowed, which has not been my favorite, but it has allowed me to continuously grow and demonstrate the desire to grow.   Habits can be both good and bad, but I associate habits with not having to think.  So I have been trying to break both good and bad habits because I want to think.  I want to be present and engaged in my life.  I want to make decisions.


With that being said, the past few months have been challenging for me.  There has been a lot of "hurry up and wait" moments.  There have been a large amount of decisions made by other people over the past few months directly impacted my life.  Planning for an unknown future can make it hard to live in the present.  (And I struggled - I'm not going to lie.  I felt that I had to choose how to take care of myself, and I chose to focus on my mental and emotional health.  I feel like I am now able to take care of myself more wholly, which is definitely a good thing.)  It is most definitely difficult to be consistently present when you are looking ahead.  


So being present, breaking habits, and taking care of myself has been on my brain.  The car ride home provided me with an intriguing contrast to being present...My brother and I were well-versed in road-trip "parent-isms".  Periodically, one of us would throw out a comment that would make both of us chuckle and remember our parents fondly.  (My favorite, by the way, is when we cross back into Nebraska saying, "Ah, the good life."  I smiled just typing that!)  


Our family is big on tradition.  (Because we're Presbyterian?  Irish?  Not quite sure why...)  If there is a way that we can repeat an awesome moment of a celebration, we will.  We like to remember.  We like to connect and celebrate.  But in my quest to be present by breaking habits, I had to question whether it was good for me to celebrate traditions of the past. 


My internal debate was quite short:  I am choosing to embrace traditions.  For me, traditions do not represent living in the past, but instead remembering.  Traditions provide me with the opportunity to think and choose whether to continue to celebrate occasions.  The key for me is that when I take part in a tradition - whether singing the Rock Chalk chant or hanging stockings by the fireplace - I make a choice.  I recognize the opportunity to do these mindlessly, but I rarely do.  I love remembering the past and connecting it to where I am now.  I look for opportunities to embrace traditions in my current - or new - settings and personalize them.  I love to share traditions, so others can grow with me.


I am quite sure that some traditions could fade into habits.  The good thing about this is that I'm breaking habits.  

Contemplating WANT vs. NEED

To say that the past couple weeks have been thought-provoking would be an understatement of the grandest kind.  I have had more than one discussion about how to figure out what you want to do in life, once you get past all the things you "need" to do...


This blog by Jon Acuff was ridiculously compelling:  Play to the size of your heart, not to the size of the crowd.  That observation was the catalyst for two weeks of discussing the same topic in bible study (which we don't often do).  Two weeks of analyzing my thoughts and actions to see if my heart is the same no matter at what location I have "checked in."  Two weeks of figuring out what my basic needs are and how they are being met.  Two weeks of trying to determine what I want to do next...


So when you get to the point where you are able to meet your basic needs - food, shelter, clothing, etc. - what do you do?  How do you figure out what you're supposed to do next?  Who do you listen to?  The questions become like an avalanche - quickly gaining momentum and building into a potentially destructive force.


The opposite of the desire of my heart.  


And therein lies my answer.  Stop the questions from flowing so freely.  Stop searching continuously for answers from other resources, other people.  Stop.  Slow down.  Rest.  


At the point that I realized my thoughts -  which were supposed to be guiding me down a path of fulfillment and destiny (I can't decide if those last three words should be read with a sarcastic voice or a deep, masculine voice-over voice...) - were becoming self-destructive, I made a conscious choice to stop thinking about what I want to do.  I don't know if everyone's brain is hard-wired to take an idea and let it spin out of control, or if I'm just special that way...but the results can be overwhelming, making it so much easier to stop making choices, to stop acting...just to stop the thinking.  (Which, by the way, makes me think of Mandy Moore's character in Because I Said So as she was breaking up with the guy from That Thing You Do: "And who wants someone who doesn't think?"  However, in my mind, this becomes...Who wants to be someone who doesn't think?  Right now, I want to be that person because for me, thinking can be dangerous and develop a life of its own.)


