The Importance of Friends

I had a text conversation with two of my best friends over lunch today.  And yesterday.  And possibly the day before.  Today, we were talking about a book we are all reading.  I was laughing and smiling each time my text music played.  Sometimes, I am surprised by the texts; other times, I am giggling that we know each other so well.  

There are so many cliches about friendship, and I think they are there to prove a point:

We need friends in our lives.  (And sometimes we have a hard time expressing what they mean to us without invoking the emotions of that old Folgers commercial where Peter comes home for Christmas and surprises his mom by making her coffee.)

This same group of gals that I was texting and I have a bible study that meets weekly at Starbucks.  We started meeting regularly over 6 years ago...But it wasn't automatic...and it wasn't easy.

It was necessary.  I had just moved back to Nebraska after living in Minnesota for 6 years.  I adored (and still do!) my friends there, and many were in the same situations as I was in, but I felt God calling me home.  I really didn't have any close friends in Nebraska anymore, and I was not looking forward to being lonely.  So I started looking for people who I wanted to be like and who I thought would make me a better person.  Then, I awkwardly asked them if they wanted to be in a bible study with me.  We started to meet, and I know those first few months were not smooth, but they happened.  Over the next few months, we developed a pattern.  Even more importantly, however, we built trust and friendship.  We found out who the others were and looked to support each other in tangible ways.  

As time has passed, we have each commented on how much we needed this in our lives.  Each of us had been praying for a group of friends, and God figured out a way to bring us together.  We thank God regularly for answering those prayers.

I was originally going to write about how we need to be good friends to ourselves - and we do! - but often that is not enough.  We need to have people around us who make us better...who challenge us...who hold us accountable...who hold us when we can't find strength...who we can be around with no expectations.  We need that group of friends who knows us and loves us anyways.  

I have been blessed with fabulous friends.  And I look forward to the next round of texts and lattes and whatever else comes our way!

Dead Fish in a Messy Room

I gave a speech in 7th grade detailing the true story from my past.  (The speech required the use of a sign/prop, and I created my own using cotton balls.  I got teased about that even through high school...)  Ordinarily, cleaning a messy room would not result in speech class inspiration, but this was no ordinary chore...

I was in third grade, and my mom and dad gave me a fish tank for Easter.  (See - it's already a great story!)  My brother - big spender that he was - gave me 8 fish for my tank.  By the end of that month, or maybe the next, I was done being a pet owner.  I did not like the fish or having to clean the tank.  At this point, I must admit that I wanted the fish to die...not my proudest moment.  Luckily, the fish did not feel unwanted, for they seemed to live forever.  A few months later, after several fish had died, I noticed one of the fish was missing.  I came up with all sorts of scenarios for how the fish disappeared: The fish had died, and my parents removed it without my knowing; one of the remaining fish had eaten the missing fish; or perhaps the fish had been sucked into the filter.  Whatever the cause, it remained a mystery to me.  

Flash forward:  A couple weeks later, I was cleaning my room...Now, it's important to note here that I had a very wonderful system for cleaning my room:  I would push the debris into equal-sized, evenly-spaced piles on the floor of my room, and I would sit down and go through the piles, creating more sub-piles to put away.  (Apparently, I had a very messy room!)  So, after the pile-making, I sat down to go through one when I noticed that I had sat on something.  I stood up and brushed off my behind, sending something fuzzy across the room.  I went over to see what it was, and I ran out of my room shouting.  In case you haven't figured it out, I had sat on my dead, moldy/fuzzy fish.  Remember that it had been a couple of weeks since the fish disappeared.  (Now you see where the cotton in my speech came from:  I drew a fish and glued the cotton over the body, so only the head and tail were visible.)  I'm still not sure if the fish jumped out of the tank or what, but this story has stuck with me for a long time...

Over the past couple weeks, I have been remembering this story quite often.  There are times when I am cleaning my home that feel like I am just making a bigger mess.  It could be my method (see above), but I often feel like things get messier before they can be clean.  

This is how I feel mentally and emotionally right now.  I know I am not at my best in any aspect of my life, but I feel like I am going through a spring cleaning - emotionally, mentally, and physically, perhaps even spiritually.  I have every hope and confidence that I will end up on the brighter side of life, with my heart, body and soul more in tact and healthy than before.  To get to that point, however, I feel like my heart and soul are in piles across the floor.  

At times, I have not wanted to approach these piles.  Wouldn't it just be easier to leave things messy than to put them in their proper place?  But I have done enough "surface cleaning" in my life...If I truly want to get rid of the mess, I have to get dirty and go through the piles.

I just have to be on the lookout for the hidden fish on the floor...

I Killed Spiders in My Dream

I am not a person who dreams at night.  I rarely wake up feeling like I have been dreaming.  I could propose several different theories, but none of them make sense to me - especially given my overactive daytime brain activities!  So it was a huge surprise to me last night when I woke up at least 5 different times with vivid dreams.  Each dream was different, but there was a common theme:  overcoming an obstacle.  

