I've Got Love on the Brain...

"Love is all you need..." ~ The Beatles


"Might as well face it, you're addicted to love..." ~ Robert Palmer


Love songs are pouring through my mind right now...There are so many love songs that speak of joy, hurt, experiences, and more.  I remember sitting around with my friends in junior high playing songs on repeat (Oh, the joy of CDs!) and talking about boys.  I remember singing songs in the car in high school with my friends, imagining what my first great love was going to be like.


Love has been on my mind recently...not because I'm in love or because I'm not in love, for that matter.  Honestly, I've been questioning how much I truly love myself, and whether I would equate that - or even compare that - to how much I love others.  I've spoken pretty openly about how important it is to take care of yourself, and over the past couple months, I have been struggling to do just that.  So in my non-stop pursuit of becoming healthier, I have run right into the wall of love.  Continuing this metaphor, I have run up and down the wall, trying to find a way to go around it.  I have looked to see if I could climb the wall, thus bypassing the topic as well.  It seems as though what is behind the wall of love is protected, and I must figure out how to open the door.  So I am trying to figure out if all this effort is worth it.


Have you been here?  Have you come up to a roadblock and had to determine if it was worth your efforts to push through the pain, the learning, the experience to get beyond?  What do you do if you're not sure what exactly there is on the other side???  


So, all these questions are rolling through my brain as I try to figure out how to first, find the door.  Then, when I do stumble upon a camouflaged door, I have to figure out how to open it, for I don't have a key...in fact, there is no keyhole.  So how do I get in?  How do I get through this?  How do I get through this?


And that is the desperate question that has finally given me some hope.  Because I have finally been honest in my search.  I am not trying to ignore the wall.  I am not trying to bypass this part of my life.  I am truly looking for the answer.

My Hands Make Horrible Fists

There is a brilliant snowstorm going on outside my window right now.  I am reminded of seeing people try to walk in storms, trying to bundle themselves in...it almost looks like they are trying to collapse in on themselves.  


I have felt this before.  The need to hunch over, to pull everything in tight, to hold on for dear life.  There is something about becoming smaller that makes me feel safe, but this is just a figment of my imagination.  Safety does not come from size.  Safety is not determined by posture or position. Safety is an attitude...it's preparation...it's honesty.


I watched a remarkable TED Talk today by Sarah Kay about spoken poetry.  Being the math person I am, I keyed in on a specific equation she shared:


ABILITY + COURAGE = REWARDS


She talked about how she is trying to walk through life with open hands, ready and willing to experience life.  Some people would say this isn't safe...but she didn't say she wasn't aware of her surroundings, or that she wasn't prepared to take care of herself if necessary.  Her safety comes from being confident in her ability and knowledge of herself.  The juxtaposition of courage with the idea of safety is what makes the rewards so remarkable.  Big rewards come from big opportunities.  (One of my favorite scenes from the movie Miracle.)


Sarah outlines three statements you need to say when approaching your life.  They are so universal and applicable that we all need to be reminded of them:
1.  "I can."
2.  "I will."
3.  These steps never end...I need to grow, explore, take risks and challenge myself.


Sarah ended her TED talk by saying, "I'm trying my hardest to get it right this time around."  


Is your life spent in the moment, trying to do life right?  Are you planning on success or are you accepting failure?  What is your attitude - Can you?  Will you?  


I have changed the way I pray in a lot of different ways.  One of the most impacting has been to not close/clasp my hands.  I try to keep my hands open, and have even begun opening my arms as well.  I want to be open, to be able to embrace what life and God has for me.