And once you stop making choices, the thoughts have won, and life has become devoid of purpose.  I have lived in this state (lack of purpose) at various times in my life.  One of my friends described it this way:  I keep living and planning for the next thing to get done.  Race done - check.  Now onto the next thing.  While moving from task or action to the next is not always a bad thing, if we're constantly waiting for the next "thing" to take place, are we ever really living? Are we missing out on what is going on around us?  Are we missing great opportunities to be present and experience life?


So I am slowing down and working on making choices to be present.  I'm making choices to change things I don't like and to embrace those things I do.  I am engaging in my life, rather than passively participating.  And I am trying to be aware - of my surroundings, of those around me, and of what each moment is asking from me.  Even to my ears, it sounds a little too poetic, too "out there."  However, I have no problem being described as poetry in motion (a phrase attributed to some of the best athletes in the world), even if it's not a physical description.


I watched a TED Talk today (one of my favorite discoveries of this past year) by Jacqueline Novogratz about living a life of immersion, becoming agents of change, not charity.  She says at the beginning of the talk, "Your job is not to be perfect - it's to be human."  Like she suggests, I want to have the audacity to believe I deserve great things and the humility to acknowledge I can't do it alone.  


With that, I have discovered that, right now, what I want most is to rest in the arms of Christ and to let his embrace give me the power and love to be a human in pursuit of perfection, holding tight His grace of my imperfections.  I want to... Stop.  Rest.  Listen.  Love.  Be Present.

Contagious celebrations

Today's blog post will be short.  Why (you might be thinking)?  Because I'm off to a party...but not just any party.  I'm going to join the celebration of my mom's amazing teaching career.  


What I am most excited to see is something I hope you can relate to:  I am joyously anxious to watch everyone lavish praise on my mom.  I find overwhelming joy in watching the people I love get celebrated.  For instance, today on facebook, there have been four different posts about my mom's last day of teaching.  Each one has been "liked" and commented on by former students, coworkers, and people who have met my mom.  I have found myself frantically checking my wall all day, so that I can keep up with who is acknowledging this milestone in my mom's life.  My mom also called today to share a surprise that she got from her 8th grade geometry class.  It was such a fun phone call to receive!


I truly hope you find yourself in a position to celebrate with others...and to take joy in the festivity!  That selfless pleasure is fulfilling and contagious. 


And who doesn't want to be a person who is filled with joy and loves sharing it with others? 

A Girl Needs Her Beauty Sleep

I established this crazy sleep pattern in college that has continued into my thirties:  I get as much done as I can during the week...even staying up "past my bedtime" on weeknights to read or catch up on DVR or whatever.  Then, on glorious Saturday mornings, I sleep until I wake up, which can be as early as 10 or as late as 1, depending on what my previous week has looked like.  It has generated some discussion among friends, family members, coworkers, etc., who all have opinions on how I choose to spend my time.

The fact of the matter is that I respect most of these opinions without agreeing with them...a perfectly healthy option!  This has been a huge lesson for me:  that I do not have to feel guilt or shame about my choices, even when someone else makes a different choice that comes with fabulous results.  The beauty of our making choices is not only the empowerment of taking care of ourselves, but also the celebration of the successes of others.

But I digress...

I am in the middle of a sleep lull, and it is affecting several different aspects of my life.  My title was written in jest, but the truth is that I do need beauty sleep:  I need to rest in order to take care of my mental and emotional health...and this greatly affects my inner beauty.  (On a side note, I am becoming more aware of the physical effects of sleep deprivation.)

One of the most overwhelming lack-of-sleep obstacles has been how I make choices.   I wrote about it in an earlier post, and I am echoing - and confirming - my thoughts:  I hate making choices when I am tired.  I read a summary on cnn.com of a study about the relationship between sleep deprivation and depression in teenagers.  There is a high correlation between the two:  Thirty percent of teenagers below the recommended average of hours of sleep per night show strong symptoms of depression.   Thirty-two percent showed symptoms of depression.  Let me restate:  That is nearly two-thirds of those studied who demonstrated symptoms of depression when lacking sleep.  That is a huge relationship, even though the degrees of depression differ. 

