I Killed Spiders in My Dream

I am not a person who dreams at night.  I rarely wake up feeling like I have been dreaming.  I could propose several different theories, but none of them make sense to me - especially given my overactive daytime brain activities!  So it was a huge surprise to me last night when I woke up at least 5 different times with vivid dreams.  Each dream was different, but there was a common theme:  overcoming an obstacle.  

For those of you who know me well, the fact that at least 2 dreams spotlighted on spiders will not shock you.  What shocked me about these dreams was that I purposefully went to the spiders (and these were not small, easy to kill spiders, by the way) and bravely, if not confidently, killed them.  Oh the lessons I could learn from my dreams...

As I have been preparing for 2013, I have been preparing myself for the mental and emotional challenges that have prevented me from finishing goals in my past.  The fact that I was brave and confident about achieving a goal is not lost on me, as that has not been my style.  I tend to be bold at the beginning and fade at the end, but I am working on changing that.  I very rarely face my fears without hesitation and with enthusiasm.  (I even more rarely kill spiders without trying to get someone else to do it for me!)

So often, when I talk about dreams, I am thinking about the future and what that might hold for me, if I were to focus my attention on achieving them.  My dreams tend to be theoretical and full of possibilities, but there is always an undercurrent of impossibility flowing in my dreams.  There is always a sense of fantasy surrounding even my most realistic dreams, and I think, when I dream, I subconsciously accept that the majority of these dreams will never come to pass.  

I have been processing how I would respond to someone else if they were to dream big and accept mediocrity.  I know I would be there to encourage and support my friends as they pursued a dream...but what would I do if someone with a dream felt they could never achieve it and gave up before they tried?   I'm that pushy friend who will ask a ton of questions in an attempt to discover why the dream "cannot be achieved".  I'm that cheering friend who will find a way to be present and be positive as even the tiniest of steps is taken.  I'm that sensitive friend who will change subjects (momentarily - not permanently) when a setback has come up...but I'm still that same pushy and cheering friend, and I will bring the dream back into focus.

Why is it that I have not done that for myself?  Why would I not be as pushy, as cheerful, and as sensitive to me when I would be that for most people I meet?  I noticed something interesting as I wrote earlier.  When I wrote the phrase "to discover why the dream 'cannot be achieved'", I first wrote "why the dream isn't important enough".  I don't know if I can even fully appreciate the implications of my first phrase!  Have I been placing subconscious judgments on my dreams?  On myself?  

With all these questions flowing in my head, I know one thing.  I want to be the person who confidently, without hesitation, faces my fears and achieves my dreams.  I want to be a fearless dreamer.  (I still, however, don't want those dreams to involve spiders.)

Finish...My 2013 Resolution

I am really good at starting projects:  I have a scarf I've been knitting for almost 2 years.  It sits in the same Christmas bag I got the yarn and needles in for Christmas.  I have a drawer (and a box!) full of pictures waiting to be hung on the wall.  I have a stack of books that I am trying to finish, despite the fact that I've read countless books since I started the stack.  (I have even started one book twice and gotten within 3 chapters of finishing each time...)

Needless to say, I am not good at finishing projects.  And the project I am the worst at is... drum-roll, please...ME.  I have invested countless minutes, hours, and days thinking about and planning my "perfection" (for lack of a better word).  I know how I should eat, what I should do, and who I should be.  I spend an inordinate amount of time setting goals and working towards them - only to have them in my sight and figure I'm close enough(?).  I'm not sure what my problem is, although I have a guess.

Hi, my name is Eden, and I have a distinct and deep fear of failure.  I am willing to quit and have control rather than fail.  I am willing to accept mediocrity rather than seek greatness and fall down.  I am willing to be a witness to my own life rather than an active participant.

Well, I plan to change that in 2013.  And the reason I am confident that this plan will not be one I quit is because I plan to live boldly.  And finish loudly.  And to make energetic noise every day of the year.  By being bold, loud, energetic and noisy, I expect to be noticed and to be cheered and to be pushed to completion (even if it's just by myself!).  

I love how, in the Matched trilogy, the author picks an amazingly bold poem for the characters to memorize:

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night by Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night. 

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night. 

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Since this series is part of the list of books I have read recently, I have been challenged by this poem and how I live my life.  I do not want to go gently into 2013; I want to fight to the finish!

And so, I am adopting the word FINISH for 2013.  Among other things, I will finish the scarf I have been knitting...and if I start a new one, I will finish that one, too!