Letting Go of Numbers

I am a pretty mathematical thinker.  I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I have a pretty strong math lineage - my mom was a math teacher, and my dad was an engineer.  I grew up "seeing" math everywhere, and to this day, I find it difficult to not try to point it out to everyone! I love looking at life for patterns and looking at patterns for life!  I take dates and try to make math problems out of them.  I enjoy numbers, and thinking about them has been a way of life for me.

With that being said, I have a serious problem with numbers.  

Yesterday, I stood in front of my mirror, and I had what I think is a profound, and potentially life-changing thought...at least, for me.  Before I get there, let me throw out some significant numbers:

0
0
35
68
??? (Doesn't really matter what the actual number is...)
*** (Just pretend you know...or insert your own here...)

Now, back to my profound and life-changing thought.  It was one of those that just popped in my head without any lead-in...one that I haven't been able to stop thinking about since yesterday.  Are you ready?

I am not defined by any number.  Or rather, my value cannot be determined by a number.

Seriously?  Where did that come from?  I was literally looking at myself in the mirror when I had that thought.  And I don't think that was a coincidence.

As I tried to explain before, my mind looks for the logic and pattern in life by searching out numbers.  I like to be able to wrap my head around concepts by quantifying them or finding similarities and patterns...or even through problem solving - looking for a solution!  I love math and how it affects life.

Realizing yesterday that I was trying to find my own value through mathematical logic has shaken up my world. I cannot be defined by these numbers:


0 - How many times I've been married, and consequently, the number of years I've been married
0 - The number of children I have 
35 - My age
68 - My height
??? (Doesn't really matter what the actual number is...) - My IQ
*** (Just pretend you know...or insert your own here...) - My weight
Or any other numeric category I can put myself in...

If not numbers, however, then what?  (Did you see that "If, then" statement there...still thinking mathematically?!)  How do I shift my paradigm and see myself differently?  

As I continue to process how to determine my value, I am able to separate some thoughts.  First, my value is not based on what I do.  I cannot achieve or diminish my value by the choices I make.  I do, however, want my choices to reflect not only my value, but what I value.  Second, my value cannot be assigned to me by another.  If this were the case, my value would probably rise and fall like a volatile stock price.  Third, I know without a doubt that I have God-given value, but I don't want to take that as a stock answer or take it for granted:  I want to understand the value God has given me.  Finally, I am nowhere near done with this process.  My mind was kind of blown away by all of this yesterday, and I feel like I'm just waking up from a deep sleep...

The irony that I had this thought while looking in a mirror is not lost on me as I write this blog.  FINALLY, the mirror I own is becoming a better one.  Or maybe the user is just figuring out how to correctly see things in it.