A quick trip over to WebMD gave me a list of symptoms of depression: 

• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

• fatigue and decreased energy

• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

• insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

• irritability, restlessness

• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

• overeating or appetite loss

• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

• thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Even when considering one of these symptoms, I am overwhelmed with the obstacles that exist to block our path to health.  The mental strength and focus necessary to pursue taking care of oneself can seem so unattainable on a good day, but on a sleepy day, that same fortitude can seem impossibly beyond reach...a cycle that once began can take even more willpower to break.  The link between depression and lack of sleep appears even more daunting...


So I choose to sleep.  I know I'm not a princess, nor do I want to be...but I long to be healthy.  And a healthy girl needs her beauty sleep, too!  

Vocabulary Lessons

There are certain words that automatically bring me back to high school English classes.  "Rumination" is one of them.  I literally remember having the discussion about a cow chewing his/her cud.  "Morass" is another, because what word can make a high school-er giggle than a word that contains a swear word and means swamp?  


As I sit down today, I have been processing certain specific words and their meaning in my life.  My words lately seem to revolve around being present and thoughtful.  I am constantly hearing and using the word choice...but never when I need to make a choice.  I like to contemplate being purposeful, intentional in my actions...when I'm not actually doing anything.


So how do words and thoughts become actions and happenings?  This is the dilemma that has been plaguing me for the past couple weeks.  Not only do I have high hopes of making change in my life, but I have high expectations as to when these should be accomplished.  


And then I do something.  Some would call it making a choice, but I am struggling with that label, as there is often no conscious thought backing it up.  Or rather I should say, there is no purposeful thought behind it...because I can feel myself thinking at the time.  And I can feel myself thinking during the action.  Afterwards, however, I look at that and ask myself why I never stopped or changed course or did something!  


I so want to be purposeful and present in everything I do, but I allow habits and mindlessness to rule my behavior.  I want to do more than talk about this and acknowledge this:  I want to change.  Do you hear me, self?  I want to change!  I need to change!  I desire the results, and I'm willing to put in the work, too.  But I need to know when to work and how to work. I need more than myself, and I don't know where that more comes from.  There are obvious answers to that - with the main one being God.  And I do believe that God helps us - please don't doubt me on this...but I also know God gives us free will...meaning choices...and we need to come to Him...meaning awareness.  This is my struggle:  Awareness of choice.  


Words have power.  Does action have greater power?    

I Feel Badly for Pennies

So, I feel badly for pennies.  Don't worry - I feel badly for nickels and dimes, too.  (Oddly enough, I don't feel badly for quarters.  I think that is mostly due to the recent state quarters that had my whole family searching for an Iowa P quarter for nearly a year, but I digress...)  So often these coins are carelessly dropped on the ground or given as a tip when they are the remainder of a purchase at a local coffee shop.  My odd empathy for these coins developed last week when I cashed in my piggy bank.  

I have this beautifully decorated piggy bank that stores all my coins.  I live on a cash system, so at the end of each month, I put all of my remaining coins into the yellow pig.  When the pig is full, I take it to the bank.  My months of collecting coins netted $87.60.  I was astonished - it's not a large piggy bank by any means, but that yellow pig held coins that together had high value.

Sometimes I feel like I am a penny or a nickel - maybe even a dime.  I feel like the leftover or the casually-dropped person in the room.  I feel like I don't have value.  I have recently read a few articles that debated stopping the production of coins, especially pennies.  In light of my recent empathetic revelation, I can't help but feel like there could be people who don't want me around either.  It's hard not to succumb to those feelings of lack of worth and value.

As a single woman in her mid-thirties, I have had the amazing opportunity to watch my friends meet their soul mates and start families.  Along with this opportunity, however, comes an almost constant pressure (whether from myself or others, it is the same) to find someone with whom to share my life.  Now, this sounds like a great idea, and I'd love to do that should the opportunity present itself, but it also lends itself to the thinking that I can't have a full life alone.  Now, I truly don't want to have a pity party here...I have learned to love my life as a singleton, and I love being part of the families of all my friends.  