For those of you who know me well, the fact that at least 2 dreams spotlighted on spiders will not shock you.  What shocked me about these dreams was that I purposefully went to the spiders (and these were not small, easy to kill spiders, by the way) and bravely, if not confidently, killed them.  Oh the lessons I could learn from my dreams...

As I have been preparing for 2013, I have been preparing myself for the mental and emotional challenges that have prevented me from finishing goals in my past.  The fact that I was brave and confident about achieving a goal is not lost on me, as that has not been my style.  I tend to be bold at the beginning and fade at the end, but I am working on changing that.  I very rarely face my fears without hesitation and with enthusiasm.  (I even more rarely kill spiders without trying to get someone else to do it for me!)

So often, when I talk about dreams, I am thinking about the future and what that might hold for me, if I were to focus my attention on achieving them.  My dreams tend to be theoretical and full of possibilities, but there is always an undercurrent of impossibility flowing in my dreams.  There is always a sense of fantasy surrounding even my most realistic dreams, and I think, when I dream, I subconsciously accept that the majority of these dreams will never come to pass.  

I have been processing how I would respond to someone else if they were to dream big and accept mediocrity.  I know I would be there to encourage and support my friends as they pursued a dream...but what would I do if someone with a dream felt they could never achieve it and gave up before they tried?   I'm that pushy friend who will ask a ton of questions in an attempt to discover why the dream "cannot be achieved".  I'm that cheering friend who will find a way to be present and be positive as even the tiniest of steps is taken.  I'm that sensitive friend who will change subjects (momentarily - not permanently) when a setback has come up...but I'm still that same pushy and cheering friend, and I will bring the dream back into focus.

Why is it that I have not done that for myself?  Why would I not be as pushy, as cheerful, and as sensitive to me when I would be that for most people I meet?  I noticed something interesting as I wrote earlier.  When I wrote the phrase "to discover why the dream 'cannot be achieved'", I first wrote "why the dream isn't important enough".  I don't know if I can even fully appreciate the implications of my first phrase!  Have I been placing subconscious judgments on my dreams?  On myself?  

With all these questions flowing in my head, I know one thing.  I want to be the person who confidently, without hesitation, faces my fears and achieves my dreams.  I want to be a fearless dreamer.  (I still, however, don't want those dreams to involve spiders.)

When Ideas Pop in My Head

During my waking hours, I have a constant stream of ideas flowing through my mind.  Quite often, I ignore these thoughts and choose to focus on the task at hand or something else.  Occasionally, though, I catch one of my thoughts in the moment, and I am compelled to stop and process the thought.  

I was getting ready for church on Sunday morning when one of these thoughts passed through my mind:

"Just because you don't have children doesn't mean that you lack incentive for leading a life of character."  

I was floored by this topic, as it seemingly came out of nowhere.  (After some process time, I am guessing that it reflected two separate conversations I had with my parents where we discussed other parents who had made decisions that could impact their children in a negative way.)  I remember looking at myself in the mirror - which, as you all know, is not one of my favorite activities - as I tried to make sure I had "heard" myself correctly.  I spent the rest of the morning considering not only the challenge before me, but the unspoken condition of me lacking incentive.

I have mentioned before my previous thoughts on airline instructions to put your oxygen mask on before you help someone else.  (For a long time, this did not make sense to me.  I confess that I still struggle with this concept in my everyday life.)  I immediately began to incorporate this into my processing of my morning's thought.  So often, when I think of taking care of myself, I have put it into the context of "...so I can take care of someone/thing else" - like there was a condition to or requirement for my taking care of myself.  

If I remove others from my health equation, do I still need to be healthy?

Mind blown.  I hadn't realized how conditional my health had become to me.  Even without knowing what my "conditions" were, I was subconsciously making personal choices based on their role in my life.  I had to ask myself:  What is my motivation for being healthy?  Can I be healthy when I think no one is looking?  Will I choose health because it's the right thing to do?

That last question has weighed heavy on my mind since Sunday.  As I mentioned last week, I am adopting the word finish as my theme for 2013.  I have tossed around the idea of adjusting it to complete because I want that to reflect not only my desire to finish but also to be well-rounded.  Regardless of my decision on that, I know that I need to embrace my answers to the questions above.  If I give the expected or "right" answer because it's what I think I should do, doesn't that go against my desire to remove the conditions from my health?  Don't my answers reflect my character?

I have decided to amend the airline oxygen mask analogy in my life:  I now need to stop focusing on who else I can help with their oxygen mask, since I am not responsible for anyone else (i.e. children).  I need to make sure my mask is on and working, so that I meet my own needs and make my own health a priority. Beyond that, I need to make sure I am doing the right thing for me, so that my true character is reflected.

Finish...My 2013 Resolution

I am really good at starting projects:  I have a scarf I've been knitting for almost 2 years.  It sits in the same Christmas bag I got the yarn and needles in for Christmas.  I have a drawer (and a box!) full of pictures waiting to be hung on the wall.  I have a stack of books that I am trying to finish, despite the fact that I've read countless books since I started the stack.  (I have even started one book twice and gotten within 3 chapters of finishing each time...)

Needless to say, I am not good at finishing projects.  And the project I am the worst at is... drum-roll, please...ME.  I have invested countless minutes, hours, and days thinking about and planning my "perfection" (for lack of a better word).  I know how I should eat, what I should do, and who I should be.  I spend an inordinate amount of time setting goals and working towards them - only to have them in my sight and figure I'm close enough(?).  I'm not sure what my problem is, although I have a guess.

Hi, my name is Eden, and I have a distinct and deep fear of failure.  I am willing to quit and have control rather than fail.  I am willing to accept mediocrity rather than seek greatness and fall down.  I am willing to be a witness to my own life rather than an active participant.

Well, I plan to change that in 2013.  And the reason I am confident that this plan will not be one I quit is because I plan to live boldly.  And finish loudly.  And to make energetic noise every day of the year.  By being bold, loud, energetic and noisy, I expect to be noticed and to be cheered and to be pushed to completion (even if it's just by myself!).  

I love how, in the Matched trilogy, the author picks an amazingly bold poem for the characters to memorize:

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night by Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night. 

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night. 

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Since this series is part of the list of books I have read recently, I have been challenged by this poem and how I live my life.  I do not want to go gently into 2013; I want to fight to the finish!

And so, I am adopting the word FINISH for 2013.  Among other things, I will finish the scarf I have been knitting...and if I start a new one, I will finish that one, too!

When You Truly Want the Desires of Your Heart

I often find it ironic that I titled this blog "A Better Mirror" because I hate looking in the mirror - and not just because I often don't like what I see...I also don't like mirrors because they more often reflect the lies I tell myself than the truths I want to see.  I'm reading a book that talks about how our culture has inundated us with information - almost to the point that we are desperate for rules.  That is how I have been viewing my life this past week:  I am desperate to live the life and to be the person that I want to be.  I desperately want.

Now, I'm not talking about trivial things, like wanting to win the lottery and spending money like I already have it.  No, my "wants" are more core desires that have a distinct effect on my character.  For example, I want to be someone who does not waste time.  But when I get home at night, the task of figuring out what to do seems overwhelming...so I accomplish the bare minimum and putz around.  Or I set my alarm to wake up earlier than normal, and I hit snooze several time because my body is not used to getting up earlier.  (Please keep in mind that I truly have a deep desire to not be lazy!  I am usually quite busy, and my life is more of a reflection of fatigue and lack of preparation.)  I'm talking about wanting change that reflects the true values in my life and not just the surface appearances.

Hence my ruminations about the irony of this blog.  When even the measure you are clinging to for a true reflection is clouded and/or tainted, there is a problem.  I have a plethora of choice in how to handle this irony:  I can ignore the desires of my heart and the thoughts that continue to circulate in my mind.  I can pretend that everything is fine and disregard the results of said ignorance.  I can make minor changes and complain.  OR...I can recognize that there is not a problem with the mirror.  The problem isn't even with what I am putting in front of the mirror.  The problem, in fact, is that I have let passivity, denial, disorganization, and dishonesty have power in my life.  I have made choices, but then I have not truly seen those choices come to fruition - for whatever reason.  (See previous sentence.)  

I have acknowledged the core desires of my heart, and, by not pursuing them, I have not recognized their value.  When I accept the status quo, I have denied the reflection of my true mirror, perpetuated the irony, and thus devalued who I am.

If my heart continues to challenge the way I am living, am I expending more energy to deny change than I would if I were to make change?  Only time will tell, but I am more than willing to invest extra energy on the front end to better align how I live my life.

Summer Break Is Over...

I live in an almost constant desire for time off.  I'm not sure where that comes from, or what I need time off for exactly...

I took a break from writing this blog over the summer.  There was no real reason why.  In retrospect, I would guess because my life got a little more complicated:  Both my parents retired, moved to Cleveland, moved back with my nieces...my brother moved into the house I had been living in, and then I moved out at the end of the summer.   Lots of change.  And I'm not that huge a fan of change.  As I experience more and more of it this summer, however, I realized that I am not anti-change at all.  In fact, I found that I am constantly looking for change and improvement.  I do not, however, like feeling out of control, and so often (for me, at least), change feels out of my control.

It is with this enormous self-realization that I begin to blog again.  I know it's November, and summer has been over for awhile, (Although you wouldn't know it, since it hasn't snowed yet...not that I'm bitter!) but I feel like a new year is starting.  I have that wonderful anticipatory feeling that I would get when a new school year would start.  (If only there were back-to-school sales for this type of event!)  The hum-drum days of laziness and heat that blended one into the other are over, and I am ready for change.  In fact, I am ready to learn - the best kind of change, yet.

I feel like I have fallen into old habits of not taking care of myself, and that is what is generating my desire for time off.  Who knew that making that simple transition from summer vacation-brain to actively pursuing life would energize me in such a profound way.  I am ready to live, to learn, and to make choices again.  

I am ready to take care of myself again.