The truth is there is strong value in a group, a family, a couple, etc.  Often, when these people come together, it is for a purpose, and their shared effort and devotion affect change.  There is power in numbers - it's a cliche for a reason.  Membership in the collective doesn't, however, diminish the value of the individual.  And I think that is where I have landed:  Yes, a dollar has more numeric value than a penny, dime, nickel or even quarter, but you can not get to the whole without accounting for the parts.  They all have value, no matter what the number assigned to them may be.  

So I may be just a penny...but my dad is a coin collector, and he has several pennies with more value than initially thought...just like me. 

"Working Hard to Stay Small"

Phenomenal.  I heard that quote in a TED Talk by Brene Brown today.  How often do I work hard to stay small, to stay unnoticed, to hide behind my actions or those around me?  What is it about myself that makes me think I don't deserve to be seen or heard or valued?


I am floored by how Dr. Brown discusses vulnerability and shame.  Her research started with shame, but moved towards vulnerability when she discovered that vulnerability is necessary for whole-hearted living.  (And who doesn't want to be fully engaged in their own life?!)  Vulnerability is not weakness, she states, but rather "vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage."  


How does my own shame hold me back from being courageous?  (Dr. Brown describes shame as feelings of "I am bad" and guilt as feelings of "I did something bad.")  I don't even know the answer to that question, but I know that I am held back.  So how do I address this in my life?

1. I will find value in who I am daily.  It will not always be profound, but I will purposefully identify a character trait in myself that has value.
2. I will not perform habitual behaviors, just because they are a part of my life.  Now, this one will take awhile, as I will need to discover which behaviors are merely habits, but I need to make sure my behaviors are choices and not just reactions.
3. I will stop doing the things in my life that make me feel bad about myself.  (This may tie directly to #2.) For me, eating is directly tied to self-worth, and I need to separate these in my own life.
4. I will try new things or even try things with a new perspective - choosing instead to let go of past experiences.
5. I will surround myself with a group that will help me by praying for and encouraging me to see myself the way they see me.

I realize this list is not finished, but it's a fabulous beginning.  I should not hide anymore or make myself small.  I have value...and so do you.

March Madness

This is one of my favorite times of the year...March Madness.  I love pretty much everything that comes with the NCAA Tournament.  However, it does bring out part of my bad side:  My competitive nature and my extreme dislike for losing and/or being wrong.


As the games start this week, I have been reminded of these aspects of my life and the negativity they bring into my life...and it has me thinking about how these attitudes affect other areas of my life (besides sports).


I think as young women, we are encouraged to be competitive, but almost in a manipulative, passive-aggressive way.  We learn so early to look at pictures of others and see the areas that we need to improve, and then point out the areas that they need to improve.  We learn how to give a back-handed compliment that has a biting judgment to it.  But this competitiveness does not accomplish much more than injuring all parties involved, whether known or not.  In fact, this competitiveness can develop into an aptitude for judgment.  It can also transform itself into a pit of feelings of inadequacy.


This is where I feel I have spent the majority of my life.  My competitive drive to win has always left me with a fear of losing or being wrong.  I developed a habit of quitting before that could ever be a possibility.  My battle with weight is the perfect example of this.  I have, like so many others, gained and lost weight at least a dozen times...but I never get to my goal because my fear of not reaching it is bigger than my need to accomplish it.  So I quit.  I have quit a lot of things in my life.  I am not proud of any of these moments, nor am I proud of this tendency in my character.  Learning to move beyond the fear is trying and difficult and some days, near impossible.


This is my own madness...I only wish it was March Madness!  I am at times so consumed with the desire to win that I say and/or do things that I later excuse as competitiveness.  I push and focus and drive towards my goal...then, just when it's in sight, I feel like I pull the emergency brake.  It's like I don't even test the regular breaks...I just panic...and assume the worst.  


So now I am left to wonder:  Would I be better suited for success if I stopped competing?  (Who am I even competing against?)  How would this change my life?  Would I slow down and enjoy the process?  Could I stop looking ahead and live in the present - moment by moment?  Despite the anxiety this initially brings into the forefront of my mind, I am aware of the promise of peace.


And who doesn't want peace in their lives?